 Living life in the lap of luxury and love? Why not? We all deserve the best. We are all doing the best we can. We all have the power of choice and power to create reality for ourselves. Who are we being and what are we doing? Do you show your true colors and look for rainbows? What kind of life would you lead if it was not this one? So many questions in my head and this self-realization process feels like such a roller coaster BUT I wouldn’t want it any other way. We are perfect human beings and our journey is life, not the actual manifestation of our desires. The best part… the sun always rises and sets and so we have a chance to live this life over and over and dive into our creations! So why wouldn’t we always stretch ourselves to reach for what feels the best. How do we get there? Where is there? I tell you what, I have been to many destinations, however, I have MANY more to visit. I like open-minds and open- communication, and the feeling to be free within ourselves. I like to surround myself with the ones who let me be me and in return they also like to be themselves. The connection and joy to move our energy together is pure bliss. It’s like a dance. It’s like music. It’s like art. It can be very abstract or very raw.
What the hell am I talking about and why so analytical? Well, I ‘m a virgo, that’s what I do. I spent this summer road tripping by myself, it’s very meditational and healing for me. It somehow gives me clarity and opens my mind to new beginnings and new perspective. It’s awesome! New experiences seem to help me shift gears, shift my life, and the drive has been so scenic that I never want to stop. It’s like something else takes over and there is NO going backwards, no reverse, just forward momentum. The law of attraction is full in force and desires are being fulfilled day after day. Does every moment FEEL this wonderful. No. Can’t lie. That’s part of life and I look at it as helping to propel me quicker to where I want to be. I still learn and grow and push myself to expand day after day. It’s never ending. It’s not exhausting, it’s thrilling. It’s warm fuzzies. It’s adrenaline. It’s pure love minute after minute. A friend asked me recently if I was running. Hell yeah! Yes running away from bad feelings but also running towards joy and a good life. If we can create ways to live life in a fun way, why would we not? Why would we not try to create the best scenarios day after day and be around the people, places, and things that lift us up towards joy and freedom? IDK bout you, but this is my new version of living and it rocks! How did I get here? Honesty is the best policy, right? Gloom and doom would be my answer. Gut wrenching times, heavy heart-attack palpitations, cancer, death and misery, tons of tears, rage and anger, lots of letting go and breakups, and the feeling of not even wanting to exist anymore. Heavy, I know. No worries. I’m here, I got through it, I time traveled through it. How did I do it? I told the universe I wanted to heal myself of all things and said I would do whatever it took to get me to the other side. What happened? Well, month after month the universe laid it on super thick! Blow after blow was like a fight with Muhammed Ali, but I won. Did it have to be this way and did I create my own darkness? I’m sure a bit. But life happens, dark shit happens , people can act crazy, and it is NOT fun. I have seen and felt complete darkness. I have seen and felt complete brightness. I choose the light. I choose nowadays to dance and sing at every moment possible. How do you deal with darkness and do you need that to see the light? I think so. At least that’s how it happened for me. My darkest time to date is the death of my 2 moms 2019. My mom died 7-24-2019 6pm and it it is the way she died that will forever be etched in my thoughts. My 2nd mom died 10-1-2019. Seeing both my moms dead bodies are forever in my vision. Touching both of their dead bodies remain in my sense of touch. To keep this blog open and honest I will share some details that are hard to say out loud. The 10 months of caring for my mom and trying to ease her painful cancerous death remains in my bones. Holding the hand of her 80lb body, laying by her side and listening to her heartbeat slow down to nothing haunts my ears. Visions of blood coming out of her mouth haunts my eyes. Seeing her toe tag and being rolled away in a stretcher covered by a sheet breaks my heart over and over. Kissing the corpse of my 2nd moms forehead and thanking her for being the best mom makes me feel like throwing up. I will never forget and cannot unsee these moments. I can only create a newness that blinds all of my senses. My mom was my kindred spirit and she no longer physically exists so I have to create new ways to connect. My 2nd mom was my confidant and helped me cope with myself and life. Nowadays they are the sunshine, the moon, the mountains, the water, the flowers, the birds, the butterflies, the rainbows, the sunrise, and the sunset. They still push me day after day to be successful, but this time at living life. They help me dance and listen to the music every day. They sit on the passenger side and enjoy each ride with me. They are the loudest voices in my head telling me what to do when I don’t feel good. They are in every meditation session when I have questions and want answers. They are the impulse to try new things and meet new people and just go for it and be fearless. They are part of the universe and the energy that steers my every move. I am so glad they are out there on my side routing me on. They see and feel what I am doing and the proof is in each manifestation, cuz living life in the lap of luxury and love is what they would have wanted, so now we share it together. Even more so than when they were physically here. I think they planned it all. I think they knew. I think they still nurture me and even better than when they could physically hold my hand. Because of the darkness, I can now dance to the rhythm of life until my body collapses. There is no going back. It’s a done deal. I shook hands with the universe and accepted my self, my self-created fate, the willingness to open up and love no matter what, and the ability to trust who I am and stick to what feels good. I still drive in many lanes, but stay mostly in the zone of happiness, leave the cooking to the universe, and follow my heart and passions. Life can be grand. We can all be wizards. The sun shines on us all. So the question is, will you take time to enjoy the sunrise? What will you do after sunset? Will you dance through the days? I made a choice to get busy living life and having fun with it all while I still have time. Will you?  This month marks 5 years living with cancer BUT thriving. How can that be? If I get straight to the nitty gritty there is a huge crappy list of sad things and a huge wonderful list of beautiful things that have all manifested in a very quick successional manner. I have written blog after blog as a means to get out my emotions, heal, help, and pave the path for my continuous journey. I have been abstract, raw, truthful, and vulnerable. I am only seeking the essence of who I am and who I can be. There has been lots of crying and smiling and contemplating. Sometimes I feel a mess and messy. Sometimes I feel anxious and scared. Sometime I feel like the sun couldn’t shine any brighter and the water couldn’t feel more peaceful. Sometimes I feel like I am making a big deal about things. Sometimes I feel judgement creeping in. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and do a restart of the day. Sometimes I want moments to never end. I guess that means I’m human.
This cancer thing has cast light on the ugliness that was me and given me gifts that keep me in awe every day. I gulp and shed tears as I write that sentence. My past was filled with buckets of shame and a hyper self-consciousness that wrecked the possibility of a healthy existence. I had unfulfilling relationships with everything in my life. However my present is filled with a peacefulness and acceptance of what the real me is and I am so thankful. Thank you cancer for turning my life into what it is. I have been torn down, but re-built and am continuously building new healthy relationships with myself, people, and life. It feels so much better. I’ve had conversations with many people about cancer. I always try to play “middle-man” and see all sides and be objective. That is my nature. However, if I stick to my guns on how I truly feel about cancer it would be this…. Just like anything in life you can dwell or move forward. You can sit on the couch or you can live life. You can be assertive and educate yourself and decide what is best for you or listen and go along with the masses. I made a choice. I made a plan. I made it happen. I stepped up to the plate and swung. I missed many times but in the end I hit it out of the ballpark. My commitment of natural healing lead to a happy and healthy and peaceful life. I feel like I won. Cancer is portrayed as a fearful and deadly thing and yes, it can be. I believe that if you can release personal fear, live healthy, accept, and focus on what makes you feel happy then life can be golden. I believe it can shift your body into a state that is healthy. So yes cancer can be beat naturally and yes I can be considered a survivor but perhaps not in the conventional sense. I don’t feel like a warrior and I don’t want to be a warrior because that indicates struggle. We don’t have to struggle. We have choices. I like peaceful Tami and she is here to stay. I don’t like cancer but I accept that it has a bigger task in teaching our human race how to live. My mom died of cancer last year. I am heartbroken because she was my best friend, not because she had cancer. I am not angry at cancer. Blame gets you nowhere. When you are living a toxic life it can manifest and show up in your body as disease. Breast cancer was my manifestation. Ovarian cancer was my mom’s manifestation. I don’t believe you just get cancer for reasons that are inexplicable. I think many people don’t address death or disease until they are struck with either of these scenarios personally. I was struck with both many times the past 5 years. Walking in these shoes has been very interesting. Forces of life that catapult you into different states of existence is what I would say it did for me. So long to old adages and ways of the past. Life is no longer about what I am doing but who i am being. The healthy lifestyle journey is for life. The promise to love and be loved is for life. The promise to stay connected to the universe and all of existence is for life. This is now #mylife and who I am. That’s as real as it gets for now. #watchmefly
WE are a living, feeling, smiling, laughing, screaming, crying collective of energy that is all connected. WE love to taste the goodness, smell the goodness, hear the goodness, see the goodness, and touch the goodness. When you cry, I cry cuz I feel your sadness. When you scream, I scream too because I feel your frustration. When you look out with anger, I feel anger boiling inside too. When you are quiet, I wonder what is going on and what I can do.
YOU are ME and I am YOU. I love your ways and the differences that make us a complete whole dimensional display. I don’t look like you and you don’t look like me but I love our contrast and unique brain waves. I was always curious how you stayed so sane and calm and talked to them in that way. I always loved how you played and danced and would sing that way. I forever admired how you paid no attention and just did YOU each day. ME, I was new to the human ways and caught in darkness that dampened my way. At times I wished I was born rich with money but now I see abundance is in my brain. I have the power to think myself into riches and a light feeling like sun rays. I have the power to breathe and control my sane. I have the power to enjoy life with mindful moments on display. You stimulate my taste buds, I see the light and smell the flowers every day. I am part of the divine and power that encapsulate our ways. Love is Allah, Brahma, Buddha, Christ, Consciousness, Divine, Evolution, God, Higher Power, Jehovah, Jesus, Krishna, Shiva, Source, Spirit, the Tao, Universal Oneness, and many more that ALL point in the same Direction. WE all seek LOVE. WE all seek to BE. So BE the love you seek and give the LOVE you seek. Most important, GIVE the LOVE you SEEK to yourself FIRST. Be kind to yourself and love yourself like no other. It is OK. Remember that YOU will only be your BEST and give your BEST when you ARE your BEST. I am not a God or shaman or healer or even define my self as better or more educated than anyone. I am simply a person that had “life happen” and know from personal experience that 100% of the time it comes back to us being in touch with ourselves and caring for ourselves with love and compassion. If I am not loving to myself , then how am I going to be loving toward you? In the darkness we are pushed to show more love to cope and come out ahead. To change, to expand, to grow, to mold ourselves into what we are and just be and receive. So whether you feel, taste, touch, see, smell, or hear what I am saying.. please know that LOVE flows over and over again over this cup and I see the beauty in YOU and ME and WE. Together we will enjoy this lifetime. Together we will laugh and cry. Together we will communicate, listen, and comprehend what WE need in order to live FREE on this earth until we are BOUND to a future universal being. We are not THEN, we are NOW. What do you want your life to be? What do you want to be? How do you want to be? If YOU are ME and ME are WE then how does it feel right to be anything but free? Will we gag ourselves to death or spread the sunshine that internally bleeds? WE is stronger than I so let’s get together, look each other in the eye, say our past goodbyes, and get moving toward a future that has opulence and thrives. I see you, I hear you, I taste you, I touch you, I smell you, and you are Not part of a Census. You are my friend, my love, my co-worker, my partner, my sister, my brother, and my child. You are my equal and we both are leaders, followers, teachers, preachers, and students. So follow my lead as we rise to another level of universal Being and Oneness. Much love my people. Looking forward to greatness, goodness, and a life full of pleasure not pain.
I feel lucky to still be here. I feel lucky to have and be able to see my own personal attributes clearly so I can use my power gracefully. I have always been a “big picture” thinker and viewer. I consider it my best “quality” as a human that is “doing”and taking action. I feel lucky to be an equal and to see that equality within all of us. Many times it was hard to support myself and feel equal and believe in myself due to the past. Hopefully all my self-work has obliterated any negative self-belief out of the water. I think it takes bucking the systems, standing up for yourself and being your own advocate. And even nicer when done in a pleasant manner so more of the masses can digest what it is in front of them. After all we are all teachers in some capacity. At least that is what I believe. From my experience, this freedom from within takes moving through fear, letting go, accepting ourselves and all of humanity. I look forward to leading by example and giving gifts. It sounds fun to me. It sounds like a good way to live. If you are reading this, thank you. I am hopeful to continue my writing and exploring that 2nd half of life with myself and all of humanity. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I will leave you with all the phrases that leaked out of my head today. They are representative of some of what I have learned to date about life… Educate and research to better ourselves and others and help change beliefs to a positive perspective Absorb new thoughts and ideas and re-train the brain with repetition Come to our own conclusions and advocate Open your heart and mind Take care of your body Allow yourself to feel your emotions and try not to numb yourself out cuz it’s too intense Get and stay connected with the essence of who you are Manage and be friends with your ego and enjoy the human elements Lead by example Support others endeavors when it feels good for you You can change your mind and direction at any time or place Maintain your own and stay connected with the universal energy Enjoy the moments, the journeys, and the processes Maintain love and compassion and gift giving Put yourself in other peoples shoes Be a great listener Communicate what you want nicely Tune into how and what people are feeling to develop your compassion Give praise Be thankful Smile and laugh Let go and enjoy the ride Continue self-expansion, self- compassion, self-love, and self-acceptance and practice the same with all individuals If there was a possibility to exist or awaken to our natural state of being Today, are you open and can you embrace that possibility? If the answer is Yes, let’s do a short and simple exercise. Are you willing to sit quietly for a few minutes? You can stand, sit, lay down, close your eyes, open your eyes, whatever is comfortable. Now individually, let’s not engage with our past or future. Pretend like they are movies, and just turn them off for the time being. Leave any thought of intention or regret. Turn off any thought or feeling or experience. Just be. Let go of who you think you are or what you have done or what you have or what you have accomplished or what you still want to achieve. When we are done you can turn it back on if you like. Just be. Recognize right here, right now. The what is. Leave everything else alone. Remain empty of thought and concepts. It is possible. No thoughts of past, just don’t engage. Even about the future and present , don’t engage. It’s not important if you wish to discover your true self. That’s already a huge weight removed from you. Yes? Feel and see an empty and open space. Pay attention to your natural inner environment free of thought. Really put yourself in this state of being. You are not waiting for anything, you are just here. A limitless state of being right now. You are still aware but staying empty and not engaging. Simple to follow if you choose. When you are clear of thoughts, memories, self descriptions, ideologies, finish all your mental activity and emotions, you have the power to do this. When this is clear for you, you are here, let’s ask some questions. Answer with a yes or no and respond. Pay attention to just what is right now. What is here beyond thought, intention, memory, and dreams? Is it personal? Is it a belief? Is it an object? Have you created it? Is it a mood or emotion? Are there any boundaries? Can it become sick? Can it fade or disappear? Is it a philosophy or religious? Is it for or against anyone? Can it be lost? Can it be possessed by one group of people or a person? Does it judge or criticize? Was it born? Can it disappear or die? Whatever this is, whatever is really here at this moment, this “is”ness, this limitlessness, this freedom, this discovery, where has it been all our life? This awareness is our own self. It is not an object or a mood or a feeling or philosophy or belief or religion or a skin color or an opinion. It is not a sexual preference or a body part or a gender or an identity. There is not distance from what this is, this is the truth of you. The all encompassing being of you. It's us. So if this is true, if it is this easy to just be, why would we not? If this “being ness “ naturally connects all of us, then wouldn’t it be to our advantage to be? Wouldn’t it be to our advantage to teach others to be? Wouldn’t it feel better for all of us just to be? If we are limitless, why do we put limits on our humanity? If we are this power together, why do we act out in power to control humanity? Why do we categorize and label? We are not problems to be fixed, we are beings in need of getting in touch with our own self. Yes? Why do we say black lives matter and where should we go from here and what is each individuals part? We are seeing the inflammation of ego. Just like a compromised immune system and body that is sick, means inflammation in the body exists. Just like a wound that becomes infected and puffs up and turns colors and hurts and swells and bleeds. Only ego can lose sight and create tragedy against humanity and put it all on video and show the world in a way that undeniably displays acts of violence that have been manifested time and time again. These are shows that cannot be unseen and effects everyone. So if living in ego can create this tragedy, then wouldn’t it best serve us to not be in ego, but to learn how to BE and be connected to our truth? If BEingness is a collective WE, why do we beat up ourselves? Why do we kill ourselves? It makes no sense. But ego is not sensical. Living only in thought and perspective is not always sensical. Living in pure emotion is not always sensical. Living only in our bodies is not sensical. Yes these are all parts of living life as human being. We made it here for some reason, so let’s all come together, just be, be in the “is”ness and create a humanity that feels good. How do we do that? Get connected with the truth of ourselves. Display compassion and love. Support and help others. What else can I personally do? You pick. That’s the beauty of it all. If you have money, sure donate to a cause. If you have kids, be a good teacher of inclusivity instead of exclusivity. If your work involves decision making, let it be about equality and made out of love. Be an inspirational leader. Display acts of kindness. When someone is hurt or hurting, show them compassion and love. Whatever your “work” or trade is, use it to help create positive change with what serves us well. Help create something new. Be part of a team. Connect with humanity beyond ego and get out of our own fears. Let go of the past and forgive. Be thankful. Extend a hand if someone asks for help. Look humanity in the eyes and be authentic. By doing so WE get ahead of it all so we stop being reactionary. So wherever you are perhaps ask yourself…. Am I contributing to solution or problem? Am I displaying human compassion & support? Am I adding to the pile of systemic issues regarding inequality of humans and how people are treated? Am I caught up in myths from past that cause inequality and separation? Am I following along out of habit and passed on beliefs? Can and will I re-evaluate my current perspective and core beliefs? How and where will I spend spend my energy and time to contribute to an existence that serves all of us well? Do I want to be a follower or leader? Do I want to be a victim or an advocate? Now let's take the lead and define our own parts. This is our role in humanity. We don't have to tell anyone or explain to anyone. Just do it. Just be. I think we all know why. We all enjoy freedom and love and happiness and health and are here to create. Join the "movement" and watch ALL of us FLY. 
What do you do? Go on a rampage? Sit down and cry? Get angry and revolt? Go on like nothing happened? Lash out at people close to you or far away? Sit in judgement and criticism? Be a victim of circumstance? Talk poorly of others and your negative perception? Bow down to a popular thought or reaction? Go along with the masses? Doubt yourself and others? Sit and worry about things you cannot change?
OR Speak with love and kindness? Respect everyones’ perspective and decisions? Keep a smile and laughter throughout the day? Tend to yourself and keep it positive? Educate yourself and make your own decisions? Go with the flow and accept what is happening and know that everything is ok? Keep your adventure going through the new norm? Meditate and clear your human mind for a new start and new day? Gee. I know which one sounds best. Hopefully you pick what FEELS good too! We have wandered around aimlessly. We created mundane lives. We ignored our emotions and feelings. We obsessed over reality tv, news reports, and kept our noses glued to our electronics. Some of us were not truthful to ourselves. Some of us thought we knew what happiness and existence was before tragedy struck. We are a world at war aiming for peace. Peace within ourselves. Peace within societies. Peace within the world. We have fought wars. We have been creative and inventive. We have killed AND helped one another. We have been grateful and greedy all in the same breath. Some lost sight of what was only to focus on what the current situation is and are trying to find a way to look forward. We did what we thought was ok from the perception of what we knew…. Now we are knowing and learning more…. What is your NEW perception.. PLEASE share. Feel free to comment and share Thx for reading and listening. Tami XO I have been humbled and shown grace every single day the last 5 years. I might not have always seen it that way but now it is very clear. The universe has an odd job cuz it’s always on duty. Always working for everyones well being every single moment in time. The universe must be super fucking busy. I am surprised the universe doesn’t just give up and say fuck it cuz of all the humans in the world. And they never stop co-creating so this is a job for life. Wow. I am amazed again.
I embarked on my healing self journey 5 years ago. It has taken 5 years, disease, and death to help me realize all I have to do is be the best me and let the universe do the rest. I have been shown time and time again how much I have expanded and how beautiful life and people can be. Most of it is about perspective and I love these new lenses I can see out of! It’s wonderful! These 5 years have been filled with beautiful forms of self love, honesty, tastes of bliss, love of another, and massive self-expansion. In true universe style it has included dark, light, sunshine, tears, laughter, sadness, disappointment, and capping it all off with the act of leading with love at all times. I have experienced what it feels like to exist in moments where you can genuinely be 100% yourself authentically. I experienced ease and flow and joy and lots of smiles and warm fuzzies and love thoughts and feelings. I experienced feeling doubtful about myself and very confident in who I am in the same moment. I experienced looking someone in the eyes and just knowing the idea of truth and love and joy instantly. I am in awe. I have successfully eliminated the unhealthy habits of attachments in life and lack of belief in myself. I am soooo happy. I still have lots of questions. I still have moments I want it all now and lack patience to just enjoy the process. I still get ancy and wonder what the bigger picture really is and how it will all turn out. I still yearn to be deeply in love. Perhaps now it will be possible since I have found true self love. I still yearn to travel the earth and adventure through it all in some capacity. I know for sure I like to move and be active. I also love to just chill and enjoy the moments and sunshine. I yearn to perform and stay connected with people. I know for sure that everything is ok and all is working out. I can see the same journey within other people I have met. I am so excited to attract people with the same mindset so I can share my discoveries and findings and have someone not think I am crazy. I am mostly thankful for being surrounded with all the beautiful thoughts, memories, words, selfless actions, acts of strength and bravery, smiles and laughs, hugs, and kisses that have given me comfort and love and support in times that seem so dark. People have helped my world spin within orbit and out of control at times. People have brought me such love that I can’t contain myself. I have allowed love in my life and it feels so good that I can’t stop and I can’t wait for the next moment. I can’t wait to share. I can’t wait to give. I can’t wait to express myself. I can’t wait to know more about others. I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I lose my breath every time a person expresses complete honesty and vulnerability. It’s a mirror of where I am and it is beautiful. I am so proud of all that I have let into my life. I am so proud of all the expansion. However I am most excited about what the future holds. I am curious how others formulate their lives and how they adapt to this mindful century of life. My eyes are wide open and observing all the new love. My mind is open and embracing all the love. My emotions are all over the place. My body is happy to be flowing once again. My soul is so tuned in and turned on that I sometimes can’t stand it and don’t know what to do but sit and meditate. I see the love. I feel the love. I am the love. I am so thankful. Thank you universe. Thank you mama. I love you. My heart is exploding and so full at the same time. Much Love- Tami xo  We are all both beauty and beast in many ways. I like to say the beauty is when we are connected with soul, leading with love, and begin to see things in a bright sunshine way. I like to say the beast is when we struggle and trudge through life, deal with people/relationships, and how we think and treat ourselves. Beast is who we become when we are living in our ego-driven human body and function out of dysfunction.
SO Marinate in all the feel good Moments of life so you have lots of good Memories and Milk it for all it’s got!. Why not? So you can live a life filled with bliss. So you can be and create more happiness for you and all around you. So you can live healthy and functional and a good quality of life. So you can be the best you and do the best while you are here on earth. Be beautiful. Be a beauty. I really think all of humanity aims for the same thing. In constant search of love, happiness, and prosperity. In this case I will add the word “security”. Security as in needing/wanting some type of “people-place-thing” because it makes you feel secure in a way with your place on earth. As if we need extra things to complete us or make us whole or count on it in case something goes wrong. These security blankets suddenly don’t seem so secure anymore. I am slowly but surely waking out of this state of security. It’s like a security blanket but internal and we are not always conscious of these “attachments”. It’s just part of our beast. But you gotta love the Beast cuz it got ya where ya are today! My continued and now never-ending health journey has me Marinating in all the goodness that is presenting itself in my life. That is the beauty in me! It is also showing me Darkness and how you can choose to continue on and feel your emotions then hop right back in the “game of life”. More of the beauty. In the dark shows us many options and self-expansions if we choose to see the light in the dark and look at it’s beauty. SO “seeking bliss” and “embracing the beauty of darkness” have really pushed me out of fear and to be the most secure human being that I can be without attachments. So beautiful. To make decisions and go for it and be confident. Beautiful. To reach for what feels good all the time. Even more beautiful. To attract people that are in the same mindsets. Feels beautiful. To use it as a guide on what is next for you. So exciting AND beautiful. So cheers to the beauty and the beast cuz they have an eternal impact on how we expand as humans and how we are spirit living a human experience. As soon as we let go of rules, regulations, conditions, and old stories of life only THEN can we truly start to open our eyes and gain new perspective on what life can really BE all about. A fun place to be creative, to love, to adventure, to smile, to laugh, to dance, to play, and to gaze at endlessly. I love you my life and am so thankful to have this opportunity to explore humanity and the earth while my body still allows. You are my peace and my pride and my joy. Thanks. My heart sings. xo Tami
If we choose, we can see glory and abundance and bliss. It’s breathtaking.
It’s the gift we receive for bearing the presence of a heavy heart. It's within us. We can seek internally for guidance and clarity and peace which will lead us to a love that stems from the heart and glides out of each of us with such grace that it lifts up everything in existence. We see rainbows and beauty and pots of gold that now seem so irrelevant to why we are here and how we want to BE in this lifetime. We continue with ease and keep loving and keep living. We lift our heavy hearts now cuz we are strong from within and THAT is how we WIN when our human time is up. At least that's what i choose to believe. #watchmefly XO tami
We can listen. We can learn. We can love. We can hate. We can dream. We can expand. We can judge. We can be passionate. We can uplift. We can manipulate. We can live in fear. We can create happiness. We can be humble. We can be egotistical. We can be shy. We can be extroverts. We can be loud. We can be soft. We can be human. We can be spirit. We can be emotional. We can be racist. We can be loyal. We can be disciplined. We can be righteous. We can feel weak. We can feel strong. We can be creative. We can go with the flow. We can be controlling. We can communicate. We can be good leaders. We can be teachers. We can be preachers. We can be victims. We can forgive. We can be bound. We can be free.
These are choices we can make each day for ourselves. The day my mother passed she taught me all of these. I will preface this blog by saying that 10months of living with someone who is dying and holding their hand until the bitter end gives you a glimpse into another world and how we really can choose how to live and how to exist in this world. The process goes from loud and noisy and turbulent to pure silence and peace. The process shows us the gift of life and the gift of spirit and the gift of freedom. You can also choose to focus on the disparity of the situation or the beauty in the situation. Again, we have the choice and that is pure bliss. I suppose the question is do you want to be happy and live happy? If the answer is yes well then the great news is you have total control over whether or not that becomes your reality. You can live as a grumpy grumpnoid or seek to create a day of sunshine no matter what is going on with you or others or in the world. We often look externally for happiness instead of taking responsibility and looking within ourselves. Did you know the happier you become with your SELF the less people and situations will bother you? Did you know that as soon as you stop caring what others MIGHT THINK of you then you are truly free? Did you know that when you stop, listen, and observe, and take in the world the more connected and in awe you might feel of what is around you? Too many times we say appreciate and be grateful but are those just words and thoughts until you really take time out to be quiet and just be? I wonder if all the spirits who are not human any more are just chuckling at our existence? I am hopeful to ask my mom as soon as I can get hold of the long island medium one day and talk to her…. Just kidding… or maybe not? :) My mom was smart. My mom was pretty. My mom was unconditional yet conditional. She lived by rules and regulations but I think she strived to live more with a free spirit. I think like everyone else she yearned to be the most self-confident in everything and the idea of being not confident felt like being out of control. I think she felt responsible and very well liked and courageous. She made a difference. She made a legacy. She made us all be better. She fought and we fought. We all became better advocates through health and sickness. I laid by her side and told her I loved her until I heard her heart slow down and eventually the last heartbeat. She lay still while I grappled on tightly. I think she floated out of the room in silence. I walked out of her room and looked out the window. It was numbingly silent and peaceful at the same time. The world seemed still except for the movement of a carousel. I remember this vivid thought … “and life still goes on… what will you do with yours”. It was eery yet profound at the same time. It was sad but glad at the same time. It was love but sadness at the same time. It was death but life at the same time. They say we are in a time of awakening so I guess this was part of mine. 8 weeks later my 2nd mom passed away and I begged to keep her in the condolence/viewing room so I could say my goodbyes. Her last heartbeat was mistakenly misconstrued because of a pacemaker. She was thought to be alive but really dead? She looked fine. She looked ok. We just saw her 2 days ago. Now she was on a stretcher being rolled away. I actually think she was having a hard time letting her “heart parts” go. She chose to be brave and just suck it up until the end. That is what she did. She gave and listened and gave and listened and gave an listened and gave and listened until she could no longer. She was my 2nd mom. I guess there was still more life learning and awakening that needed to happen, that still needs to happen. It’s not about the actual passing, that is about realization. Death of a mom or moms is another story. It’s about the before and after. The heartbeat, the last heartbeat, and the movement of the carousel which is life as a human. It's about the humanistic side and what to do , what to be, wth. My 2 best friends and confidants were now gone. Tell me what that carousel looks like and feels like and whether or not it will break down or keep going. Point being again we have choice. We can stay in an emotional state by recreating it over and over or we can move beyond moments in time. We can be nice and just let things be and know everything is okay or we can be jerks and controlling and unhappy people. We can gripe and moan about the people , places, and things around us or we can keep it positive and keep moving forward. This is a call to action to live your best life and be healthy and happy and stay healthy and happy. Yes death will come to us all and it is solely our choice as to how we live and how we choose to be. We have control and if there is any controlling going on I think the best version is taking control of your SELF by creating a great life and choosing happiness and love. The opposite just won’t do and won’t help create a good life for anyone. We are all in this together so why not act like it and be kind to one another. So let’s all ride the carousel with great joy until our last heartbeat. Tami xo
learned how to BE love and SPREAD love... started to fully LIVE and BE the BOSS of my life....
made amends with my SELF... explored food for medicine concept.... made new friends....
started new beginnings... reached for only the best feelings...
strengthened bond of family...
appreciated friend time, work, break time, and mother nature perks....
learned and appreciated the connection of my girls and protection, belief, and support...
saw a human in all aspects from mom to daughter to sister to lover to friend to companion to spirit which helped me stand tall, instilled color and bliss in my life, allowed me to see grace and gangsta in the same breath, and gave me the gift of self love and belief and trust and learning how to move through it all with grace...
took time to have fun and appreciate the moment and actually FEEL it....
slowly realizing LOVE is all around me and i just have to let it in....
and when you get knocked down... be appreciative of the process, it's how you get back on your feet, and there is more light in the end of the tunnel than you can even imagine.... Simply The Best! That is what she was. That is what she is . That is what she wanted to be. That is what everyone around her thought. Mama was the best and she lived a fabulous life. Judy was a great friend, great companion, superb mom, good human being, and the best team player. Judy was a professional and made strides for women on a daily basis. A mom that loved her family and continuously poured her heart into caring, supporting, and bettering her relationships. A sister that enjoyed companionship and smart ass comments with her beloved Janet. A friend that guided the young, kept up with the young at heart, and cradled the ones ready to lead their best life and enter the final 1/4 of life. Mama passed away from ovarian cancer. Mama fought until the end. Mama looked glamorous. We held mamas hands as she transitioned. A beautiful soul. My sister and I witnessed the journey that mama took the last 10 months. We are changed. We are in awe of her presence and seek out her essence every day from sunrise to sunset to dark nights to sunny days. We got to see Judy, Mama, Companion, Friend, Sister, and Soul. It was beautiful. We love you mama. XO 5-1-46 to 7-24-19
Yes mom has transitioned. Yes we are deeply saddened beyond words. Yes she passed too soon. Yes we thought she would be the last to go and she was the first. Just like a true soldier she held true to her team and gave it all she had to be present until she could no longer. She was the essence of team player and the brightest star on the team EVERY TIME. As her children, no we didn't understand her every move... until now. I am humbled. She is STILL making moves. I know she is. Our lives are changed and things are going through contrast then they look even BRIGHTER the next day. It may sound crazy to say but I do feel her wings cradling me every day right now. She is not and has not forgotten. She is not just another human that passed away SHE is the brightest star in the sky tonight that is giving hope and confidence and support to those in need. THAT is the essence of why my mom was on this earth besides giving life to my sister and I. My mom would want us all to push forward and shine. My mom was my biggest fan and I know 100% that she believed in me and my processes and journey through life. She wanted so much to be part of every single minute no matter what. She wanted to see the growth and SHINE in everybody. So that is what we MUST do. Be our BEST so we can then be the most helpful on this earth while we are here! THAT is what she would want so THAT is what we must be. So if you wish to honor the greatness of Judy, just be the best you and let your light shine.
 or leave a comment below if you cannot post on her memorialized FB pageWe are all just a spec on this earth and we are all connected in some capacity. There is something bigger out there besides living here on earth. We are all spirit, not just a human body, and we are all learning how to be the best versions of ourselves while we are here on earth. Forgiving and forgetting is wonderful because what “happened” or what “was” is no longer reality and living in the “now” is what is real. These are my thoughts and beliefs about life today and how we can best get “through it all”. My mom once told me if you don’t want anyone to know then don’t do it. A prelude to steering “you” in the best direction possible. The whole feel good-feel bad syndrome. Always shoot for what feels good, not what feels bad. If it feels bad, go the other direction! Quickly! If you don’t know what to do then be quiet, go home, meditate or sleep and then get up and do a re-try. As I journey through the past 4 years of my own personal life I just can’t believe where I am. I can’t believe all the feelings and emotions and excursions and transformations and expansions and “things” that have evolved and shown themselves or I just finally saw them. Not sure. But oh well who cares how they got here I am in a place that is very unfamiliar and strangely beautiful. I feel kinda 1-track minded as I preach “lead with love”. I can’t say I feel like doing it every moment in time but I often remind myself each day when I encounter a not so good feeling. I guess I became kinda contradictory but life is a learning lesson from start to finish. If I could be in complete peace and bliss 100% of the time I might have some better info for you. But to be honest I am not. I have sad days and confusing days and peaceful days and angry days and annoyed days and happy days and playful days and insecure days and heavy days. This is all part of being human. We are spirit that lives in this body and we have emotions and our brains think constantly! Welcome to life! All I can say is to live the most peaceful and blissful life is to always “lead with love”. That is my only advice. I don’t have any “right” answer or words of wisdom from all that I have encountered except “lead with love”. Now if you think about this it may seem a bit hard but really all you need to do is start “catching yourself” in the times where you are feeling less than love. Whether it be a a lost job, a fight, a betrayal, a death, a bad decision, a disagreement, a bad relationship, a breakup, just feeling dark, etc, basically anything that doesn’t feel good, idk you can just be quiet and try to draw a blank and get back to yourself and love your self enough to lead with love and get back to your self. THEN possibly a blissful life IS possible and all people on the earth ARE really trying to be good and be good human beings. The mind is a trickster and we are all in the same ball park just trying to be “here”. I continue watching day after day and observe what everyone does and how they react and what feelings are prompted by certain actions or situations and how they are just getting by right now, what they talk about and how they project themselves. I see it and feel it much more clearly and have come to a conclusion… lead with love… those are my only words right now, the only thoughts and feelings I am having, the best advice or words I can give anybody right now in any situation. Lead with Love. Lead with Love. Lead with Love. That’s all I can say. I try my best. Sometimes emotions get the best of me, I am human, and the love thoughts go out the door. I get it. If we can get through all the emotions and crap and finally come back to love THEN life can be much fuller and happier and peaceful and fulfilled. When we don’t lead with love we are only hurting ourselves, contrary to what we think might be hurting the other person? Why would we do that? Why would we want to make someone else feel bad or even worse? Love and roses and sunshine and warm fuzzies are all we deserve and IT IS possible. Of course contrast in life happens but that is how we keep growing and expanding. My personal experience with family is they are there no matter what and they stay no matter what and try to love how they know best. They are who we chose when we came here and I think we all feel and know it subconsciously. Friends are connections we have formed based on what we are vibrating currently and attracting. Lovers are those we want briefly in our life to fulfill a desire Or they are longer term and “here” to help us grow and teach us lessons and grow and expand as a human. Come to think of it really all relationships can be these types of situations so it is just humans in general… I think???? I love my family, I love my friends, I love my exes, I love the humans I get annoyed with, I love all my co-workers, and I love myself when I just can’t seem to find a good feeling, that is how I surpass it all. So if you are a person who doesn’t understand my reactions, who is my friend but I seem aloof and not there, who is my family but I am unavailable, who is my love and/or lover but I seem gone or not what you want at that time, or I am someone who you don’t know or understand, or i am latching on in some way cuz I feel alone, or i just brain farted and forgot something, just remember that everyone is doing the best that they can at every moment in time. EVERYONE. Even the people that are around you that seem to be in a place that feels sad or mad or frustrated or angry or annoyed, etc. YOU might be in that place as well but it is very dig outable! Guess what? Leading with love works! AND I know this for sure so you should try it! TRUST ME. LOVE U. I don't even know what I am saying right now but I hope maybe it helps in some capacity? If you ignore me I am not offended and I believe you will be out there doing all that you can do and I am happy about that! Thx for listening! Tami XO
 So I have been taking a yoga & meditation class and a sound healing class. The 4 week excursion has turned into even more learning, aha moments, peace, balance, bumps, and possibly a bit of levitation. The mission is to achieve physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. I am going for the happiest and healthiest version of me so this seemed to be the right fit for me now. Most recently in one of our discussions with the teacher she mentioned our “attachments” as human beings. It really got me thinking. Hence, I write a another blog post.
My mission now is recognizing my attachments and how to detach if they are not serving me well. I realized that some of my sadness comes from letting go of loved ones and realizing that as independent as I have been my whole life, I was pretty dependent on people close to me as a source of confidence and approval. Yuck. It was a set up for failure and feeling bad and helped harness unhealthy relationships with others and myself. I understand the depths of how it contributed to me not being my authentic self and created a lot of self dislike. Perhaps some hatred. The brutally honest version would be I have lived in fear of not being enough most of my life and this whole process of transforming myself that was spawned by cancer has been about connecting with myself, being ok with myself, believing in myself, loving myself, and being able to truly do these things by myself. These attachments to peoples, places, things are facades of the truth about ourselves until we can achieve it without anybody or anything but what resides within ourselves. We often to look to these alternative "things" as a means of instant gratification but in the end that's where they remain. Nothing instant in my experience has ever really tasted good or been any kind of "quality". Over the long term these attachments fester into a false sense of self. A not knowing one self. And really not knowing the alternative. The 2 closest people in my life are no longer “here for me” in the same way and the ugliness of this attachment issue has been exposed! I can’t say it’s a bad thing cuz it is pushing me to address all aspects of me and really dig deep into my mind, body, and soul. This is a push to continue healing from the roots, plant new seeds, and carry on with life in a new way. A healthy way. I never really saw it this way but to me it makes total sense and I now have clarity. I my case, the more I understand the better I seem to progress with my life and as a human. These attachments are just that, nothing else. It is up to me to detach. I get it now. I did not know. My bad, but now my good. Yay for me. Yay so my brain stops having crazy thoughts. And yay to figuring out the puzzle so I can get these emotions out and move on. I really can’t believe my life the past 4 years. So many twists, turns, opening cans of worms, taking out the trash, so many emotions, so many people, so many magical moments realized, so much more in the moment, more meaningful relationships with people, more fun, more sad, more sunlight, more darkness, so much appreciation, so much love. It’s like a movie when I look back and a movie that I now view in real time. These movies are no longer my reality. Right here, right now is my reality and what comes next is my reality. The universe has done it’s magic and it was all a set up to get here, now, and on to the next. I am thankful. Thx for listening- Tami xo
If we can just recognize that the non filtered version is sooooo beautiful! We see our flaws and others see something very different. Why is that? We speak something and someone’s interpretation can be drastically different, why? We listen and can hear our version so clearly yet fail to listen and live through what the other person is expressing or feeling, why? A better question than WHY might be how can I slow down, turn off my own personal thoughts and feelings, just be present, listen to the words, not judge, no criticism or reaction about what the “right “ answer is that is yours, just let the other person be, not take anything personal, not come to any conclusion about what we “think” is what they meant, and just let it be and move forward and leave it in the past like a movie that played and is over? I dunno. It takes practice is all I can say. I hope I got it better this time around. So if I haven’t told you lately, I love you. I hope you all can hear me and I hope we are all kosher and that life CAN be a bowlful of cherries!
I am hoping to be inspired and able to find the courage and the words soon. I am moving towards the real and authentic me so I CAN be me in hopes that I will feel good and be able to express to all what it is that I mean and BE Who I truly am. Life is many journeys. Each journey rich with it's own purpose. Each purpose closer to finding and living the most authentic you. I hope I can say to all what I really mean before we meet again. I hope you can say what you really mean when we meet again. My light is your light and I would gladly bask in the light together until we feel complete bliss cuz that is what we are meant to do. Cheers my friends and cheers to many beams of light. Thx for listening- Tami xo  I am no psychiatrist BUT my run-in with emotions the past few years has sure taught me a lot. I used to bang around like a pinball machine with my self and my emotions. I was a suppressor of emotions since I can remember. Doesn’t mean I didn’t have emotions, it was just hard for them to get out. I like to explain emotions by using them as a barometer to determine where you are at, your current state of mind, what you are vibrating, and experiencing. In short, they help us realize we are human, let us release, and will likely disappear after you sleep on it. As I proceed with my self-transformation I have had many run-ins with many crappy emotions. It sucks. They are not fun. BUT, they go away and you can sure learn how to speed up the process with many outlets in your life. My outlets in the past were always exercise, food, and drinking. I have been working on balancing how to release and that includes talking, connecting with people, meditation, sniffing essential oils, any kind of physical exercise, any kind of music or art, positive thoughts, and a lot of deep breathing. These all seem to do the trick for me. It’s kinda like poop. You eat/absorb food into your body then it has to come out! The perfect S shaped poop is what Dr. Oz says is healthy. In comparison, we soak up life and thoughts and beliefs and perceptions , our body digests and spits out the reaction through emotion. Hopefully most of the time we have that perfect S-emotion which we can think of as happy or joyful feelings instead of negative or sad or angry or depressed emotions. I am finding now that I am actually tuned into my emotions and aware that is half the battle and I just let them come and go as they please cuz you can’t control em. Today however they are more of the S-emotions with some sad ones sprinkled here and there… life continues and we get on board the ships and keep sailing along… waiting to get to the next destination in life. We ride the waves and hopefully can learn how to slow down and enjoy the journey, take the contrast in life and grow from it, steer the ship with ease by becoming our best self, and become brilliant creators and receivers of the life we desire. Thx for listening once again to my cancer chronicles.... Tami xo  “Everything is ok. Everything is always working out for me. Everything is always working out for you. Everything is always working out for us. We are pure positive energy. We are love.” - Tami Words can be supportive and powerful. Action can be fulfilling and transformative. Stillness can be peaceful and rejuvenating. Quiet can be clarifying. When we choose to tell the truth, be kind, and lead with love, only then can we truly be leaders. Being tuned into one’s SELF is the best gift we can give and the most impactful and fulfilling. Through my cancer evolution these past 3 years I have seen, been, and witnessed within myself and many others the power we really have once we “get right” with ourselves. I see the answer clearly and it is always learning to truly love ourself and believe in ourself... no matter what. #truth is about being your most authentic self. It is about feeling happy and letting all the good stuff in without getting in our own ways. I think everybody is always doing the best they know how at every moment in time. I always wish for everybody to get along. I always wish for everyone to accept one another. I always wish that we all show each other love no matter what. I always wish that we continue to expand ourselves and grow and learn with one another. #beingkind is something we cannot afford to not do in this lifetime. These acts of kindness include forgiveness of others and self, compassion to all, letting all speak, listening to one another, and creating peace and harmony amongst each other. We are born kind and when life takes over and we get sucked into a dark space it is in our best interest to still be kind and rise to the top by being kind. Then we all rise. #love is the most precious gift you can give anyone no matter what. It has the most longevity and feels the best on too. It creates worlds of kindness and truth. Love wins hands down every single time even if it doesn’t look like it right away. Feel your way to love and see how life changes. See how you can develop yourself as a human and grow into 100% truth, kindness, and love. Once you care about your feelings and aim for love then life is it’s best and you are on your way to the best life and the best you and will attract it’s alikeness. “Choose love in every moment in time. Contrast in life only pushes us all to expand as humans and a human race. Embrace contrast and love it’s gift of expansion. Love in the midst of dark contrast is a sign of #truth, #beingkind, and #truelove. Only then will you know you've got it when you can continue this positive momentum and truly leave a mark that is embraced by all. My greatest gift would be to truly embrace these words I write, believe them, live them, and love them into existence before it is my time to leave this body. Please join me in "getting right " with our selves so we can all feel like winners!“ - Tami xo - thx for listening |
