starting to string together the love pieces...

     I had a good childhood. I didn’t want for much. I had the love of 2 parents. I was shy and laughed and smiled a lot. I had school degrees and certifications and good jobs. I was independent and guarded most the time. I was creative and deeply cared what others thought of me. I was horrible at showing emotion and saying what I wanted. I had a family that all supressed emotions and lived with a lot  of stress and worst case scenarios. I had no inclination to be married or have kids. I hated the norm and always felt like the black sheep. I felt like an outsider. I didn’t feel much of anything except fear. Not sure if I ever believed in God even though I went to church as a kid. I was quiet, had friends, but not many. I had many romantic relationships and they all failed. I felt claustrophobic and numbed myself out with work, food, alcohol, shopping, movie binges, and surfing the net. Not really sure when it all started going south for me.
    Now they say I have cancer. I am not arguing, but I am questioning the conventional resolutions. My education in health and fitness and this oppressed black sheep gave me the strong need to prove to myself I could heal on my own. I slowly discovered I was also sick in my mind and the body inflammation was also my ego being inflamed. I became obsessed with developing a plan to make me better. This is when life for me started to change, when I became an explorer, and a student of life.
    My mom gave me information on ideas about alternative medicine. She was the catalyst of my self-healing journey and my best friend. I sought out shamans, gurus, therapists, energy healers, intuitives, ayurvedic practices, yogic rituals and beliefs, herbal medicines, medicinal oils, food that heals, many alternative therapies, and the power of stillness and being quiet. What I found was my self and the lost little girl from ages ago.
    

I became educated about the power to make my self sick and also to heal myself. I chose to heal my self. I became an advocate for myself. I traveled mile after mile, cried tear after tear, screamed loudly inside, let go of many different kinds of relationships, and started to listen to myself. I started to be thankful. I started to believe the affirmations I desperately wrote and read on a daily basis. I became an avid reader, researcher, listened to audio books, watched documentaries, and meditated daily for hours. I made amends with that broken little girl and started to feel compassion. I started to discover the love within me that already existed and that was all around me. I just did not see it before and still could not feel it.
    I re-entered life feeling lost and alone and confused. I developed ways to be the new me and feel safe. I learned to trust myself. I was feeling better and looking healthy. I thought to myself, that journey was heavy. I still felt incomplete and that something was in the way. I knew I had more to experience but was unsure and soon learned I was still very unprepared. My mom was diagnosed with cancer. I became one of her caretakers. I was numb again. We tried to focus on hope, but it was hopeless. It was more grief, more pain, and more crying. It was holding hands with death as her spirit floated out of the room. I was devastated. I felt nothing. I felt like leaving this earth with my mom.
    8 weeks later my 2nd mom passed away from heart disease. I was still numb and could not even comprehend what was going on in my life. I had now seen the dead bodies of my 2 dead moms within a 2 month time period. I felt dead. I was lost again. But this time I had a compass. Emotionally I was a mess but mentally I knew what to do. I had trained my brain and had the tools to get better. I was able to get through the gut-wrenching holidays and be thankful for the family that was still here. I threw myself in work to get through the days, then the Covid pandemic hit the world. My 3 jobs no longer existed. More loss, more grief, more crying, more letting go. I had no job title, no moms, still living with cancer, trying to be healthy, and quarantined in my condo. I was on unemployment driving my mom’s Cadillac. I was sad for the world.
    Thank god for my cat, some singing bowls, meditation, the lessons in letting go, and the will to keep moving forward. I embarked on new travels and adventures wearing a face mask to abide by the newly implemented and mandated city and government rules. I slowly began to feel more at ease and able to start shedding the pile of grief and loss. I traveled alone but that was part of the process. I reached for any and all sunrises and sunsets. I reached to feel and see signs of my 2 moms eternal existence. I grieved for both of my moms and all of humanity. I was thankful to be alive. I was thankful for being able to travel. I cried over all the images of love I had seen over the past 5 years and all the years of my life. I embarked on a spiritual retreat in Mexico involving more medicinal regimens, lots of vomiting, lots of purging, lots of human connection, lots of music and dancing and joy. I was catapulted into seeing and feeling glimpses of love. Am I healed? I don’t know but It would be safe to say all the darkness has left my body and ready to be filled up with goodness.
 

   I am not a God or shaman or healer or even define my self as better or more educated or more enlightened  than anyone. I am simply a person that had “life happen”. In my journey to self-heal came an urgency to understand who I am and why I am here on earth and seek out my soul purpose. I wanted to feel life and feel alive. I found time after time the essence of who I am is love. I understood that mind and emotions took over my life and disconnected me from love. Problems combined with the lack of understanding and no tools in sight were my normal. I had no self- love and lived in shame, guilt, fear, jealousy, comparison, judgement, criticism, and  insecurity. I had poor relationships with everyone and everything in my life. I was self- loathing and full of anger mostly towards my self. I had no relationship with my self. I numbed my self from being and living. I awakened to a life full of disease, death, loss, and grief. I discovered my unhealthy beliefs and attachments which caused me to be so disconnected, needy, and unable to stand on my own. I had no recollection of feeling love. I dug deep into a very transformational letting go process. I opened up and reached out for mercy and love. I said out loud I would do anything and everything to heal my self.
    I share my story as a means to continue my healing process and to give people a possible short cut and some cliff notes into self-discovery and self-healing. If your journey can be less traumatic and filled more with love that is what I wish for everyone. I know everyone has their own process and this short story has allowed me to give a snapshot of possibility about change. Along the way I am most thankful to finally see and feel all the pieces of love that are present in my lifetime. It helps me feel peaceful and stand strong in a belief that something bigger is out there than all of us combined. It helps me understand we are here to create and have fun with life. It helps me understand that doing it with others makes it more joyful. The shackles are off and there are no rules or regulations or conditions. It feels like freedom. It feels good. I know this is love.
    In the darkness we are pushed to be love to cope and then move forward. To change, to expand, to grow, to mold ourselves into what we are and just be and receive. I know from personal experience that being connected with ourselves and caring for ourselves with love and compassion helps us truly understand our gifts, our worthiness, and our acceptance. If I am not loving to myself , then how am I going to be loving toward you? LOVE now flows over and out of this cup. I see the beauty in YOU and ME and WE.  Together we can enjoy this lifetime. Together we can laugh and cry. Together we can communicate, listen, and comprehend what WE need in order to live FREE on this earth until we realize we are connected to this universal being-ness. It truly is one love. Thanks to disease and death that slowly awakened me. It all makes sense now and I feel so happy and free and loved.
     So the sunrise and sunset continues as I piece together all the love in my life. I look forward to new adventures and new projects. Happy to share my Watch Me Fly learning lessons, moments, emotions, processes, and state of being. The journey continues....


Much Love, Tami