the c-word can be beautiful if you let it....

The c-word can be a beautiful experience if you let it in and choose to make parts of it a really positive and life expanding situation. Cancer was never really a “thing” in our family until about 3 years ago and now it is a part that has changed the course of our family life. At least that’s how I see it. I focus on the word because the general knee jerk reaction is to think scary, death, it’s all over, what to do, shock, fear, traumatic, only 1 choice, not me, why me, and victimization. My experience has been quite the opposite and very eye opening. I guess if I had another “thing” I wanted to do or thought I was suppose to do on earth while my physical body is here it would be to spread “the word” about this word. It’s really a life lesson on how to wake up and smell the coffee and get involved in life, and be your own advocate, rather than just let life and things happen to you. There is no blame and there is no fault for cancer YET there IS an answer and my belief is that it is NOT by piling millions of dollars into research and coming up short each time with new drugs or new surgeries or a sharks tooth or essiac tea or hyperbaric oxygen chambers or a  2nd and 3rd opinion about what to do….

Cancer is a situation. Just like any other situation, the question is HOW to deal with it and how to rise up rather than get sucked down into the apocalypse of everyone else’s words and actions, and protocol, and how to take the fear out of the situation so you can thrive instead of die. Yes cancer CAN be  a tough road but just like anything else, you make it what it is and your choices are still applicable and relevant and you can make any choice you feel is the best for you. You CAN become victimized or you CAN elevate your mind and rise to the top of the situation and make it a life altering experience. Just like anything else that FEELS big and OVERWHELMING you too can choose to ride the waves of the norm or step up and navigate your own way and make your own informed decisions. Will it be bumpy? Probably. Will it be happy and sad and scary and invigorating and depressing and cheery and freedom all at the same time. Probably. Will it effect your whole family? Probably. So now we have the decision to choose a free life or a victimized life. Your actions and voice and beliefs can dictate the outcome. Can you change your mind? Of course. Can you keep digging for more educated answers? Of course. Will you find answers? Maybe. Will you change course of action during the whole process? Maybe. Will the journey have twists and turns? Yes. Life has contrast so we can advance as a human being and a human race. Cancer is just another one of those contrasting times in life and yes it can be a doozy.
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I personally do this writing to gain clarity, to gain peace, to gain freedom, to spread words/thoughts, to inspire, to motivate, to educate, to achieve possibilities, to love, and to connect. Perhaps it is also to just merely keep myself going. It’s my outlet and I am thankful you choose to take time and listen. So thanks. My written words about my journey, my family’s journey, and cancer was never a planned out thing. I find my self in a place very unfamiliar and needing an outlet. It’s very personal yet not personal cuz I share with whoever wants to listen. I am still figuring out myself, life, people, how to relax into it all, and how to just be. I find myself putting up barriers at times, ignoring things at times, walking away a lot, and just not saying anything. It feels like a bear in hibernation. Yes cancer is a situation and it becomes really interesting when it involves other family members/friends and  it is not just happening to you. 3 years of disease, death, and the emotional marathon journeys are enough to let yourself think that life really sucks AND when it comes to it effecting people that are staples in your life, it rocks your world and really lights a fire in your brain and your emotions and your life and your whole existence. My point being in this blog that life does not suck and even though there are a lot of shitty emotions, there are some of the most poignant and beautiful moments within the whole situation.

If you have been following my blogs, you know my sister, my self and most recently my mother have all been diagnosed with cancer.  That statement there just makes tears want to leak out of my eyeballs but I refrain and keep typing for myself and the masses :)  I don’t even think I can truly understand the significance and impact it is making on my life. I don’t even understand the layers and emotions and moments in time that seem incapacitating. I am still to this day gulping, trying to breath, digesting, and honestly regurgitating from self expansion that seems like a horrific way to go about it all in this lifetime. But that is what is at my doorstep and that/this is what I am for now….​

I was actually ok with myself being diagnosed, and my sisters diagnosis was a big fat lighter under my ass, but the diagnosis of my mother has been truly gut wrenching. Doesn’t mean I love myself and my sister any less, just means holy sh++ wtf is going on and how the hell do I proceed with life and even start to process the thought of not having my mom around? My best friend, my biggest fan, my strictest teacher, my punching bag at times, and the person from where I came from. Just doesn’t seem to make sense yet. My mom is true gangsta til the end and she still has an uphill battle in her court but we are all very hopeful. Doesn’t make sense but it has brought our family up, around, and over the mountains to a destination that is very unforeseen at this point in time. She has chosen both Conventional and Alternative care and has had MANY forks in the road over a 5 month period. The most breath taking part is I get to see my mom outside of being a mom and a business woman. Roles are reversed and I see the true beauty in my mom and am thankful that I have a mom as wonderful as her. Perhaps this is to show me the way? Bring me to my next? Not sure, but Cancer is sure doing it’s job of expanding my families’ minds, relationships, love and affection, support, efforts and human beingness. It truly has been a saga that has been the most love affectionate and rewarding experience to date. If it makes sense I look forward but not forward to the next chapter. The immediate unforeseen is very emotionally draining YET the most complex version of all the layers of love. So if I have not said it lately, I love you and thank you and I am very appreciative.


Thx for listening-


Tami xo