lost without a compass...

Today I was tossing and turning thinking about what to write on my #watchmefly blog. It has been 2 months since my last blog and honestly I have been unsure what and when to write.  I want to share. I want to help. I want to heal. Those were the only things I could  come up with in the past months and it just didn't seem like enough. I needed a subject, a thing that happened, an aha moment, a focus on what to write. People are asking, "how are you doing?", I say I am doing well thanks for asking. That is the truth, however, honestly I just want to say I feel like shit and this part of the journey SUCKS big time but I regress because I don't want to be anyone's debbie downer and I know what I am doing is all for the good. There, I got it out. This is my focus today in my  journey. Release.

If you are just joining my journey or have not read through all my blogs since the beginning of time almost a year ago, let me catch you up with a quick summary.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year ago. I chose to heal myself naturally. I still have the "version" of cancer that I started with, which is a very low-grade type. I have made tremendous strides instituting "everything healthy into my life" and "ridding what is not healthy". I feel good about my decisions and progress. I am ok and currently successfully living with cancer.  I am at a turning point. That turning point is.... trying to be OK with being OK based on choices and decisions that I make to live the type of life I want to live. Being OK for me means NOT waking up every morning with any depression, sadness, anger, hatred, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, feeling suppression, and trying not to judge myself and/or others.

I am wandering aimlessly right now in this journey.  It feels like God came along, picked me up by the hair out of my house,  plopped me in the middle of another country without any clothes,  then said go ahead start living. As i looked with fear into his eyes I realized all i had with me was my memory. Really think through this scenario, let's dissect it shall we? a- you are naked, how embarrassing, b- you have no food or shelter and have to fend for yourself, c- you don't know the language and need to figure out how to communicate to get what you need, c- you are merely fighting to create a life and stay alive. Yup, that is how I have been feeling about my journey.  I also have another scenario to keep it fresh and interesting. I feel like I am on Celebrity Apprentice but this version is a bit different. In this scenario Donald Trump said " Tami, you have cancer and I want you to raise 5 billion dollars as fast as you can and figure out how to heal yourself and the world". Several times at the end of each task check-in he said "you're fired!" but in this version I never left, I said f*** you i am staying and figuring this out! In this blog, as I am typing this out,  I am realizing these are choices I have made and thoughts I chose to focus on and this is why I am feeling the way I am. Another Aha moment! Thx! I knew sharing my story was also healing so you are my witness now. Trust me, this NEVER ends when you seek to continuously grow and change, and truthfully I want to keep evolving and growing and changing for the better. I asked for it and now I am smack dab in the middle of what I asked for.... :0  Change. Growth. A healthier mind. A healthier body. A healthier life. The will to do it.

This natural healing stuff is not just about eating maitake mushrooms, drinking essiac tea, using essential oils, making your own detergents, yoga & meditation, etc....... for me, It is about utilizing this huge RED FLAG that appears in your life, taking it by the bull horns, trusting and believing in yourself, making decisions to better yourself and your life, giving , living, and enjoying what is right in front and around you at every moment in time. My HUUUGE mistake has been drinking, eating, shopping, and watching movies & tv to help all the emotions dissipate and feel nothing except "full" of/on these vices. Why? to be honest i don't know why. But I know I was doing it, I know it wasn't healthy, I know it contributed to where I am now. I also used fitness as a means to balance me out and my only freedom of expression was on stage. Holy crap. I cannot believe I figured that out all by myself. I am amazed really. A few months ago I was feeling like there was still a huge chunk of something I needed to go through. Ladies and Gentlemen, the past 3 months have been torturous emotionally but i am still standing and in the end i see unicorns and rainbows. :)  I have cooped up emotions from years of living and they are all coming out like Niagara falls. I have felt every emotion under the sun. I have been disgusted and angry and insecure and fearful and sad and agitated and unfulfilled. I have also felt happy, peaceful, relaxed, and fulfilled. What does this mean? I know I am changing and the self-help work I am continuously working on IS working!! I can look back and see the changes and feel the changes even though they are just now starting to flourish.  I still feel lost without a compass, but I feel like I am living a better and happier life.

Thx for listening. I am cutting it here due to sharing too much heavy stuff at one time. :)

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