3 years but who’s counting? I am! I wish I wasn’t but it is only natural. I have had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I have felt the most love from individuals and the least of love from individuals. When you change, you see and feel and react to things much differently. I am so thankful for clarity. Even if it’s only my clarity and no-one else believes it, it is my clarity and I am fine with that. It is so true that once you decide to stop caring what everyone else thinks, you can then truly embrace yourself and move forward. It doesn’t mean you don’t listen or care about others, it just means you are tuned in to yourself and value what you want and feel first and foremost. It means you check in with yourself first and see if you are still being true to yourself. The more grounded and clear you are about yourself, the more helpful you can really be to others and the world. If you deplete yourself THEN you don't have the best of you to give. You must have yourself in check with lots of self-love and understand your self- worth so you CAN shine and trust in yourself NOT to look to others for answers or love or approval. We are all human so we all have sought approval and love from others rather than ourselves in some capacity. It's only natural. I did it for many years and it got me nowhere. It got me dysfunction and living life aesthetically instead of really searching inside myself for guidance and answers. So glad that’s over!
3 years seems like a lot but it also seems short. I really can’t believe where I am at in this lifetime and what my possibilities are for the rest of life. I just shake my head in disbelief each day and focus on starting each day with delight RATHER than the pressure and stress and not feeling good that existed in the past. My furry friend Van the cat & some meditation lead me into happy & appreciation each and every day. They say pets are good for us and I agree. Van is the bestest cat ever and I can’t believe he is still here protecting me and keeping me in good spirits. I truly believe that is his purpose. If you know Van, you know he has toxoplasma in his brain, which means he has a parasite in his brain. It has effected his nervous system and he is off balance a lot and has a right arm that is atrophied and has a pee problem. He has remained in good spirits and functional for over 10 years. He is truly a star spirit and has shown me how to just keep going and lead with love. He shows me unconditional love every day and I change his pee pads for him each day because I also love him too.
3 years was not what I was originally thinking. I remember giving myself a year to knock this journey out and get it together. I had no idea this would extend into a lifetime commitment. I did know I had to sift through a bunch of life stuff ,but, I had no idea exactly how to do it or what it would feel like or look like or really what I needed to sift through to be honest. I had no idea that my life needed to break and I needed to have breakthroughs. I had no idea I needed to end certain relationships and start new relationships. I had no idea I would still have crappy days and not feel like anything had changed at all. I had no idea that I would still question myself and my decisions. I had no idea that I would talk to so many people that said they follow my blog. I had no idea I would find new joyful friends and endeavors that think the same way and like some of the same things. I had no idea I could feel such ease and joy and happiness. I had no idea sunshines and rainfalls looked and felt the way they do. I had no idea that coffee or tea in the morning was such a blissful feeling. I had no idea that everything is really not a big deal at all and everything is ok. I had no idea that I could just ignore everything and just be me and go about my day. I had no idea that I could find a way to eat broccoli every day and it doesn’t suck.
3 years is what it took to heal myself. I consider myself a true case of natural healing from cancer. My marker would be thermography. To date nothing has spread and that for me is a victory. I am going to guess that this will never be a way to see IF cancer still exists unless I do another biopsy or have surgery… for what? To prove to everyone that I don’t have cancer? Part of my journey has been to be me, make my own decisions, take in info and be an advocate for myself, do what feels best, believe in my self and my worthiness, trust my self, be ok with what I decide for myself because nobody else is living my life except me, and be ok with me and not let other peoples emotions and opinions and perceptions and beliefs influence what I feel is best for me. It took me a REALLY long time to even understand these ideas and concepts. I have embraced cancer as my friend and it has helped me heal myself. To some I may look like a fool and I am ok with that, better to feel a bit foolish than have death knocking on your door or live a life that does not feel good. To some I may look inspirational, I can’t quite digest that notion, but I am ok with that too if it helps others. To some I have played roulette with my life and I am TOTALLY ok with that one cuz I love challenges and have always been a risk taker. To be totally honest, If I live a long and happy life, then I feel I have done my job at being of service. Even if I die of cancer one day I will still feel that I had the best healing modalities in place. I will feel that I did my best and that I truly was able to not only enhance my life, but to drastically change around what was to what is and attained the abilities to understand myself to an extent that connected me deeply with myself and others in this lifetime. I believe I will pass out of this body and still exist in the energies that float amongst this world and life and I am so happy that I will be able to also connect with people lifetime after lifetime.
3 years has given me the gift of unconditional love and a life that has no rules or regulations and it FEELS SO AWESOME! Just imagine what 3 more years can do for me! So excited for 3 more years! So excited for 3 more years! So excited for 3 more years! THANK YOU 3 YEARS!!!! #watchmefly has been my motto and it has been a pleasure trying to fulfill that motto.
the journey continues....
thx for following and reading and caring-
I’ve been feeling lighter, kinda floaty feeling, sometimes even light-headed. I wondered if something was wrong. I have some appointments coming up and perhaps I am focused on what the outcome could be. I still feel myself straying a bit from new Tami thoughts and perceptions and beliefs and encountering thoughts of the old but then asking myself why am I going back to those ideas. I guess it’s a part of really growing into your own and standing up tall to what you are and what you beez! I see many pictures that represent growth and change and expansion. I still have to pump myself up each week in some capacity to keep going and keep expanding and keep myself enjoying the journey to the manifestations of what I really want and desire. I think I am feeling the “slow down” and “in the momentness” that was missing all these years. That is my only explanation on how I am FEELING these days.
Emotions and Feelings are new discoveries and new ways of being and experiencing life for me. If you are just catching up with my #cancerjourney then please note that the mind-body-soul connection was a real struggle for me all these years and contributed to my poor health. This has been the bulk of my transformation and self healing. I am winds beyond where I was and winds just out there floating around now. It’s amazing how time, choices, retraining the brain, and directing your energies can make such a huge impact on ones life. On my worst days I find myself meditating and sleeping more. On my best days I have the best interactions with people and displays of who I really am from the inside out. I can walk outside and sometimes almost feel levitational and just more or less a spec on this earth floating around. I can be on stage and feel like a beam of light that is just bouncing around enjoying the atmosphere. I can be at home and feel comforted and sometimes alone and yet feel all encompassed by the universe. I grab my angel coin and remember that the universe got my back. I remember that we are all connected and part of the same energy source and realize I am in the comforts of a home I bought and essentially built for myself based on what I need and want to keep me expanding in this lifetime. I remember that this is my reality and I can create whatever I want.
I have always enjoyed being outside BUT this is more like I just enjoy seeing mother nature and it’s beauty. I feel appreciative, grateful, in awe, like a tiny spec, at ease, love, and special all in the same moment. I travel through each day wondering what I will encounter. I think about what I want and what feels good and hope that I am vibrating that same notion and hope that is what I am attracting and vibrating all in the same note. When I encounter certain moments before I meet with a person at the gym or have to be on stage I find myself visualizing and asking and dreaming and creating a fast forward moment that feels good and will be positive and light bearing and easy and free. I hear myself saying the best words and the best pitch and energy that encapsulates what I think is best in that moment in time. THEN I think in that moment right before it’s “to happen” that the universe got my back and everything is okay and whatever happens is ok and is meant to be for now. I actually can see the situation ahead of time and to date if I am having an extra connected day it actually turns out to be what I projected ahead of time. It’s amazing. I think this is part of law of attraction and HOW we can create our own life. I might be getting to whacky for some, but this is what is going on these days OR I am just going crazy. Not sure. I guess both options are possibilities. Either way, if I am crazy, I like being crazy more than what life was before cancer. Thanks Life. Thanks Universe. Thanks Source. Thanks Friends. Thanks Family. Thanks Mother Nature. Thanks to who I have the possibility and capability of being.
Thx for listening and Thx for caring.
My hopes is you can envision yourself asking these same questions to yourself. It took me a while to really get these questions and to really see them and feel them and believe them and trust them and not stray. My quest in self-healing started years ago and I was entrusting only in words to “get it”. I lived life by reading positive quotes and self-help books and yes they were helpful in re-training my brain and planted positive seeds for myself BUT really putting yourself out there in “life” and participating and interacting and experiencing and feeling your way around, the PRESENT MOMENTNESS in every capacity, the rise the fall and in between moments, the goodness, the contrast, the journey of the manifestation, the laughter and joy, making yourself vulnerable, and everything else in between is REALLY what I am discovering helps lead us to bliss. When you can embrace the dark and realize it is NOT a bad thing BUT is something that contributes to helping build the best versions of ourselves and complete happiness and helps us fulfill all our desires. By dark I mean contrast in life, negative thoughts or habits, sad times in life, depression, poor health, anything basically that does NOT feel good. It can be short snippets of dark or longer periods of dark. It’s there to help us get ALL THE WAY UP. :)
My basic barometer in getting ALL THE WAY UP is shooting for the GOOD feeling at every moment in time. Yes some may think selfish, but that is perception, your own personal reality and NOT what soul/spirit is thinking about it. We are all soul/spirit and connected and all part of each other and when one is ALL THE WAY UP everyone else around them can also have that potential to BE ALL THE WAY UP too! When you feel good you are connected to soul/spirit and you are living the truest version of life. When you feel NOT good you are likely encountering ego action and reaction and getting sucked into thought that does not benefit you that has been looming around like the grim reaper forever and ever and it just won’t go away. Time to meditate and reel it in and get connected again people. :) It IS doable and it IS possible and life has so many possibilities that WHY would we not try to get and stay connected. May I remind you I am speaking from experience, not from something I read, and I totally realize that life kicks in now and then and all craziness enters our heads and this all goes out the door. IT’s that point in time that you should feel so FUCKING AWESOME when you realize it and realize what is happening and feel so blessed that you now know how to manage yourself back into the bliss that we all came here for… really. You then have experienced the ALL THE WAY UPness I am writing about.
thx for caring and sharing and loving
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.Read Now
My best friend was a guitar player and is a great musician. I am an entertainer and have not fully embraced musicianship. I love and loved my friend. He has and had many great qualities and we often could smile and understand a feeling or thought perhaps we had about a person or situation. We were together for many years and I love and loved him so. He was my love. This was a chapter in my life. A long chapter. We are human and often had times not fully understanding each other. We are souls to the core of course and I believe we loved each other so and did the best we could and this chapter was just meant to end. Relationships can be confusing and when we are in transitional states I think it is even more confusing. My confusion was not being clear about myself. Letting go seemed impossible.
My letting go process also involved people from my past that brought much pain and it is not meant for me to think about this anymore in this lifetime. Holding onto guilt, shame, and fear can feel very stoic and a bit grave. I chose to hold on to this for years. Thankfully, the more we expand ourselves we can do good and be good and feel good. I believe. A shitload of meditation, self-work, conscious living, living in the moment, and leading with love all the time started a snow ball effect of positivity. The grim reapers slowly dissipated and are essentially erased from my mind. Reiki and Shamans and Therapists and some recordings of Abraham Hicks about the law of attraction also did wonders! Thx!
Saying and mottos keep me even-keeled , and this is one....
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.
In a frenzy state of mind this seems like a dream thought , I was this for many years. In a state of clarity, it seems totally logical. In a state of clarity you can just chill and let go and let things be. You will surprise your self on how you feel and start to navigate through life. Those clingy and needy affection reactions seem to dissipate and you seek love and affection from yourself WITHIN which is even more rewarding and long lasting. You can not attract love from another until you truly accept and love yourself. I know this seems simple and we have said it forever. If you REALLY explore your self and what YOU really are then I think life will feel really good. I am a fine example. I may not have my life and love from the past but the past is not reality and NOW is what matters. I love my life, all my friends and family and acquaintances and look forward to our intertwining ways from this moment on… thank you for being in my life.
Painful relationships from a young age seemed hard to conquer. I think you become accustomed to how you feel and it ends up being the norm. You don't know any better and don't know how to make it better when you realize something doesn't feel good or right for you. You mature in a way that is dysfunctional and that is the norm. I suppose that is why we have therapists. In my case , Cancer, to help turn things around. Along with all the protocols and things I have done over the past 3 years, THIS is a big part of my healing and that is why I am sharing. These self-inflicted stresses of not knowing how to do any better were confusing but I guess that is what pushes us towards what we want to be and how he want to feel. Contrast is a part of life and I am thankful for contrast.
Nowadays, life seems more complete, more feel good, easier, peaceful, and overall joyful. I think our humanness trips us up on how to exist and we hold on to egotistical ways. I have been sad, hurt and confused. I was another person. I was a soul that also continued and continues to love no matter what. Love is now top priority. I didn't know loving myself was priority and did not understand how to truly love myself first. I believe leading with love is also what leads us to serenity and a life that is good for each individual. Letting go a love of any capacity feels hard and terse and torturous. I have learned to let go in a more peaceful manner and move towards what feels good. It was hard to say goodbye. Goodbye my love. Goodbye my loves. Goodbye my past. Goodbye.
For all that have been following my cancer journey...
To date this letting go process and loving myself have been difficult and scary for me to share. It has been many layers I peeled back so I could understand myself better and start being compassionate towards myself and forgive. I feel like I turned into Tami the Explorer. I did not know that I have complete power over myself and that letting go could create such a sense of freedom. We are all human, we are all souls, we all have minds and egos and emotions and I believe in my heart that sharing all parts of my journey will be helpful in some capacity. There are no hidden agendas or messages, just truth about my own person.
Thanks for following and caring about my journey. You are all in my thoughts. I am thankful to have family and friends and professionals to help mend my humanness. I truly am finally in love with life and have a clear vision of myself and what I mean to this world. I believe everything is always working out for all of us. I know we are ok. I have much love in my heart.
I now realize that my contemplations in life, my “not taking sides” , my non-reactions, my lack of verbal or physical expression, my silences, my expressions of "seeing all sides”, are reflections of how I have lived my life independent of the perceptions and beliefs of most people and these are ways in which I was able to hold on to some sense of who I am throughout the years. These ways of mine were also used as a protective barrier from all that is out there that seems to coerse us in certain directions or ways and deviate us from where we really want to be.
Instead of beating myself up or stressing myself out on “what was”, “what I said”, “what I did”, “what I was”, “what they did”, “what they said”, “how I was treated”, etc, I focus on what I am and what I have been all along. What “I am” is now being released in a more prevalent manner and is easier for some to see and feel and receive, i think. :) Our minds and our ego's are like friends that we need to manage. I have heard that the human race is prone to think negative. If this is true, we got some big time management to do so our brains can think more positive. Collectively, if we all think about the messages we are sending when we act, react, put things in motion, or put things out there in the universe, then maybe together we can all start to help everyone feel and act their best. Just an idea. Food for thought. We stress ourselves out because of our thoughts and then react to our own realities. Everyone has a different reality. This is sure to be extra confusing to people and this mixed with lack of communication is a recipe for disaster. BUT! The good news is we can use this contrast! Contrast happens so we can be pushed towards where we really want to be. So we can choose to keep the negative ball rolling or stop and reverse it to the positive side and start rolling the other way. Then poof! Stress be gone!
I have also learned we all bring stress to ourselves. It's really true. I didn't think it was at first. I thought things, people, and situations were stressing me out. Then I realized once I started transforming my own personal self a lot of this "stress" evaporated. We process and internalize in our own ways and often that leads to getting sucked into what we think other people think about us. We start to define ourselves based on all the chit chatter we pick up from the years from everything. If we are not yet strong in our "self" we develop unhealthy ways to cope. I think I have always had a strong urge to “be heard” and an instinct to “prove myself” and now I think i used them in really unhealthy ways “to be”. They were reactions to all the beliefs and perceptions I had about myself that had stacked up over the years. I know that not feeling love and not loving myself was the root cause of this human “disease”. I have my own theories and thoughts about “how I got this way” and it really encapsulates the time before we were born, mom and dad's own thoughts-perceptions-beliefs, what was passed on since conception, the years of other peoples thoughts-perceptions-beliefs and our environments marinated in our brains. All “the life happenings” we experience, and all the physical and environmental things we encounter along the way in this thing called life that is different for every human being. They all get marinated in our bodies and brains and then we have to gradually choose some bits and pieces based on what is really best for us and what feels good for us and move forward. Sometimes it just takes 1 person to break the cycles and start spreading the love. I think the moment we gain full strength and peace and confidence and worth within ourselves, the world around us changes and adapts.
We are all different but all the same in one breath. We are all connected but all have our own journeys. We all shine, can shine, and I believe shine best together. When we are sad, hurt, depressed, confused, angry, jealous, feeling unbalanced or unsure, and start to act in ways that don’t feel good I take time to think of all these thoughts and just want it all to make more sense in my head.I want to be in tune enough to say something that can make everyone feel good and come to their deep connection with soul and just be love. I realize I can’t change things and can't control things and all I can do is be the love that I can be at each moment in time. That allows me to shine and also gives others the capacity to shine as well.
This is what I know and believe to date. This is what I have learned. I don't know if it is the best way but it seems to be working. At times I get distracted and feel pulled in directions but am able to maintain these ideas in my self. I love my friends, my family, the human race, the animals, and all the souls, and just want this life to feel good for everyone. My hope is we all move towards these notions in this lifetime. This is what cancer has taught me to date.
Peace and love.
Meaning where you at in life? What’s going on with you? How are you seeing things? What’s your perspective? What do you believe about yourself and others and life and the world? How do you fill your days and nights? Do you wake up and start the day negatively or positively? Do you create or react to your days? I think the human I love so much that answers these questions so explicitly in my brain, will be the next man in my life. It’s no longer love connection questions but really soul depth questions and finding out how deep another really is and how connected to soul they are and what they believe about people, themselves, and the world. Wooooow! THAT was OLD sounding but I will take it as OLD SOUL sound healing. It’s nice to see my sassy side reappear, But in a way that is much gentler to my soul. Sassy Tami has always been here and believe it or not she has been transforming and expanding too. SHE is still HERE and you know SHE is my LOVE who will remain FUN and the PARTY girl that I have grown to know and love. Loving your SELF means loving everything about you. The past, present , and future, the decisions, the reactions, the ways of being, the attitudes, the sassy sayings and thoughtful ways ALL encompass WHO you are and WHAT you embody as a human to get to where you want to be.
Nowadays, the Monday morning and every morning ritual is no longer what should I be, I need to be more successful, I need to make more money, I need to do more for others, I need to , I need to , I need to, everything a yucky feeling inside. INSTEAD, it’s how can I start my day off great and create the best feeling day ever! Often, I wake up 1 hr earlier than I need to start my actual schedule of a day , I meditate, listen to some affirmations or positive thinking videos, hang out with the cat, drink my 3 glasses of water, shower, put on my body oils, brush my hair , then check my email before leaving the door. Its’ a pretty good AM shift every day. Day by day and week by week my brain shifts more quickly into positive mode and what I am appreciative of rather than what was wrong and feeling not so good. My cancer journey lit a fire under my ass to figure out how the hell to feel better each day and you know what? I did it! That letting go process proved to be tough but well worth it.
It also came down to relationships AND letting which go has been the hardest task for me this lifetime to date. It has always been hard for me to look at a situation and say out loud and admit to myself that it just was not the best feeling for me. Especially when other people are involved and I love them. My communication skills have slowly improved and hopefully the future holds soul to soul compassionate conversations that are loving and involved around doing what is best for the self and all parties involved. My non-confrontational attitude seemed to hinder me and really did not protect me from what was best. Now I know. Thx 45 years of relationship stuff. Glad to know the 2nd half will be more easy peasy. Taking things personal and being non-reactive proved to be very detrimental and not what was best.
Negative thoughts about myself gathered from people, places, situations, things, environments seemed to also be vibrating and causing much angst for myself. Glad it’s over. Figured it out. On to the next thing. Tami really is kinda pretty and smart and fun and adventurous and playful and ambitious and creative. I think I kinda like her and I am hopeful most see the new shine in my stride. That old vibration is kicked to the side and has delayed years of happy, BUT maybe I needed it to grow fully into who I am now becoming. So excited for the future and what it holds and what I choose to do with it! My vibrations are getting higher and I am including every day “time” to really connect with myself and vibrate to the highest level so I have the best version of me to give away then refuel for the next day.
As the days and weeks and months and years go by, my personal self-healing, self-expansion, and transformation has hit a climax! You know when you are in “the middle of going through something” and you just don’t see it clearly, you are merely re-acting? I WAS re-acting for years instead of claiming a life full of goodness and creativity and fun. I was hung up on who I thought I should be, what i thought i should be doing, making things perfect, and holding onto ideas that did not match who I was on the inside. I created a lot of stress and inner turmoil for myself, but I didn’t know any better. That is what I was taught and what marinated into my brain over the years. Today I am “past the chaos” and the issues at hand and have a much different view and vision and perception and reality of what was and what is. I am so thankful for sticking out my cancer healing process and continue to work at myself daily so I don’t fall back to what once was. My decision to heal naturally was THE BEST DECISION I ever made and it was needed in order for me to move myself to such a place of clarity, freedom, ease and happiness and state of pure love. I am feeling SO different on the inside and it is starting to reflect on the outside. My outlook is how to spend my energy on the future and how I want to build the 2nd half of my life. I lean into the good feeling things each day and have successfully been retraining my brain and my perception of life in general.
The ONE true magical key to my journey has been LOVE. It might sound so basic and obvious and perhaps cheesy, but, I think we learn all the definitions of love as we grow up and then we have to finally start making our own decisions on what that embodies for us as individuals. Love feels good, not like a struggle or control or people pleasing or being a martyr or not expressing your true self without feeling guilt or shame . When you are lacking love you are not in alignment with your self which is your soul/spirit which always leads with love. Each day I am learning daily how to love better, be love, receive love, and attract love. It is so true that where you are in life is what you vibrate and THAT is ultimately what you attract into your life. I was continually in a state of fear and that was driving my life into a state of chaos and unhappiness. New definitions of love and realizing love has gradually moved my life in a different direction. The tool of LOVE is magical and life changing. LOVE is in every aspect of our life… most importantly our relationship with ourself. Learning to really love myself and everything about myself and accept where I am has made all the difference. Sounds so easy but for many layers of reasons and life stuff it was hard for me to understand and lead with love. OR I just had the wrong perceptions and definitions and it really messed stuff up! Lack of love delayed all the goodness that continues to come my way nowadays. I did not know how to open up and receive and be and give love easily. I essentially was in my own way. Well at least I am starting to feel it and figure it out and apply! So happy! Now love feels good!
As I coach clients and talk to people about health and being the best versions of ourself, this always come up! I know I am not alone and can now find ways to express and communicate the ideas behind self love and how to start chipping away at really loving ourself and others. I guess it’s a state of being that society is experiencing and we all just need a little nudge and guidance and support and love to move more towards complete love at every moment in time. It makes all the difference and it feels really fricking good! Why do we beat ourselves up and critique ourself endlessly and how do we learn to do all this bogus stuff to ourself? I know some of the answers and also know part of the key is just to focus forward and not dwell and go back to the past too long cuz the past is the past and its not reality. We are the creators of our life and love is the leading force that can help us live happily. So the next time you wanna bitch and moan about what is going on or the weather or what happened yesterday or who did what to you, remember this is not love and not helping you be happy and full of love. I am not saying be fake and cheery and happy when you don’t feel like it, I am saying think about what you bring to the table each and every moment and how that can make a difference when you lead with love. Surround your self with love and let LOVE be in the air at all times, then you will always be love! If it’s not in the air, get away quickly and go to where love is! Just my 2cents on love here and now! Thanks for reading and listening.
I am finding great joy in traveling, new experiences, connecting with family and friends, and just chatting with people. It’s strange, I feel like I am getting a re-do for my life and I am in the exploring stage on where to go, what to do, how to be, and just live in the moment. I find myself observing most the time and have found great joy in observing my friends and family. I like to people watch but this is more like tagging along with some of your favorite people in different experiences. I enjoy to see them happy and laughing and smiling. I enjoy seeing them interact with one another and I am learning that life is just about diving in or dipping your toes in the water or simply put just “get all up in it” whatever experience it might be. I am admittedly socially awkward at times and feel uncomfortable in many situations but I am pushing through and excited to get to the next chapter of life. So In the meantime I will be soaking up the sunshine this summer in chi-town awaiting to see what the fall season might bring this way.
It will be on to the next one, then on to the next one, then on to the next one, experiencing life, moving on , moving forward, and letting all my desires unfold before my eyes. It will be expansion and growth and learning my "self" better so I know how to keep the positive outlook and the feel good stuff in tact. I feel kinda like a newborn and kinda infantile at times right now. It is humbling and vulnerable and a bit uncomfortable at times but well worth the journey. I value my friends and family and look forward to the new people that might vibrate right into my life based on the new me! I am excited to continue this journey and feel lucky that I am still here and present and functioning and smiling and vibrant. So I definitely recommend for everyone to " get all up in it ". Enjoy rather than worry, laugh instead of being critical, smile instead of having grumpy thoughts, move around and enjoy being in your body, be still and feel the high of being connected with soul, and love everybody no matter what. These actions have truly enhanced my life. Being one means being with everyone else because we all come from the same and are the same and breathe the same. Being one means letting yourself stay connected with everybody and everything. Being one means getting all up in it no matter what!
Thx for reading! xo Tami
Some may say it’s impossible. Some may say be realistic Tami. Some may say you are crazy. Some may shut you down with opposing comments and ideas. Some may talk abruptly and react out of fear in response to you. Some may say you are completely wrong. Some may say get a plan B and C and D. Some may say you are taking too big of a risk. Some may say you are reckless. Some may join your happy train. Some may smile and laugh with you then move on. Some may feel you and resonate with all that you are. Some may not even know of you or any of your ideas. None of it matters. All that matters is that you resonate with you and you believe in your self and feel worthy of this life.
What matters is that you feel good and lean into all the feel good things of life. We are here in our bodies for a limited time and we are here to create a life that is fun and feels good. We are all connected and are all equal. We have different ideals and different thoughts and different perceptions and different ways to do things. BUT we can still all get along and maintain awesome lives. There is no time for hate and no time for resentment and no time for blame and guilt and no time for taking sides and no time to live by rules and regulations and conditions or to be angry with anyone.
We have to let go of our past, live in the present, and bask in the desires for our future. We have to get creative and brave and try anything and everything. We need to be number one with ourselves and sometimes number one when people need us as a means to help keep lifting all our souls to bliss. We have the right to be happy and not struggle for what we desire. We have the means to be happy and let go of the reigns and let be what will be and trust in the laws of the universe. We have the courage and passion to push ourselves to the leading edge. The edge of more and abundance and prosperity and goodness and happiness and bliss and wonder and awe and even more desire.
We are on the edge of greatness and this is a good time to be alive. This is a time of contrast and expansion and change and creation. We all as individuals have the power to be and feel greatness. We have done nothing wrong and we are all on our own paths and everything is working out as it should and everything is ok! So let’s all continue to push ourselves and others to the leading edge…
Under the Influence… was the catch phrase at the seminar I attended this weekend. Meaning… what is your mind and body under the influence of at every moment in time. For me this is pretty impactful and makes total sense on my self-healing journey. It explains many things that I was thinking but did not fully understand it’s connection. I give you an example… you watch reality TV… you go to bed and see what you dream or have nightmares about and how you feel when you wake up the next morning. Another example… you meditate or listen to affirmations before you go to bed and see what kind of dreams you have… wake up the next morning and see how you feel different?! Another example… you go to a family party and socialize and feel connected and loved and supported and fulfilled… see how you feel later that day. And another example… you stay at home dwelling about what you were mad about earlier that day… see how everything spirals into mishaps and undesirable things and circumstances and the car in your way and your lateness to your next appointment and your stressed out feeling and your anxiety. Or a more inner-look at your self Example could be… you drink excessively one night and wake up the next morning feeling depressed OR you partied and had a couple drinks and spent most of the time getting to know about people better and you woke up feeling great and refreshed and fulfilled. Another inner-look Example could be… you had an argument with a special someone and you feel bad about it and never talk about it again…. Or you had an argument with a special someone and end up talking it out in a more reasonable manner and feel good about everything again.
Perhaps it doesn’t make too much sense and perhaps I am not saying it in a way that resonates with you yet. I think the main thought is behind what feels good and what feels bad and going with what feels good majority of the time. Basically giving a shit about your feelings and trying to lean into what feels good and push your self to get there with yourself. If that involves apologizing or talking things out or removing yourself from a certain environment or changing jobs or adjusting your own beliefs and perceptions… why not do it? A little shift in the way you maneuver yourself through life could be the exact game changer you need to be that much happier or to get yourself out of what feels not so good. It almost always goes back to YOU and how YOU choose to handle YOU. It rarely and almost NEVER is about the other person, place, or thing. You have lived how many years? That means those years of life have marinated into your brain and body BUT your soul is REALLY looking out for you and looking at everything with love and THAT is the real YOU! We are under the influence at all times and if we put ourselves under the influence of our soul which is pure positive energy life changes. It is easier. It is more fulfilling. It is happy. There is something to be said about being disconnected or connected from yourself. Even as I type this my mouse battery keeps going out and says “connection lost”. A purrfect example of what happens to us in general. We get disconnected or “out of alignment” from our soul and life doesn’t feel good. We have connection and are in alignment and we feel good. The question is how to be connected and stay in alignment….
I don’t have a magic pill answer But I do know that the combination of meditation, letting go of past, letting go of past beliefs and perceptions, starting each day with positive words or positive thoughts and ideas, going with the flow and creating a great day rather than reacting to everything, seeing the good in people rather than dislikes or mistakes, talking to people in general rather than texting or emailing, trying anything that is new, approaching situations with love, and taking time to enjoy the day and myself and some company, all together have made a world of difference. I am now under the influence of love and it feels really great. I am connected and turned on. Life is good. Life is about being a creator. Life is expanding.
Under the influence of love at all times doesn’t not eliminate contrast. The contrast that still exists is there for a reason and I have accepted that because it is what pushes us to what we really desire and what feels good. It is a part of life. I like to educate and learn and listen and it has been a big part of my “under the influence” BUT I am also learning that is part of the PAST and that is also what letting go encapsulates. So to focus on the past is to be under the influence of the past and is not reality because we are in the here and now. We CAN now be under the influence of a new day and a new thought or we can CHOOSE to go back to yesterday. I choose today and right now. I choose to be under the influence of my right now, not the past.
We can also be under the influence of what others think. If I choose to care about what others think about me or what I think they think about me then I am not living authentically. I am not being my true self and expressing or creating in the ways that feel good. This subject was a bit tricky for me to grasp and I am still working out the kinks BUT it is very true. Remember letting go? Well this is a part of it. Think about what you have been taught, what your parents said, what teachers told you, how the loves of your life impacted your thoughts about yourself, how people in general have words that get stuck in our brains and then we dictate our selves based on these ideas? When does just thinking for ourselves come in to play? Why do we hang on to words people say? In fact, when reading this right now I challenge you to just take it in THEN come up with your own ideas on how it is applicable to you and take from it what could potentially feel good on you. You know yourself best and what is good for you might not be good for me. So you decide. Be your own best friend and an advocate for yourself.
Also as I write this my cat is incessantly pawing at me and running around the house and trying to get my attention. He does this often . I think he is my lesson in depending on another person for love and attention. Under the influence of “dependency” leads to not believing in yourself and it is NOT very helpful. In fact it also causes resentment because that other person is eventually gonna do something that displeases you. Looking to a person for love and approval can be a dangerous route unless you already love your self immensely and are not depending on them to bring you up, you are simply enjoying their love. Notes taken. I believe it is the greatest gift to get “right” with your self and love your self first and foremost so you THEN have “good stuff” to give other people. Aha! Notes taken again. You mean be happy with your self and love your self first then you might attract others who also do the same thing? Yes! Good stuff. Looking for love in all the wrong places was a familiar song that rang through my brain BUT I finally get it.. love your self first then you won’t even be singing this song. This does not mean to scrap all the people in your life it means that even person is doing the best they can at every moment in time. It means that this is all part of the journey. The journey to be under the influence of your self in love with yourself. How conceited and selfish is that? But it’s ok. You MUST! If you don’t love your self then nobody else truly can love you either because you are not being your true authentic self. So let’s stay connected and under the influence of love, which is SELF, which is SOUL, which is SPIRIT, which is GOD, which is Pure Positive Energy, which is Source, whatever you call it, it’s all the same. We are all one, under the influence.
here are some of the things i have been "under the influence" of the past couple years! thanks to all! i love my life!
I have all kinds of visions of Love… I know it feels good, it feels comforting, it feels easy and breezy, it feels gentle and kind, it feels like sunshine on my face, it feels like my cat purring, it feels like a boost when you don’t feel so good, it feels like a smile on someones face, it feels like the smell of lilacs in the summer, it feels like holding someones hand you like, it feels like laughing with someone, it feels like looking in the eyes of someone and just feeling connected somehow -someway, it feels like listening to music and feeling strong emotion, it feels like admiring someone from afar, it feels like hugs and kisses as a greeting, it feels like glances at the ones you have a past-present-future with, it feels like hot soup in the winter, it feels like whispers from someone special, it feels like when you witness someone growing and expanding in life, it feels like peace and quiet is friendly and familiar, it feels like stillness, it feels like flow and motion, and it feels like your body and breathe is one moving simultaneously with another.
All the other stuff is just stuff of the ego and a reality we have created in our own minds. All our differences and feelings and contrast and beliefs and perceptions should be welcomed by each other. Every person is doing the best they can at every moment in time. If I were to die today I want to feel love to and between and from everything and everyone and within and from myself. I want open arms and welcome everyone and everything with open arms. I want to live a life full of love. That is what is important to me.
Is it possible to be in such alignment with the universe that life just flows? Is it possible to just let all be and let all go and exist in the now? YES! I am appreciative of the contrast in my life as it pushes me towards what I desire, how I want to be, and with whom and what makes my smile even bigger. Today is every day and Today I feel appreciation for the people that have and still are and will be part of my journey in life. This means everyone that I have, are and will mingle with in some capacity. Thank you for creating such a unique experience for me. The sun has been shining almost every day and I feel it’s warmth shining on my soul. I feel warm fuzzies in each moment. My eyes have shifted lenses and these are ALMOST as good as my BluBlockers!
Sometimes life unravels but somehow it then gets knitted up into fun “wearables”. Perhaps the cat plays with them and they get a little tangled and balled up but it doesn’t mean you throw away that hand made scarf or hat or slipper or blanket just cuz the cat got at it. You play with the cat, put lotion on your feet and put the slippers on cuz they feel good, bundle up when you go outside with your hat and scarf, and hang out on the couch and do nothing under your warm cozy blanket. They are all still functional and they are all probably the coziest and happiest items you own. They have character and purpose and have been created just for you!
It’s crazy how in a split moment we can change focus and change emotion and change perspective and change life in every moment. Did I lose you? Check out the next time you have a not so good feeling and see if you can immediately change focus and turn your thoughts on to something that feels good and give that momentum rather than what was originally coming down the pipeline. Try sending out love vibes instead of negative vibes and see how that resonates in the space you are currently in at the moment. Stop yourself in the middle of any negative contrast and put your thoughts on something that is good in your life and let that be your flow of the moment. You will eventually train your brain to get “to the new place” rather than let the old creepers back in to your moment. You have complete control over where you allow your body and mind to go and sometimes we forget that we are in charge of ourselves.
My new daily outlook to keep moving forward might read something like this… I am living my happiest moments and everything is ok. I accept contrast because I know it is needed to receive some of my desires. I appreciate the oneness that exists and am so thankful I am part of today. I bask in all the minute to minute moments. I am a creative soul, in progress, in this body, and am guiding my self to happy feelings. The universe returns my vibrations with happy people, happy times, happy moments, and happy experiences. I love being loved. I love feeling good about myself. I love being outside and being adventurous. I love learning and experiencing new things. I love music and dance and theater and arts and photos and paintings and everything creative! I love to see creative people and their creative life. I love to people watch and observe the now. I love the feeling of taking care of myself mentally and emotionally and spiritually and physically. I love being with my family and friends. I love meeting new people. I LOVE being around people and places that are opposite of me. I LOVE feeling the hustle and bustle of the city. I LOVE feeling the peace and serenity of the west coast beach life. I LOVE waking up to meditation and brushing the cat and lemon water and the lavender diffuser. I LOVE falling asleep after a hot shower, tea, and meditation music. I LOVE catching up with old friends with whom we never seem to have parted. I LOVE being an entertainer on stage. I LOVE sharing. I love giving. I love receiving. I love the touch of another persons skin. I love to see smiles and laughter. I love when I can laugh at myself. I love color. I love today and today is what counts.
You can shine bright every day. You can be positivity for yourself and other people every day. You can just be you and that shines bright enough to help somebody get by. You never know what is going on with everyone around you. Someone might just be at their tipping point, out of light, then BAM, maybe your light hits them in the most poignant of times. Maybe you just practice being light so the next time you run out of light you are THERE for yourself. Indisputably there for yourself in a time of need that ends up being love and compassion and hope and trust and belief. Instead of doom and gloom we are able to pick up the pieces and use these bright lights to keep going. Instead of being alone we are now surrounded by love. Remember light shines every day. We don't have to remind light to shine. It just does every day. The natural part of us, source, is always connected to this light. YES sometimes the body and mind that we are in needs an extra light to shine so it can get back into alignment with the big light that shines every day.
Sometimes we don’t see or feel the light. No-one can push you into the light and force you to see or feel or enjoy the light. It just is and you have to be ready or go through contrast to understand what light is… yes, it is what it is, and you actually DO have the power to allow the light in and receive the goodness that it brings or you can choose to sit in the shade. I would say do what you want and act like I don’t care but in reality I want you to sit in the sunshine. Why not feel good for everyones sake? When you are not in the sunshine life does not feel good. If you don't feel good, THAT is what you are essentially giving to everyone else. This whole light thing is real. So if you are being anything but love and light, stop, please stop. For the sake of everyone, be love and be the light you are meant to be. Get out of the unhealthy ways and get your stuff together and be the light. Be the light in every situation and circumstance. Not the martyr, but the light. You are not a helper but you are a giver and a receiver. You don't have to go through struggle and pain and tough times to be where you want and with whom you want. You just need to take care of YOU first, then be the light. The light is what you were meant to be. Being the light is the only way to give to others.
Perhaps you are the light but it feels dimmed... perhaps the light is not shining as bright as you hoped... perhaps you start to feel not good about being the light... it's ok.. get quiet and keep going. Meditate if you have to. You CAN be the light from far away. It's always best to be the light because anything else feels not so good. Your true test of alignment is shining the light at every moment even in the times of distrust and hurt. Perhaps you are in a situation or around people or a person that feels not so good. Perhaps this means you still have expansion in the horizon and so do they... contrast is our friend and it always means something is better on the horizon.
I know it might seem hard, but continue to be the light. You can be the light no matter what. It's your choice.
1.) The best feeling and gift I think would be the gift of Freedom. Free to be yourself and Free to live life the way you enjoy best. It is so interesting that we declare freedom yet many of us stay locked up. Locked up in our own minds. Locked up in our own rules and regulations and also abiding by other people's rules and regulations. We live conditionally and by who's standards? who's opinions? and who's perceptions? Who has declared us the judge of ourselves and others? We have. We seek truth YET live our own reality bound up in what some could say our own shackles? We created THIS no one "did this to us". THIS is wonderful. If you are thinking no everything is not all rosy Tami then my answer would be... remember life has contrast to push us towards what we really desire. I see and believe there are so many beautiful things about life, and people, and society, and humanity. This is a great time to be alive and see all that exists so let's enjoy it while we can. When will you ever get the opportunity again to smell flowers, see magnificent artistry, hear fabulous sounds, taste yummy food, touch another persons skin, and feel the sensation of love and passion and desire? I just want to be a sponge and sop up everything around me. I feel like a maniac of life experiences and adventure.
2.) Yes there is propaganda on TV, in Magazines, in Books, in Videos, in Music, etc, BUT we choose to believe what we want and live the way we want. We have already been given the gift of Freedom and some choose not to accept this gift. Life can be fulfilling and prosperous and full of love. It's all how YOU view life. Sure, contrast remains in life BUT that is what we need to push ourselves in the directions we want to go. If there was no contrast then there would be no growth or expansion. Everything is ok and is always working out for us. So it's your choice.. see the good or see the bad.... talk negatively or talk positively... be a re-actor or be a creator... be a follower or be a leader. Point is , there are choices and if you choose the not so good feeling options all the time you will create momentum and life will ALWAYS not feel good. And just as this can be reality, we can also choose the good feeling options all the time and create this momentum so life will will always feel good. So brainwash yourself into happiness. See the good and be the good and see how life changes. Listen to the Internal and let the external come and go. Experience the external but don't hold on to it like it's law or like life can't go on or like you are a victim. Let go of this propaganda and choose to believe the best about yourself and the best about humanity. Earth is NOT going anywhere. The stars and sun and nature is not going anywhere. The sun always rises and the sun always sets. ALWAYS. So why can't we trust in what is and just enjoy?
3.) We truly have the power to be what, where, and who we want no matter what. So why do we get fixed on "the wrongs" and "being right" and "other people's opinions" and "lies and deception" and "having a voice" and "getting attention" and "gossip" and "what we wear and what we drive and what title we have at work" and "what other people think of us" when all we have to do is love ourselves and none of that would really matter. I suppose it could be conversational and another reality tv show but I would rather focus on sunshine and flowers and love.
My newest glimpses at each moment and into the future have now escalated into pure bliss and ease and feel soft and caring and nurturing and bright. I have always lead by example and will continue. So I'm gonna keep my Blublockers on and see the world as a shiny place and see the good in people and see the good in me. To live the opposite would be living a life of rules and regulations and living conditionally. I choose freedom. So yes I am FREE at LAST. I hope you will join me.
thx for reading-
It’s the day before Easter and I have nothing to do? Are you serious? Making cookies and decorating eggs have never been my thing. Hanging a cross on my wall and saying Hail Mary’s and confessing have never been my thing. Dressing up and going to a Church have never been my thing. Saying prayers out loud and being in a synagogue have never been my thing. Kneeling before somebody or something has never been my thing. So what’s a girl to do? Sleep, Meditate, and see what comes out of my subconscious and moves me to the next.
So that’s exactly what I did. I laid in bed and listened to my Abraham Hicks and meditated for a couple hours this morning. Why not? I jogged outside and stopped at the playground to make up my own workout and then topped it off with taking 5 minutes to go on the swings! Ironically, as soon as I entered the playground the Sun came out! It had been a bit colder and windy when I was jogging but on my way home the playground was a great detour for the afternoon.
Now I find myself shopping at Whole Foods on a Saturday night. That’s a first! I picked up some easter lilies for mom and some ingredients for a new recipe “the colossal healthy candy bar”. (i will post a recipe only if it turns out good) My contribution and/or tithe for the easter brunch at mom’s house. My mom’s house has become “our church” the past 10 years. My mom is like the pastor and she keeps her church immaculate. While I was walking to the store I felt some thoughts coming on like “you don’t have any friends to hang with on a Saturday night?”. Then my brain immediately shifted to my Abraham Hicks mode… “this is awesome!”, “how will you fill your night and make it happy?”, “you have absolutely nothing to do and you can do whatever you want!”. I then entered Whole Foods and started strolling, the flowers were awesome so I bought some! I was surprised at how many people were actually shopping too! I walked aisle by aisle picking out my items and felt lucky to have and feel such freedom. It was a new experience for me
That brings me to Easter. Although I don’t follow any religious faith I have a belief in a "higher source” and a belief that we are all forms of energy and are all connected. I believe we have a chance at every moment to tap into our higher self and create the best life that we desire. I believe that our emotions can help us navigate more successfully to this connection. If it doesn’t feel good, put your thoughts on something immediately that does feel good so you can create that momentum and make all your wishes, desires, and dreams be seen by you and all! Needless to say I got pretty deep at Whole Foods, at least in my head. I am happy to have a place to go on Sunday and congregate with family and friends. I feel a sense of “rebirth” in my own right and feel the need to celebrate. I connect the fun Easter Bunny and Easter eggs to fertility and birth and starting a new. I connect Jesus and resurrection to seeing those powers in myself. I see family time as a means to keep myself grounded and connected while I am here on earth. So yes I’ll take a religious holiday! In fact, I want to celebrate all holidays. Why not? There is always a time to party and say grace, and receive gifts, and give gifts, and love and cherish these moments and people in time. Why not?
It feels good to connect and be with people that love you. It feels good to see all the goodness. I find myself so excited about this personal “resurrection” and so tuned into the possibilities and the beautiful people that surround me, and the fun atmospheres that help make each day joyful. I have soooo many desires and look forward to fulfilling many of them and look forward to all the people , places, and things that are and currently will be in my life or pass through my life. Thank you in advance.
They said be in the moment, do nothing, let go, quiet your mind. They said focus on your emotions and use them to guide you. They said reach for the good feeling stuff. They said this was the way to total health and happiness and abundance.
So this is what I have come up with so far.....
Thanks for taking this self- healing journey with me. It has been a miraculous 30 months since my breast cancer diagnosis.
I am feeling good and looking forward to each day living more in the moment. I continue to learn and expand into the best version of myself while I am physically here. I will be sharing what I have learned and experienced through health coaching, speaking and new music! I am excited for opportunities to connect with even more like minded people. For the rest of my journey I will be focusing on my current state of being and less reflection of the past. I want to leave the past in my shadow and let it subside gradually over time. It's time to really let go and realize all of these 45 years have been part of the journey and I am doing just fine. So thanks past, welcome future, and hello! right now!
I don't even know where to start except by saying I am in a place of peace and quiet and calm and zen and good vibration. I have a strong desire for sunshine and yellow and happy feelings. I drive around Chicago getting my matcha green tea almond milk late with double matcha scoops at whole foods EVERY DAY and I feel a sense of complete bliss when i take that first sip. I walk into Depaul University and greet my students with a smile and laugh and they smile and laugh back when swear words chant from the rap songs during our workout so we all laugh when lil wayne says the word pussy or bitch or hoe or dj girltalk plays how the girls drop it low and shake that ass... it's pretty comical actually. No one is offended and we just go about our day.
I have been to 2 funerals and have been consistently around people with cancer, heart disease, and strokes this past month and ya know what... it is still ok. I am still ok. I cannot believe that in the blink of an eye I can be knee deep in sadness and then I can shift my mood to OKness. I ride to my band shows on the weekend and have my whole process of "getting right" with myself before I even enter the venue. I have lots of chats with myself and ya know what... I am pretty conversational and loving.
I am most proud that I have had the patience to "grow my eyebrows" back. Peep them in this pic to the left. I am not bragging, I just cannot believe that I got wrapped up into tweezing and waxing them for the past 25 years and they got really really short and I was getting a bit self-conscious about them. I had a lady tell me to get them tattooed on so they were not so short.... SOOOOOO glad I did not listen to her... AND I cannot even believe that I contemplated doing that!!! Just another example of letting be what it is naturally and believing that all is ok and going just fabulously. Meanwhile I am saving $20 on eyebrow waxes.
The main point here is that I have had many good feelings and LESS bad feelings and it has been wonderful. It is just proof that what I have been doing is WORKING! This whole emotional journey has been a doozy but it is pretty fascinating to see the laws of the universe and the laws of attraction at work. The idea of going towards the happy feelings and not putting energy and thought towards what does not feel too good has been working tremendously. Before I was over-focusing on what was not working and thinking I had to fix, do better, be better, learn, grow and change to get things done and get things in a better place. I was TOTALLY wrong. I could not have been MORE wrong. I know it seems like if something is not good you want to figure out how to fix it right? EHHHHH! (loud annoying buzzer sound effect) Turns out you need to deflect yourself from the situation and turn it on something that is going well and eventually the other will work itself out. Holy Cow! I really want to keep riding this wave to the best of my ability because it has helped me create a life that is much more enjoyable.
Ha ha! Gettin' my mojo back one day at a time. Just call me PRO- FESS- OR! :)
Thanks for reading.
These last couple years have been riddled with disease, death, expansion, transformation, and every emotion on the map for myself. As I have continued my cancer and "life" healing journey I understand things better for myself each day. I have been thinking about how we search externally many times to "feel good" and often get caught in the trap of what others say-do-think to help us feel accomplished or valid. Whether you have searched for a parents approval, a good grade at school, a smiling face to wear even if it is fake, a crowd cheering for you, a mate to bond with, a diet to get you on track, etc etc etc, these could all be external searches for health and happiness. I guess I should only speak for myself because I know everybody is different.
I have often searched externally because I didn't know any better. I knew these things were external, but did not know HOW to really connect with myself. I did not have the tools to really make the connection. Like a robot that has malfunctions, humans do too. This all started early in childhood and probably even before I was even conceived. The snowball effect took place and poof I found myself smack dab in the middle of cancer land. They say people with cancer carry some similar traits such as suppressing emotions, taking care of others before themselves, worry warts, negative or pessimistic, and live stressfully. Wow... i feel kinda stupid saying it all cuz it applies to me. I always thought I was positive and cried a lot, and had low stress, but as I dug through my life and really started to connect with myself I was not thinking very highly of my self. Hurts to say but it is the truth. I thought my self-esteem was in check. I thought I was healthy. I soon learned that I was internally leading myself to disease because of what I really believed about myself. I searched out and kept myself in situations that kept this internal negative momentum going. Perhaps on the outside this is not what people saw? I dunno. I had to roll back time and let go of all the beliefs and perceptions I had for myself based on me listening to the outside world. I am not blaming just accepting where I was at. I soaked up all the negative things and they permeated into cancer. No worries. In true Tami style I got out all my power tools and started to chip away at those negative nancy thoughts about myself.
2 years later I feel pretty damn good.
I understand mostly how I developed into this person and how I have transformed into another. I still see all the external things but have a different view and can appreciate- then move on- and let go- and be done. It's nice to have accomplishments, accolades, approval, validations, a new outfit, a new hairdo, new shoes, etc but they are just little nudges to keep us going in a positive direction. The true award is what we think of ourselves. Truly. Not just a list of good human traits, but do we really live our life and treat ourselves the most "feel good way " every moment, every time, every day, every week, every year. Why not? What we feel about ourselves is what we project and if we start with ourselves and are truly happy about and within our "self" we emulate those vibrations and give and attract the same. What have we created? My quest for true bliss, a grateful heart, and a positive mind is exciting and filled with lots of deliciousness. It is helping shape everything in my life and within myself and I am super excited to be able to remember my "self" in a very positive light. Even the the first 45 years.
Thought I would share this collage below of the snapshots i have taken the past few months. I am not a huge selfie taker so it might seem boring but it is representative of my current state of continuing to morph into the new me... rebuilding my confidence, buying a condo, remodeling, being patient and seeing the pieces come together, celebrating, practicing a good start to each and every day, making choices for myself based solely on what i like/want and feeling ok about it, trying to really enjoy the process, sending up another cat angel and appreciating the one who could stay for now, trying to maintain positive momentum, not let myself get too sad at times, cut myself off if my brain even entertains the idea of going down the negative thought path, and continuing the total health journey without falling off the bandwagon. Life is good. Life is turning into a new way. I am ok.
So I am waking up to this NEW view every day now. Feeling grateful. I can't believe how my life has dramatically shifted the past 2 years. A new view and a new perspective. Letting go of the past, living in the moment, and letting the future be the future is where I am at these days. It took many layers to peel back and understand or not understand and just let be. It took trusting myself and believing in myself. The more I become solid about ME, the better I feel. Being my own ADVOCATE has been eye opening and helped me expand to new horizons. I chose Cancer to help me jump over this hurdle and used it to push me through what I thought was a race. A race for my life? A race to get through and not go through the process with eyes wide open? Quite the opposite. That might have been my frame of mind when I started back in September of 2015, but nowadays I look back and see a girl who is no longer familiar. With my ego and mind in check, my soul is now in charge and it feels really good.
I have learned you can make cancer a battle and a struggle, OR you can make it a wake up call, OR use it to make changes in your life, OR use it as a building block to expand your SELF. I know I have the power to create and build my life as I choose. I have the power to surround myself with what and whomever I wish. I have the power to "self heal" by addressing all the facets of health. This goes way beyond fitness and food. It oozes into categories we don't often address or think of when it comes to health. What about stress? emotions? beliefs? life goals? social aspects? They are all included. At least on my gravy train they exist and contribute to being healthy. I could also take this a step further and talk about awareness, release, stress triggers, vitality, retraining the brain, looking at root-causes, finding life purpose, aligning beliefs and values, and educating yourself on the laws of the universe so you can flow even more gracefully through it all.
In the end, the middle and the beginning now, I know everything is ok.... really.
Ur the best and thx for taking time to read.
Just like farts that are silent but deadly, the same goes for our voices. I believe we were put on earth to connect and interact with each other. I believe that is how we can thrive instead of just survive. I have encountered many personal battles during my lifetime when it comes to “just speaking up”. I often wondered the road blocks when I was unable to speak at all. I wondered why can I not speak, as if someone grabbed my throat and I was unable to speak and was reacting in fear. I am sure there is a whole psychology on not speaking up. I am not saying we should all speak up and be activists and leaders such as Martin Luther King, BUT I am saying that we can always just say what is on our mind. I think the fear is… will I be “rejected” , what will “they think of me”, or are they “angry” at me now.
I think it also goes a step further because it involves the listener as well. A good listener takes in what he/she says without wanting to rebut right away because he/she thinks he/she is right. It’s not about being right, it’s about just listening and letting everyone be who they are at every moment in time. I actually considered myself an above average communicator and listener. I am not so sure that is true or was true. I have made great strides at really honing these skills the past 2 years and it has got me thinking… what else is involved in being a good communicator and listener? I have the technical side down, I even have the connecting to spirit side down, but for whatever reason I still get hung up on HOW the other person REACTS and what my perception is of that reaction. It has been a strong lesson on “you can only change yourself” and “you cannot change others” and “everything is ok”, and “everyone is doing the best they can at every moment in time”. I have really embraced these philosophies and am slowly trying to re-emerge myself in the communication game.
For myself it has been a paralysis that usually creeps up during relationships or confrontational moments with people. The idea of “losing yourself” in a relationship by essentially not being your authentic self because… why? I really don’t know. I think it partly has to do with loving another person and you feel you are doing “the right thing” or you are simply letting them “be themselves” and somewhere down the line you let go too much of who you are and start feeling bad? You have failed to look out for yourself and what you really want and believe and for whatever reason you were not able to take a stand and just be yourself? Lots of philosophies and analyzations, maybe we just need to breathe and talk. :) . The idea of "not liking confrontation? and avoiding the “speak your mind” talks for me were about not being grounded and believing in myself enough to speak. I guess that would be part of low self-esteem or just plan fear about being me? Back to the SELF blog I go and read again so I can get it better this time around. I thought I had ended that battle and had no idea is leaked into this one! :(
Perhaps I am making no sense and just rambling at this point. Perhaps it is just me and one of my issues I need to work on a bit more during this lifetime. I know people who are very confrontational and speak at every moment they can AND I also know people who are submissive and say nothing, AND I also know people who just have a hard time speaking up on certain topics or with certain people or in certain situations. I think all 3 of those categories are about being a good communicator and a good listener, it goes both ways. I guess my point is we can all help out and be better communicators and better listeners by practicing both ends of the spectrum. Communication is via physical body actions, voice tones and “perceptual spins” on what you say. So I guess the answer is just really try to be the best version of you and that is what will come out naturally.
I am also an advocate for learning how to deliver your thoughts in ways that will provide your self with a positive outcome. I think this is a more advanced skill. It involves really connecting and listening and responding at a soul level. It takes into account the other persons emotions and the idea of just being empathetic. I am not saying you need to take on other peoples problems and get all OPP with it :) But I am saying there is an ART to really BEING with another person and giving them the time and respect of human kindness and letting them be vulnerable and not feel bad for what they need to say at that moment in time. Just remember we all have a right to change our mind. We all don’t say what we really mean the first time around sometimes because maybe it is just not honed perfectly in our brains yet and we don’t have clarity yet. Be patient with each other. We are truly all trying and doing our best based on what we know so far. So help each other out. Teach someone if you can. Tell your story. Speak your mind. Don’t stay silent. I am living proof that silence CAN manifest itself within your body in very chronic ways, CANCER is my story. It only creates more problems by not speaking. Even if you think someone will get “angry”, do it. Emotions are brief and they subside. They will get over it, and if they can’t , don’t hang around.
You have a valid voice and are important and speaking up helps us all live more fulfilling lives. So don’t get stressed out and hung up on thinking what “you think will happen” when you “speak up” but remember that it will help us all live more happily with each other as a human race. I know that might be hard to grasp but it is true. Even if you don’t agree or you feel the contrast in your bones and it doesn’t feel good. It is resolvable. No matter what. If we all become better communicators and listeners we just might have a chance at a happier and more peaceful life.
the starbucks lady is a gangsta. she has lots of swag. take a look. you will never look at a starbucks sign the same after today.
I have made great progress this year in living life! Living in the moment has proved to be filled with lots of emotion: exhilaration, sunshine, loneliness, hurt and pain, joy and bliss, laughter, crying from happiness, fulfillment, nurturing, peacefulness, dark and cold, fear, nervous and anxiousness, admiration, desire, passion, jealousy, hopefulness, brightness, satisfaction, harmony, ease, freedom, expansion, sympathy, and cheer. Lots of life has been unfolding, lived, and created by me and I am now beginning to understand the power of me! I am proud of my endeavors, accomplishments, expansiveness, education, openness, and ability to dig into life this past year. I hope you are also proud of your self! I think we should all think of ourselves as a big delicious cookie with lots of nuts and chocolate chips and sprinkles. Our job is to throw our sprinkles on the world! Let’s get going!
ahhhhh this statement has sooooo many meanings for me that are truly relevant....
There is 1 thing that has remained the same within me probably since birth and I also heard it through the grapevine before...that....... i was a genuine person. Well, if I were to brag, I suppose this would be a quality that I would be proud to say out loud. I could interpret this on many different levels but I choose to think that it means that I exuded an aura that seemed truthful and honest. I am not saying I never told a lie or felt as though I were being dishonest, I am saying it meant I was being only what I knew how to be and that was real to the world. I think I probably have my parents to thank for this one. These past couple years have really tested the validity in these statements and I have dealt with taking a step back and considered the thought that perhaps this statement was not as true as I thought in regards to me and my life. I pouted about it for a while. I pondered on it for a while. I analyzed the sh++ out of it for a while. I doubted it for a while. I tried to fix me and go back to it for a while... until I figured out it was a combination of my body and my mind and my soul that were working cohesively together to formulate this #trueself. I finally understood me and how to work with all my pieces and put the puzzle together so it made sense and made me feel more complete. I had taken a bunch of diversions and just like MAPS re-routing and SIRI telling me to go this way go that way, I had to finally really listen to myself and look at the overview and take action instead of being told what to do and listening to all the peripheral. Perhaps everything was OK and I didn't have to FIX myself and all of THIS was just part of my process in living life. Sigh.... i feel kinda better.
As the days and nights passed these past few years I really fell into losses and gains of self-esteem, sense of self, and self worth. You could say that my SWAG was down, but that even got me thinking. SWAG is good? BUT it also represents for me the hip hop version of.... the struggle of... " insert whatever ur own personal struggles are". I have to struggle and feel like sh++to win? wtf? I started to really doubt this whole hip hop struggle definition thing. Life had taken a HUGE turn for me on many levels and things were seemingly crumbling. So many hits and punches and gouges and kicks and swipes and daggers and tackles that I was weary and bruised on all levels. YES as I have said many times before, brought on by myself because I am in charge of me and I make my own choices. No one to blame but me. #keepinit100 came down to who i surrounded myself with each day. ME! SH++!! Lies told to ourselves are probably the worst lies in my opinion. They hold you back from life and being you. You cannot walk away from yourself. I am not saying I lied to myself all the time but YES there were times I did not want to see or exist or be in the truth of the matter. You could say I schooled my own self at REALLY being #100. Stepping out from all the darkness into all the lightness had extreme effects on my validity and clarity and vision of myself, life, people, places, and things. I started to learn how NOT to be the victim, how NOT to blame others, how NOT to feel guilty for my likes and dislikes and feelings, and HOW to reach and turn towards POSITIVE emotions and feelings. I have now GAINED SO MUCH from this apparent step back. I am no longer struggling. Just keepin' it 100.
I had always prided myself on #keepinit100 meaning GIVING it ALL you GOT no matter the scenario. I am competitive by nature so If I was challenged, I rose. If I was asked a question , I answered as honestly as I knew how. I wear my heart on my sleeve and didn't know HOW to be untruthful with my voice and actions. WELL, I had a lot of categories to work on in #keepinit100. This means I was having a hard time connecting with myself and believing in myself and living truth. Learning how to follow what feels good from the inside and cut off the negative momentum was tricky for me. I had to just bust down the wall like the hulk or kool-aid man and go for it in certain circumstances. It took many scenarios to get it right but I continued to practice over and over. I took a gymnastics class this past year a few times and boy was I #hulk with it! Proof in the pudding that yes you can throw down at any age. I might not have bounced back as quick as a 20yr old but my amateur skill level still remained in some capacity. That is the 100 in the pudding. Not looking for the best out there but the BEST in YOU. Gymnastics was just an example for me to push forward no matter what.
Lastly, the most enlightening thing I think about my #100 discoveries these past couple years is that it is really nice to get high on life. Sounds cheesy, but it is a TON more fun and feel good and happy and blissful and fulfilling than any drug or alcohol or sex or shopping or addiction out there! PLUS you wake up with no hangover, you still got money, you feel awesome about yourself and you are all in tact ready for the day! You don't feel crazy or have doubts or wonder if you said or did something stupid and you don't feel depressed or sad or feeling the lack of... ?. #100proof insulates that feeling of happiness and joy of life. The joy of being with people and connecting with people. The joy of feeling peace and confidence to get through the next day. The courage to push forward and let in those good feeling dreams and wishes. The everlasting process of getting in alignment only to get out of alignment so you can get in alignment again and keep enjoying the process.... ahh life is so easy but complex... ya feel me? ...#keepit100
I had visions of a bald headed buddha and sounds of monks chanting 3 years ago when I started to experiment with meditation. I called people tree huggers and did not take any responsibility for the eco system and did not grasp fully being “green”. I knew about astrology and psychics and liked reading horoscopes. I was living aesthetically and had no concept of spirit or soul or source or the laws of the universe or connecting to my self. I was numb and lived a very robotic life and I was doing it all to myself. The blame game sucks and feels really crappy so I am not going to do that to myself AND I am also not going to blame the past and the people from the past. So where does that lead me? Life has been a process. Meditation has been a tool to help me heal and begin to thrive. I simply did not know.
I was first hooked when I experienced the voice and message of Deepak Chopra. I spent countless hours in my basement with the lights out listening to videos on Youtube. I explored the messages of Deepak, Wayne Dyer, Louise Haye, Abraham Hicks, Echkart Tolle, and Sadhguru. I began to experience energy cleansing, learned about the chakras, the laws of the universe, the art of letting go and retraining the brain. I am now tapping into my emotions and using them as a barometer to head in the “feel good” direction. I have changed perception. I have gained much needed clarity to heal myself. I have been to therapy to help me navigate through the relationship with myself and with others better. I have done hypnotherapy to release past trauma. BUT in order to really go through this whole transformation and keep my sanity, the tool of meditation has been my rock.
To be honest, I didn’t even know if I was truly meditating “correctly” but that was part of the process. I didn’t care because I just wanted to feel better and I was feeling better so I knew it was working. My mind started to open up and release and make room for new info. It was good. I started telling myself more positive stories. Yes we are the creators of our own reality. When I look back at my life it now makes sense. It’s like a big puzzle. I happened to have the puzzle that got mixed up with another puzzle and some of the parts would never fit. So piece by piece I began to tapestry together my life. I had to dig deep. I had to do some forgiveness. I had to be compassionate towards myself. I had to give myself a break from all the high expectations. I had to feel my emotions and process them and let them out. I had to communicate better with people. I had to stop squashing myself. I had to stop putting conditions on myself and my thoughts and others. I had to stop looking to others for validation. I had to believe that I was capable and really believe in myself and trust myself. I had to really let go and just let things be and trust in the process of the universe.
The damn waters were rising all these years then FINALLY the flood gates opened and everything just exploded out of me. All this self “work” I had been doing kicked into high gear and I was not drowning I was finally thriving, truly from the inside out. What could have been days, months, years, decades of pain were magically “poofed” away and light and love filled my insides. I have clarity every day. I know I go through what I don’t want to figure out what I do want. I don’t even know that I have words yet for what I have and am still experiencing. I feel an abundance of love and gratitude each day. It even feels different to walk and experience the day. The bad habit patterns that were holding me back and helping me “cope” have decreased tremendously. I victimized myself over and over and over by binge eating, over drinking, shopping too much, looking to others for validation, squashing my thoughts and emotions, and actually believing all the negative stories I let in and told about myself.
I now have an incredibly free feeling to be authentically me. I now understand the art of “just do nothing” by understanding the things I was doing to contrast that like “holding on” or “trying to fix”. I am officially tuned in, tapped in, turned on to source energy and getting myself in alignment to live out the many things in my own personal vortex. I understand my power. I am now continuously letting in, flowing, and living harmoniously. It feels good.
videos from my most recent trip to palm springs