Opening minds and hearts to Hope and Inspiring Change to Lead a Creative Life!
I think loving life, loving people, loving myself, and feeling love in return have been the ultimate journey the past handful of years. I still find myself in the middle of brain dilemmas on how I think I should be and be reacting in loving ways. It always comes down to getting right with myself first. As I search for what feels good in the moment, I find small pieces of clarity that have been there all along and I just didn’t know it. My bad. I was doing what I knew. Choosing what feels good might seem selfish, but it seems to be the best way I have discovered so far to really do right by humanity and give the most and best of me while I am here on earth. It felt inexplicable and exhausting thinking about what others might think so I stopped. I have cancer and big fat traumatic deaths to thank for this transformation. I look around and wonder what everyone else’s journeys are looking like these days. What is going on and how can we all BE together and enjoy what is inevitably left of our lives? Everyone has a story. Everyone is unique and has their own processes, likes, dislikes, ways of being, so why can’t we all just accept what is and just keep moving forward to our happy places? Maybe we are and I just need to work through more of my stuff. IDK.
Love was a sketchy thing in my past. Today it seems more inviting and I have felt it more often. I have successfully broken down my own walls and accepted what is and let in all the sunshine that life has to offer. I think I might be embarrassed to say that love seemed empty and very unfulfilling but the action of “getting quiet” through meditation has dramatically improved how I view life, myself, people, humanity, and perception. I can now actually feel love and feel the warm fuzzies and peace that it can bring to a person. I am still human and yearn to be loved by a special someone but I guess that is natural? I seek travel and adventure as a means to expand myself and my horizons and feel connected with the universal flow. I am thankful my cat Van is still around to greet me when I come back home. His cold cat kisses, slobbery cat drop drools, head butt hugs, and whiny meows feel annoyingly loving and it is sometimes the only thing I look forward to when I return to my condo in the beautiful windy city of chi-town.
I had no idea my world would look and feel like what it does today. Sunshine, warm fuzzies, travels, a dad who is now my biggest fan, 2 sisters that I adore, 4 nieces and nephews that keep me up to date with the world and keep me in check to be my best self, family and friends that help keep me grounded, and an energetic connection with all the leading ladies in my life who are now part of the non-physical. My feminist ways remain but now I feel like I have to be the leader of the pack. I am no longer the daughter, niece, or granddaughter, but I am the new leader. I feel like I need to be smart and efficient and effective and give back what was passed to me in a current manner. I grieve the passing of the women still, but know they are here to keep guiding me. I cry and have my moments. My nana, grandmother, mom, step-mom, and aunt have exited this lifetime. It feels weird. It feels unreal. I have not yet processed all that is. They were all so unique and special. I find myself wondering how I can spread love even more? How can I show you that I love you even more? How can you understand that I love you even more? I guess it all comes down to going forward with what feels good and being your own unique self. I have struggled with approval in the past and have deep wishes to shed this action and feeling. My new wish is to be so strong within myself that I can stand and be who I am at the core and be happy and healthy and help others in the process to do the same for themselves. Perhaps I am late to the game and everyone knows how to do this already.IDK.
So as I navigate through these new waters and gather myself and let go of the belongings and titles I thought I had, I find new peace and health and wealth in letting things be as they are and trust the process. I find solidarity in knowing the women in my life are still out there supporting every move I make or don’t make. I have not solved any world problems and really I don’t know shit. :) I wish to make amends with those who don’t like me and wish to give more love to those who want to accept it from me. I carry no hate or resentment and only feel love and joy to pass on and look forward to in my lifetime. So tell me, how can I love you more? How can I help contribute and make this lifetime better? I am doing my part and am navigating the best I can. I am being me and have to believe that is the best I can do and be in this lifetime. My heart is big enough to spread around so let me fly and sprinkle love on the earth as only I know how to do. It’s the only way I know how to be.
As always, thanks for reading and listening.
Tami Herbst xo