we must be fearless...

As I journey through my natural breast cancer healing I have come across MANY emotions and thoughts. It's kinda like a floodgate and they all pile up and start overflowing. There are good days and bad days. There are happy days and depressing days. Just like any other time in your life where we all experience emotion whether it be love, anger, elation, pride, frustration, agitation, strength, weakness, vulnerability, heart-pounding joy, and the list goes on. I can recall a few very vivd moments when my emotions felt amplified and micro-scoped. While researching all I could and piling mounds upon mounds of information in my head, I found myself feeling explosive. Like I could not cram any more into my head. I was forgetting little things that I never forget. I felt so explosive I did not know how to handle what I was feeling. It was foreign to me and it felt crappy. One day I was in full-work mode at one of the gyms trying to get "things done" and every turn there was something that was slowing me down and I was getting REALLY frustrated. 

People were asking me questions and I just couldn't seem to concentrate on the tasks at hand or get anything productive accomplished. So frustrated that I had to leave before I let out a scream just to release. I realize now that this was part of the process. Just as I tell my Depaul students it's about getting rid of the old negative stuff and bad habits/patterns so you have room for the new positive good habits and things that bring you joy and fulfillment.  YES this was a TEST and I had to eat my words and walk the talk. Just like a cluttered closet you have to get rid of things so you have room for new stuff, right? The problem is letting go of the old because...... we might need it again? we will miss it? we paid all that money for it? We just can't seem to let go of things sometimes.  

From this I developed my first legit cancer-fighting motto "let it go" and " detox your life". I even developed some phrasing for a Fly Girl  and made a retractable banner with these words.​ (up above) I am a big advocate in surrounding yourself with what you want to be, in the environments that help you be that, and around the people that can also help you develop into that intention or vision. I believe this is a great tool to help you achieve change. Change can be very challenging. We all will go through changes throughout our lifetime. Which brings me to the word  "fear".  I have always believed that this "fear" is what holds us back, what makes us do or believe certain things, why we sometimes stay in our safe zone, why we might have insecurities, and why we might have racist or judgmental qualities. We act out of fear sometimes and it can be a pretty ugly picture and it can be very self deprecating.

My NEW improved MOTTO...

My 2 BIGGEST Challenges in this journey are surprisingly NOT the Cancer. I find myself back in the saddle doing an abundance of self-work again! I guess we always feel we have it figured out, then nope, you get a big swift kick in the a++ with something else that needs to be resolved or experienced in your life in order for you to move forward. My 2 biggies: FEAR- Reacting out of Fear or NOT acting because of Fear, LETTING GO of all that exists in your Life to let CHANGE happen. Let me be more explicit. Let's address Letting Go. The opposite, holding on, controlling, manipulating, not allowing, keeping at arms length, are all actions that were present in my life. YUCK! Whether it was me putting restrictions on my own self, other people, or in relationships. GROSS! Who wants RULES and REGULATIONS on how you should be , talk, act, do, give, receive, feel? Gosh I feel like the lifetime movie Stepford Wives and I am not even a wife! AND the worst part.. I did it to myself! No one did it to me! I feel kinda sheepish... baaah. :) Time I had a talk with myself and tell myself the real deal. Get straight to the point with no sugar coating.  YOU are your own worst enemy Tami. BUT, I forgive you and let's learn, heal, and move forward.  xo :) thx Tami, love you too. SEE! That's all you have to do! Talk to yourself! :) I have been doing it for years! In my head, not out loud. I think I will start doing it out loud, maybe that will help it sink in better. On the realz, letting go is challenging for some, I knew it was there but did not know how to  "fix it".  I am really hoping that out of this whole process and my new adventures, these 2 things, Letting GO, and battling Fear will just go away, along with the cancer.  As I experience more Ayurvedic sessions, approach meditation, create ZEN in my home, create my new daily routine, I find my MIND changing and adapting to NEW healthy ways for my SOUL that just seem to automatically help the past negatives disappear. I am blowing in the wind and one by one this monsoon is blowing away the wreckage and they are no longer part of me.  So enlightening and freeing and helpful for my Life. 


As I analyze my own self and my own habits and reactions I now realize in certain areas of my life I let FEAR sway me. It could be a little fear or a big fear and it could also be a FAKE fear. Fake meaning I look at it now and ask myself " why did i do that? or react that way? or why didn't I speak up? or why did I not just try to do that? why did i procrastinate?" and really the list goes on and on for me.... Fear for losing what? Fear of being what? Fear of people thinking what? I would like to quote Katt Williams and say my new motto is like IF you were gonna take a hit from a joint and you get high and you have an attitude that feels like...  "fu++ it!". So what! Who cares! Well I care. BUT why? If I was truly in touch with my spirit I think I would have known better. I think I would have been able to put on a smile and go ahead with the things that really gave me joy and happiness and laughter, no matter what. I would have been able to be in this material world and been able to move down my TRUE path.  Well no more! I AM working on it and coincidentally the "I AM" is part of the resolution. Look up different forms of meditation and read about the I  AM and maybe this will start to make sense. The " I AM" is a whole other subject that has lots of sentiment and is a tool to help people CHANGE and grow and be confident and set intentions to what and where they want to be.  We act out of fear so we need to FEAR LESS and be FEARLESS. FEAR holds us back and does not allow us to live our lives completely and fully. FEAR can paralyze us. FEAR can hinder us. FEAR makes us act out unnecessary judgements. FEAR  is NOT my friend right now BUT I will walk side by side with FEAR so I can move out of FEAR. Friends with the Enemy, right? Maybe a passive aggressive way to deal, but hey, gotta do what ya gotta do. 

So namaste Friends, I have some fears to go battle.  I shall return!

​Tami xo