Fear and the flying trapeze

End of Detox- End of January 2016- End of Fear- Week 18

Today was fun. I experienced Flying Trapeze with kids, well mostly kids. 3 other adults and 6 kids between 7-13years I would guess. As you know I have also been doing lots of soul-searching in my breast cancer journey. One of the things I wanted to work on was being fearful. I always thought of myself as not fearful, but as the past months have gone by, I realize I have been riding on fumes the past handful of years. I have clutched onto things in lieu of fear. The fear of FEELING fear was terrifying. Before my 2nd swing today, I asked the professional if she still gets the "roller coaster stomach drop " when she swings. She said "no, only when I try something new". AHA moment. There were many parallels with today's experience and LIFE. 

When I arrived, I saw nothing but kids and thought oh this should be fun. As I walked to the waiting area where everyone was belting up they were all picking which "number" they wanted to be. They all giggled and were oohing and awing as each of them signed up for a number. When it was my turn I could select 1, 4 or 6. (those were the only spots left) Which one do you think I picked?  1 of course! Hello! This is Tami! :)  They all giggled and gasped and eyes wide as I said wish me luck, I've never done this before. ( I later found out it was everyone's first experience at flying trapeze).  We got the rules and breakdown of what we were supposed to do when it was our turn to swing. We gathered around and chalked up our hands.

I started climbing the ladder which was the first big feat, the room got a little silent. The pressure was on to be brave in front of the kids. I won't lie, when I got up there I had about 1 second where I wanted to turn around, but going back down the ladder seemed worse.  If you have never had a flying trapeze experience, in order to "mount the bar" before you swing you have to grab one side, then let go and put your other hand on the bar and lean forward over the ledge as the instructor holds you with a harness before you make the swing.  You definitely have to put trust in someone else with your life. Trusting they will hold you up as you take the dive and try something new.

I got the stomach drop, butterflies, breathe cut off, and eyes closed the 1st 2 swings. You had to learn the cues and then LISTEN to the instructor on the microphone so you knew WHEN to " knees up" ,"legs through", " hands over head", "catch hands", "legs out", swing legs forward-back-forward", "tuck and spin". Each time we would all cheer and clap and high 5 and say good job! One little girl was getting frustrated on how to get her legs through so she could swing upside down. She asked me, " how do you do this?", " was it scary?". I said yes it was a bit scary but you just focus and go for it and visualize yourself doing it from start to finish. Her friend chimed in with, " you just gotta believe in yourself". GOOD GIRL! I wanted to give her a Fly Girl shirt for a prize since she answered that way, it was great!

So we got to the last round, ROUND 5. They selected 4 of us to try the CATCH. I was first again.  All eyes were wide and it was SUPER SILENT as I climbed the ladder.  I talked to myself the whole way up. All I had to do is do the patterned Swing that I had mastered after 4 swings, then extend my arms and trust and believe that the other instructor (who was perched on a shorter swing on the other side of the net) would reach out and grab my arms in mid swing and that it would work.   Well I will let you watch my video to see what happened.....

AS I left today, I felt very elated and happy that I tried something new. Something that put a little fear in my body and I was able to do it. I was able to progress. I was able to finish the established task that the instructors had demonstrated. It never felt TOO hard. It never felt TOO terrifying. It was a good lesson in just getting out and doing it. I had told one of the little girls who kept asking if it was scary and what would happen if they didn't catch me, " just think of the worse case scenario, you drop and the net catches you".  As I think back to all in my life that has happened, I have had a net every single time. Every thing has eventually worked itself out. No need to be fearful. Our minds take over and then we become fearful when there is no reason.

When I got home, for some reason I had the urge to dig up an old  poem book that I made in 1999. I was smart then. :) I thought I had it together, then LIFE kicked in. How could I have gone from writing these poems (below) to letting FEAR creep in and dictate certain parts of my life? There was a mom who participated today with her 2 kids.  Her kids were pretty full of energy and VERY rambunctious and you could tell the mom was just worn down from mommyhood. I noticed that as she took her swings she commented on how she didn't think she was STRONG enough to get her legs through the bar to swing upside down. It made me think about how as kids we can be SO #fearless and just put ourselves out there and then as we grow older and LIFE grows on us somehow our BRAVERY and SELF-WORTH and SELF- ESTEEM and SELF-CAPABILITIES get brushed under the rug. All we have to do is remember and believe.

I wanted to share 3 of the poems specifically in my book. They just seemed applicable for my journey right now.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for being part of my Journey. TAMI xo

As always, thanks for reading and listening.