it feels good...

I had visions of a bald headed buddha and sounds of monks chanting 3 years ago when I started to experiment with meditation. I called people tree huggers and did not take any responsibility for the eco system and did not grasp fully being “green”. I knew about astrology and psychics and liked reading horoscopes. I was living aesthetically and had no concept of spirit or soul or source or the laws of the universe or connecting to my self. I was numb and lived a very robotic life and I was doing it all to myself.  The blame game sucks and feels really crappy so I am not going to do that to myself AND I am also not going to blame the past and the people from the past. So where does that lead me? Life has been a process. Meditation has been a tool to help me heal and begin to thrive.  I simply did not know. 

I was first hooked when I experienced the voice and message of Deepak Chopra. I spent countless hours in my basement with the lights out listening to videos on Youtube. I explored the messages of Deepak, Wayne Dyer, Louise Haye, Abraham Hicks, Echkart Tolle, and Sadhguru. I began to experience energy cleansing, learned about the chakras, the laws of the universe, the art of letting go and retraining the brain. I am now tapping into my emotions and using them as a barometer to head in the “feel good” direction. I have changed perception. I have gained much needed clarity to heal myself. I have been to therapy to help me navigate through the relationship with myself and with others better. I have done hypnotherapy to release past trauma. BUT in order to really go through this whole transformation and keep my sanity, the tool of meditation has been my rock.

To be honest, I didn’t even know if I was truly meditating “correctly” but that was part of the process. I didn’t care because I just wanted to feel better and I was feeling better so I knew it was working. My mind started to open up and release and make room for new info. It was good. I started telling myself more positive stories. Yes we are the creators of our own reality. When I look back at my life it now makes sense. It’s like a big puzzle. I happened to have the puzzle that got mixed up with another puzzle and some of the parts would never fit. So piece by piece I began to tapestry together my life. I had to dig deep. I had to do some forgiveness. I had to be compassionate towards myself. I had to give myself a break from all the high expectations. I had to feel my emotions and process them and let them out. I had to communicate better with people. I had to stop squashing myself. I had to stop putting conditions on myself and my thoughts and others.  I had to stop looking to others for validation. I had to believe that I was capable and really believe in myself and trust myself. I had to really let go and just let things be and trust in the process of the universe.

The damn waters were rising all these years then FINALLY the flood gates opened and everything just exploded out of me. All this self “work” I had been doing kicked into high gear and I was not drowning I was finally thriving, truly from the inside out. What could have been days, months, years, decades of pain were magically “poofed” away and light and love filled my insides. I have clarity every day. I know I go through what I don’t want to figure out what I do want. I don’t even know that I have words yet for what I have and am still experiencing.  I feel an abundance of love and gratitude each day. It even feels different to walk and experience the day. The bad habit patterns that were holding me back and helping me “cope” have decreased tremendously. I victimized myself over and over and over by binge eating, over drinking, shopping too much, looking to others for validation, squashing my thoughts and emotions, and actually believing all the negative stories I let in and told about myself.

I now have an incredibly free feeling to be authentically me. I now understand the art of “just do nothing” by understanding the things I was doing to contrast that like “holding on” or “trying to fix”. I am officially tuned in, tapped in, turned on to source energy and getting myself in alignment to live out the many things in my own personal vortex. I understand my power. I am now continuously letting in, flowing, and living harmoniously. It feels good.

videos from my most recent trip to palm springs

Thx for reading my blogs. My cancer journey has been very transformational. I am very thankful.

XO- Tami