A self Journey through dealing with Cancer and how it can Impact your LIFE positively.
Living life in the lap of luxury and love? Why not? We all deserve the best. We are all doing the best we can. We all have the power of choice and power to create reality for ourselves. Who are we being and what are we doing? Do you show your true colors and look for rainbows? What kind of life would you lead if it was not this one? So many questions in my head and this self-realization process feels like such a roller coaster BUT I wouldn’t want it any other way. We are perfect human beings and our journey is life, not the actual manifestation of our desires. The best part… the sun always rises and sets and so we have a chance to live this life over and over and dive into our creations! So why wouldn’t we always stretch ourselves to reach for what feels the best. How do we get there? Where is there? I tell you what, I have been to many destinations, however, I have MANY more to visit. I like open-minds and open- communication, and the feeling to be free within ourselves. I like to surround myself with the ones who let me be me and in return they also like to be themselves. The connection and joy to move our energy together is pure bliss. It’s like a dance. It’s like music. It’s like art. It can be very abstract or very raw.
What the hell am I talking about and why so analytical? Well, I ‘m a virgo, that’s what I do. I spent this summer road tripping by myself, it’s very meditational and healing for me. It somehow gives me clarity and opens my mind to new beginnings and new perspective. It’s awesome! New experiences seem to help me shift gears, shift my life, and the drive has been so scenic that I never want to stop. It’s like something else takes over and there is NO going backwards, no reverse, just forward momentum. The law of attraction is full in force and desires are being fulfilled day after day.
Does every moment FEEL this wonderful. No. Can’t lie. That’s part of life and I look at it as helping to propel me quicker to where I want to be. I still learn and grow and push myself to expand day after day. It’s never ending. It’s not exhausting, it’s thrilling. It’s warm fuzzies. It’s adrenaline. It’s pure love minute after minute. A friend asked me recently if I was running. Hell yeah! Yes running away from bad feelings but also running towards joy and a good life. If we can create ways to live life in a fun way, why would we not? Why would we not try to create the best scenarios day after day and be around the people, places, and things that lift us up towards joy and freedom? IDK bout you, but this is my new version of living and it rocks!
How did I get here? Honesty is the best policy, right? Gloom and doom would be my answer. Gut wrenching times, heavy heart-attack palpitations, cancer, death and misery, tons of tears, rage and anger, lots of letting go and breakups, and the feeling of not even wanting to exist anymore. Heavy, I know. No worries. I’m here, I got through it, I time traveled through it. How did I do it? I told the universe I wanted to heal myself of all things and said I would do whatever it took to get me to the other side. What happened? Well, month after month the universe laid it on super thick! Blow after blow was like a fight with Muhammed Ali, but I won. Did it have to be this way and did I create my own darkness? I’m sure a bit. But life happens, dark shit happens , people can act crazy, and it is NOT fun. I have seen and felt complete darkness. I have seen and felt complete brightness. I choose the light. I choose nowadays to dance and sing at every moment possible.
How do you deal with darkness and do you need that to see the light? I think so. At least that’s how it happened for me. My darkest time to date is the death of my 2 moms 2019. My mom died 7-24-2019 6pm and it it is the way she died that will forever be etched in my thoughts. My 2nd mom died 10-1-2019. Seeing both my moms dead bodies are forever in my vision. Touching both of their dead bodies remain in my sense of touch. To keep this blog open and honest I will share some details that are hard to say out loud. The 10 months of caring for my mom and trying to ease her painful cancerous death remains in my bones. Holding the hand of her 80lb body, laying by her side and listening to her heartbeat slow down to nothing haunts my ears. Visions of blood coming out of her mouth haunts my eyes. Seeing her toe tag and being rolled away in a stretcher covered by a sheet breaks my heart over and over. Kissing the corpse of my 2nd moms forehead and thanking her for being the best mom makes me feel like throwing up. I will never forget and cannot unsee these moments. I can only create a newness that blinds all of my senses. My mom was my kindred spirit and she no longer physically exists so I have to create new ways to connect. My 2nd mom was my confidant and helped me cope with myself and life. Nowadays they are the sunshine, the moon, the mountains, the water, the flowers, the birds, the butterflies, the rainbows, the sunrise, and the sunset. They still push me day after day to be successful, but this time at living life. They help me dance and listen to the music every day. They sit on the passenger side and enjoy each ride with me. They are the loudest voices in my head telling me what to do when I don’t feel good. They are in every meditation session when I have questions and want answers. They are the impulse to try new things and meet new people and just go for it and be fearless. They are part of the universe and the energy that steers my every move. I am so glad they are out there on my side routing me on. They see and feel what I am doing and the proof is in each manifestation, cuz living life in the lap of luxury and love is what they would have wanted, so now we share it together. Even more so than when they were physically here. I think they planned it all. I think they knew. I think they still nurture me and even better than when they could physically hold my hand.
Because of the darkness, I can now dance to the rhythm of life until my body collapses. There is no going back. It’s a done deal. I shook hands with the universe and accepted my self, my self-created fate, the willingness to open up and love no matter what, and the ability to trust who I am and stick to what feels good. I still drive in many lanes, but stay mostly in the zone of happiness, leave the cooking to the universe, and follow my heart and passions. Life can be grand. We can all be wizards. The sun shines on us all. So the question is, will you take time to enjoy the sunrise? What will you do after sunset? Will you dance through the days? I made a choice to get busy living life and having fun with it all while I still have time. Will you?
As always, thanks for reading and listening.