This month marks 5 years living with cancer BUT thriving. How can that be? If I get straight to the nitty gritty there is a huge crappy list of sad things and a huge wonderful list of beautiful things that have all manifested in a very quick successional manner. I have written blog after blog as a means to get out my emotions, heal, help, and pave the path for my continuous journey. I have been abstract, raw, truthful, and vulnerable. I am only seeking the essence of who I am and who I can be. There has been lots of crying and smiling and contemplating. Sometimes I feel a mess and messy. Sometimes I feel anxious and scared. Sometime I feel like the sun couldn’t shine any brighter and the water couldn’t feel more peaceful. Sometimes I feel like I am making a big deal about things. Sometimes I feel judgement creeping in. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and do a restart of the day. Sometimes I want moments to never end. I guess that means I’m human.
This cancer thing has cast light on the ugliness that was me and given me gifts that keep me in awe every day. I gulp and shed tears as I write that sentence. My past was filled with buckets of shame and a hyper self-consciousness that wrecked the possibility of a healthy existence. I had unfulfilling relationships with everything in my life. However my present is filled with a peacefulness and acceptance of what the real me is and I am so thankful. Thank you cancer for turning my life into what it is. I have been torn down, but re-built and am continuously building new healthy relationships with myself, people, and life. It feels so much better.
I’ve had conversations with many people about cancer. I always try to play “middle-man” and see all sides and be objective. That is my nature. However, if I stick to my guns on how I truly feel about cancer it would be this…. Just like anything in life you can dwell or move forward. You can sit on the couch or you can live life. You can be assertive and educate yourself and decide what is best for you or listen and go along with the masses. I made a choice. I made a plan. I made it happen. I stepped up to the plate and swung. I missed many times but in the end I hit it out of the ballpark. My commitment of natural healing lead to a happy and healthy and peaceful life. I feel like I won. Cancer is portrayed as a fearful and deadly thing and yes, it can be. I believe that if you can release personal fear, live healthy, accept, and focus on what makes you feel happy then life can be golden. I believe it can shift your body into a state that is healthy. So yes cancer can be beat naturally and yes I can be considered a survivor but perhaps not in the conventional sense. I don’t feel like a warrior and I don’t want to be a warrior because that indicates struggle. We don’t have to struggle. We have choices. I like peaceful Tami and she is here to stay. I don’t like cancer but I accept that it has a bigger task in teaching our human race how to live. My mom died of cancer last year. I am heartbroken because she was my best friend, not because she had cancer. I am not angry at cancer. Blame gets you nowhere. When you are living a toxic life it can manifest and show up in your body as disease. Breast cancer was my manifestation. Ovarian cancer was my mom’s manifestation. I don’t believe you just get cancer for reasons that are inexplicable.
I think many people don’t address death or disease until they are struck with either of these scenarios personally. I was struck with both many times the past 5 years. Walking in these shoes has been very interesting. Forces of life that catapult you into different states of existence is what I would say it did for me. So long to old adages and ways of the past. Life is no longer about what I am doing but who i am being. The healthy lifestyle journey is for life. The promise to love and be loved is for life. The promise to stay connected to the universe and all of existence is for life. This is now #mylife and who I am. That’s as real as it gets for now. #watchmefly
Tami Herbst xo