Today I was randomly surfing the net and ran across my junky yahoo celebrity gossip news and pressed the blurb about Giuliana Rancic E! news anchor. I don't know why. I think because I knew she had breast cancer at 1 point and that made me click. I am happy to say I have been cable TV free for 2 months now and I now LOVE netflix. No more reality tv for me. It was putting my head in a bad space I think. It was a good choice. Anywho, back to Giuliana :). I read the article and ran across a foundation she created called FAB-U-WISH. It is in support of women with breast cancer and it had a section to "tell your story" and ask for a big "wish". My interest was just that it got me thinking again about my journey, where I am, where i have been and it prompted me to write, so I did it. They first asked to "TELL YOUR STORY" in 5000 words or less! It went a little something like this.....
My sister and I were both diagnosed with DCIS Breast Cancer in 2015. My sister had a double mastectomy and I am currently still trying to cure my cancer naturally. I opted to NOT have surgery or tamoxifen or radiation. My sister is doing ok and dealing with getting back to a normal life. My family, friends, and boyfriend have been very nice and my mother has been a complete angel in this whole process. I feel like a part of my cancer has been about helping others feel ok that I feel like I am ok and am ok with my decision. I have definitely struggled with WHY I have cancer and have tried to gain and maintain a sense of pride and purpose on this journey. I have been blogging and my story can be followed here http://www.aflygirl.com/watchmefly. Most recently, I have not written much. I have been trying to catch up with my finances and just live a normal life but with much more appreciation, in the moment living, and have been building/creating a toxin free life. Lately, I am feeling pretty stuck and unfulfilled. I thought I had it figured out and have been making all the right strides towards a natural cure but now I feel pretty defeated. This cancer has helped open my eyes to things I was doing and being that were unhealthy. My biggest challenge has been to undo the wrongs and make them into rights. Emotionally I kinda feel a mess. My hope is to evolve into a better state of mind. I am trying to keep my focus on change and moving in the right direction.
There are so many layers of change, hurt, realizations, eye-opening knowledge, and happiness all in the same daily picture that it is hard to explain. It's all jumbled together each day. I think about cancer, toxins, feeling like shit emotionally, and trying to be a good person in this world that I have essentially created for myself. I have several hopes and desires that are even more clear for me today, its just getting there that is super challenging. I am trying to be patient and "do the work" to get where I want to be personally, professionally, and within relationships. I look forward to when I can really put my energies into helping others by spreading all the knowledge I have gained the past year in regards to cancer, living with cancer, choices we have that might not seem obvious, and creating/living our healthiest life. I am working on the "happy" part and am anxious to figure it all out and include that in my cancer sharing too. I know I have to live through it first and gain a new perspective on true happiness. I believe I will get there and have the visions to carry me that far, it just isn't really much fun right now.
Speaking of fun, that is also what I am focused on and feeling stuck with believe it or not. When I look back, I see I have missed much fun in my life. I am realizing this is what also helps keep us sane and grow towards happiness. I am also seeing that what we are passionate about also helps us grow into that happy state. These are 2 areas that I desperately need to change and feel I need help with. I feel kind of stupid saying it and writing it out. It seems to be obvious and like I should have really gotten these points a long time ago. So if anything, thanks for creating this portal that made me write it out and see it! I am having an "aha" moment as Oprah would say.
THEN THE PORTAL ASKED ME TO TALK ABOUT MY "WISH" in 5000 WORDS OR LESS...
Cancer lead me here and I am grateful. Even though it feels gloomy at times, I know the sunshine is around the corner. I know from previous self-help times in my life that the changing part is terse and sad and hurts, BUT I also know the after-math is glorious. I look forward to those days. I am struggling, but my struggle right now is helping me find clarity and move on with an even greater life. In a sense, I have almost been scared of Fun and Passion. I am starting to think about what that means for me and what I need to do to get on the fun and passion bus. :) This is the chapter I am currently on in my Cancer story. This is the chapter I am currently living and not living that I so desperately need to change. I can also See and Feel the chapters after.. perhaps that is where I need to focus. These chapters are filled with lots of love, laughter, and smiling faces. I see me creating my next musical endeavor. I see me creating a documentary about cancer. I see me being supportive and helping women and girls with self-esteem so they can help us make the world better. I see light being shed on cancer and health and me using this as a portal to help people be better and live better.
When I saw this portal I just started to write not really knowing what I might ask for? It seems silly to ask for anything. I feel like I have a lot more giving to do in my life than anything. There is the typical money thing, this sh++ is expensive and no insurance covers anything that is considered alternative medicine. I was $20,000 in the hole, but have paid off about 50% of that in less than a year! I have been working my 3 jobs fiercely and with even more conviction than pre-cancer days. I feel happier within the jobs but still not complete. My belief is the amount of money you make comes from what you love to do and are passionate about. I make a decent living and am able to support myself. I have food, clothing, shelter, the basics are covered. I spread love and happiness and support to those who come in contact with me in my trades of work. BUT, if I were to "wish big" , it would be to call "work" my passion and make tons of money so I can go on vacation without bending over backwards to do it, be able to pay my medical bills, and be able to reach a life for me that is more fulfilling and a happy place to be. If I had to be specific, I would take the last 4 lines of my cancer story and elaborate. I would have to do a bit more soul searching and digging. Here it goes!....
"I see me creating my next musical endeavor."
I have "kinda" been a dancer for 35 years. I have been a musician for 15 years. I have been a female rapper for 15 years. When you look at me yes it might seem strange, but for some reason it works. Being involved in entertainment is my #1passion. I love it and it makes me feel the best about me. As cancer approached my life last year, I was in the middle of figuring out what was "next" for me musically. I was ready to leave the band I am currently in, THEN the tides turned and the band showed me so much love and support that I could not leave. I actually quit for 3 days pending my then scheduled cancer surgery. They gave me "time off" , time to create a plan for myself, and time to start to heal. Financially, this time also bought my way back into a salary that potentially could have been gone. It now continues to help me pay my medical bills. I am forever indebted, am eternally grateful, and have a new outlook on my longevity within the band. However, I know I will be at the same crossroads again. I am not sure the exact path to take next musically, but I have made a pact with myself to start writing lyrics again and see what happens. I think an "original" music approach might be more soul fulfilling. I love hip hop and love the current show we have created as a band, it's just fun to think about the possibilities about what could be next for me musically. I have envisioned a musical theater type of show, perhaps it is the story of a girl with cancer? a girl who changed her life? a girl who found true happiness? I like all these scenarios, maybe I just need to live a little longer? So a wish that consists of advancing musically!
"I see me creating a documentary about cancer. "
This never would have been on my list if it were not for this past year. I did not see this one coming at all. This wish would be super awesome because it would be helpful for so many people. My style is to be pretty trendy so the average informational documentary would not do. I hate boring and informational but I LOVE entertaining and informational! How would I make talking about cancer entertaining? Perhaps reality style? I am not really the reality tv type of character but perhaps this is a new type of reality? So a wish that consisted of spreading knowledge about cancer... perhaps a new version of positive reality tv that is not drama filled! :)
"I see me being supportive and helping women and girls with self-esteem so they can help us make the world better."
I started a brand called "a Fly Girl". I currently turned the website into a blog site. I was selling imprinted inspirational women's tops and bottoms and jewelry. My goal was to really give women some positivity and good self-esteem. I was in sell-sell-sell mode and was not having much luck with it financially. When cancer kicked in full gear for me I created my own inspirational hashtag #watchmefly and created a few clothing items to sell. I blogged because it was important to me. I realized I needed to share my journey because not only would it help me heal, there is a lot pertinent information for the general public. I would wish for someone to help take my brand in the direction of being successful financially.
These 3 wishes will help lead me to shed light on cancer & health. I will use these portals to help people be better & live better.
That is my wish!
So I pressed the submit button and it said "saving" and doing that whole icon spinning and nothing happens type thing in internet land. So it prompted me to email my story and wish. I did email it and have no idea if it will go through or go to junk mail. I have no expectations of a response it was just good to write again. After I emailed it I went on the website again and read through it a bit more. I found a part that said past "wishes granted" so I started to read. I began to feel kinda foolish because the wishes were things like.. Debbie had a party for her friends, Shannon had a photoshoot, Davina had a fashion makeover, etc etc... You can see why i might feel a bit stupid now right? In my head I justified it and said well Giuliana told me to "think big" for my "wish". THIS is my big! To be honest I felt kinda like a hot mess. I got over it pretty quickly though . :) I remembered some scenarios that made me feel a bit better. I thought of times I "went all out" the kinda "go big or go home" type of scenario. I realized that is who I am. That is how I live. I am ok with that. I can adjust parts of it but I think I kinda like my life like that. That has been the thing that pushes me forward. It has also been the thing that gets me caught up and "stuck" too. I AM working on it. Working on making it work better for me in a healthier way. This was just another lesson within a scenario that got me back into the game and thinking BIG again. Thx Giuliana!
Thx for taking the time to read this!
Tami Herbst xo