#watchmefly- week #208- 4 years later…

September will always hold a very sentimental vision and feeling for me. My Birth Day, the month I was diagnosed with breast cancer, the month my grandmother passed away, and now the month that I spread my mothers ashes in the ocean. Herbst is my last name. It means “Fall/Autumn” in the German language. Fall is a season of taking stock and stocking up, appreciation, convening with family and friends, honoring death, all the green turning to colorful leaves, balancing light and dark, letting go, and accepting the impermanence of things. HHHmmm… what a broken record of my past 4 years. My oh my how mother nature emulates human existence. I am in awe each day. I am living and witnessing the process of caterpillar to butterfly through and before my very own eyes within my SELF. (Egg, Caterpillar, Cocoon, Butterfly) Gee, 4 stages/seasons, who woulda thunk. I am somewhere between Cocoon and Butterfly. I was recently reminded that even between those stages there are more stages of change that take place to fully become each stage. So if I were to be specific, the butterfly doesn’t just break through and fly out in a day, it hibernates, changes/transforms, starts to break through slowly, gets each wing out, gets the body out, spreads the wings, sits in stillness, then flies. #watchmefly has been a process, not just a journey. I remember I gave myself 1 year to “get through this”. I chuckle and laugh now at that Tami. But I still love her and appreciate that she took the time to acknowledge and appreciate and grow and expand.


Awakening, transformation, expansion, darkness and light, law of attraction, unconditional love, connection, clarity, peace, and now stillness,  ALL encapsulate my last 4 years. I am changed. I am different. I am sure. I am grounded. I can now acknowledge I AM part of the all encompassing energy that is light and love and god/source/allah/buddha whatever you believe or words you choose to me it is all the sameness and a oneness. There is no right or wrong. There is no better or worse. It just is what it is. Everything is ok. Everything is always working out for us. There is no problem or issue to fix, it is just understanding ourselves and the body and mind and spirit and emotions and the concept of being human and the concept of being spirit at the same time! wtf! yeah! I can understand why I was confused all these years. Then throw in past lifetimes. wtf! I think I was a young black man and a Russian in my past lives. I know this because it helps everything make sense. Or I just want to believe that so I can continue putting together my own life puzzle. At least it’s interesting and I never get bored. We create our own realities people so sky is the limit! It's wonderful!


Besides spiritual growth which I was in desperate need of and will continue to do until I am no longer part of my physical body, I basically health coached myself into the present state of existence. I actually “became” a health coach as well. I can now better understand the concept of exercise, nutrition, and the whole mind/body/soul concept because I have and am still living it. I would often get frustrated being a trainer because I could not explain and coach how to really encompass ones’ own health. I understood the 2-dimensional concept of calories in, calories out, effective and efficient exercises, setting goals, discipline and routine. Do they work? Yes. But I don’t know 1 person that lives life by sheer discipline that is happy and healthy. Now I understand. It’s just letting all my experience and info marinate into my mind and body and letting my soul take over to deliver the message in a way the resonates with all us humans. Shit! Now I really gotta live and practice what I preach. I will. I am. I will continue to do. I am still a work in progress and this time I am ok with that… it’s ok to deliver messages when you are “in the works” BUT to my experience it is also about being in alignment with yourself and letting all those who are seeking out those messages come to you. You don’t  need to go to them, then it feels forced and that there is a “rightness” in what you are delivering and that is just not the case. It’s just more info that might help us humans understand, digest, and live fuller lives while we are “here” on earth. There are no cookie cutter answers, it is just case by case and what feels good for each individual. At least that’s what I have seen and felt over the past 4 years.


So this long winded 4 years stuff has turned into how I am evolving as a human and a spirit. It has shown me my disconnection and now connectedness to all that exists. It has taught me that there is light and dark and they are BOTH valuable and VERY much needed to expand and grow in our lifetimes. I have witnessed much beauty, sadness, aliveness, confusion, clarity, peace, rage, and my new experience of stillness. Tears and smiles fill each day. I have started and continue to lift the heaviness and actually FEEL lighter. My digestion is improving. My lymphatic system is in check. My immune system, a work in progress from the ups and downs of life. My PH levels better with a lemon each day and old habits subsiding. My relationships improving. My love now unconditional. Judgement and criticism only creep up during my egotistical moments, which are few nowadays. Self love is at a high and self loathing at an all-time low. Depression, only when I drink/overeat and feel sorry for myself and let the negative and darkness rule my inner being. Alignment of soul/self seems to occur when I practice meditation each day. Stress and anxiousness disappear when I practice mindful breathing techniques. My breast cancer subsides and chills out when all is good in the hood. This is a lifetime commitment and journey so I guess you could say I married my SELF. I look to my SELF for happiness and bliss instead of another person or things. I take one day at time, live in the moment, appreciate, love, smile, take deep breaths, and enjoy life. That’s what I know to date. ​



​thx for reading! xo Tami

before and afterS and in the works...

on the go all the time...                          relaxed.....

starting to break out of shell...           overworrying about things...

roadtrip explorations towards the authentic ME....

can't let go of some egotistical ways....

beginning to connect and appreciate and say thank you....

a deeper understanding of who and why i am the  way i am /was

my spirit gods and goddesses and connectedness...

i physically took out the trash and cleaned my closets...

made time for the Fam and Friends...

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appreciated the concept/bond/power in family...

learned how to BE love and SPREAD love...                                                             started to fully LIVE and BE the BOSS of my  life....

made amends with my SELF...                                    explored food for medicine concept....               made new friends....

took stock of my life and how i was living and what i believed and perception...

started to include green at every meal...

started to explore by myself...

said goodbyes...

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started new beginnings...                                                                                             reached for only the best feelings...

strengthened bond of family...

appreciated friend time, work, break time, and mother nature perks....

learned and appreciated the connection of my girls and protection, belief, and support...

saw a human in all aspects from mom to daughter to sister to lover to friend to companion to spirit which helped me stand tall, instilled color and bliss in my life, allowed me to see grace and gangsta in the same breath, and gave me the gift of self love and belief and trust and learning how to move through it all with grace...

took time to have fun and appreciate the moment and actually FEEL it....

slowly realizing LOVE is all around me and i just have to let it in....

and when you get knocked down... be appreciative of the process, it's how you get back on your feet, and there is more light in the end of the tunnel than you can even imagine....