These last couple years have been riddled with disease, death, expansion, transformation, and every emotion on the map for myself. As I have continued my cancer and "life" healing journey I understand things better for myself each day. I have been thinking about how we search externally many times to "feel good" and often get caught in the trap of what others say-do-think to help us feel accomplished or valid. Whether you have searched for a parents approval, a good grade at school, a smiling face to wear even if it is fake, a crowd cheering for you, a mate to bond with, a diet to get you on track, etc etc etc, these could all be external searches for health and happiness. I guess I should only speak for myself because I know everybody is different.
I have often searched externally because I didn't know any better. I knew these things were external, but did not know HOW to really connect with myself. I did not have the tools to really make the connection. Like a robot that has malfunctions, humans do too. This all started early in childhood and probably even before I was even conceived. The snowball effect took place and poof I found myself smack dab in the middle of cancer land. They say people with cancer carry some similar traits such as suppressing emotions, taking care of others before themselves, worry warts, negative or pessimistic, and live stressfully. Wow... i feel kinda stupid saying it all cuz it applies to me. I always thought I was positive and cried a lot, and had low stress, but as I dug through my life and really started to connect with myself I was not thinking very highly of my self. Hurts to say but it is the truth. I thought my self-esteem was in check. I thought I was healthy. I soon learned that I was internally leading myself to disease because of what I really believed about myself. I searched out and kept myself in situations that kept this internal negative momentum going. Perhaps on the outside this is not what people saw? I dunno. I had to roll back time and let go of all the beliefs and perceptions I had for myself based on me listening to the outside world. I am not blaming just accepting where I was at. I soaked up all the negative things and they permeated into cancer. No worries. In true Tami style I got out all my power tools and started to chip away at those negative nancy thoughts about myself.
2 years later I feel pretty damn good.
I understand mostly how I developed into this person and how I have transformed into another. I still see all the external things but have a different view and can appreciate- then move on- and let go- and be done. It's nice to have accomplishments, accolades, approval, validations, a new outfit, a new hairdo, new shoes, etc but they are just little nudges to keep us going in a positive direction. The true award is what we think of ourselves. Truly. Not just a list of good human traits, but do we really live our life and treat ourselves the most "feel good way " every moment, every time, every day, every week, every year. Why not? What we feel about ourselves is what we project and if we start with ourselves and are truly happy about and within our "self" we emulate those vibrations and give and attract the same. What have we created? My quest for true bliss, a grateful heart, and a positive mind is exciting and filled with lots of deliciousness. It is helping shape everything in my life and within myself and I am super excited to be able to remember my "self" in a very positive light. Even the the first 45 years.
Thought I would share this collage below of the snapshots i have taken the past few months. I am not a huge selfie taker so it might seem boring but it is representative of my current state of continuing to morph into the new me... rebuilding my confidence, buying a condo, remodeling, being patient and seeing the pieces come together, celebrating, practicing a good start to each and every day, making choices for myself based solely on what i like/want and feeling ok about it, trying to really enjoy the process, sending up another cat angel and appreciating the one who could stay for now, trying to maintain positive momentum, not let myself get too sad at times, cut myself off if my brain even entertains the idea of going down the negative thought path, and continuing the total health journey without falling off the bandwagon. Life is good. Life is turning into a new way. I am ok.
Tami Herbst xo