Blog Archives

12/14/2017

keep it 100

Read Now

ahhhhh this statement has sooooo many meanings for me that are truly relevant....

There is 1 thing that has remained the same within me probably since birth and I also heard it through the grapevine before...that....... i was a genuine person. Well, if I were to brag, I suppose this would be a quality that I would be proud to say out loud. I could interpret this on many different levels but I choose to think that it means that I exuded an aura that seemed truthful and honest. I am not saying I never told a lie or felt as though I were being dishonest, I am saying it meant I was being only what I knew how to be and that was real to the world. I think I probably have my parents to thank for this one. These past couple years have really tested the validity in these statements and I have dealt with taking a step back and considered the thought that perhaps this statement was not as true as I thought in regards to me and my life. I pouted about it for a while. I pondered on it for a while. I analyzed the sh++ out of it for a while. I doubted it for a while. I tried to fix me and go back to it for a while... until I figured out it was a combination of my body and my mind and my soul that were working cohesively together to formulate this #trueself. I finally understood me and how to work with all my pieces and put the puzzle together so it made sense and made me feel more complete. I had taken a bunch of diversions and just like MAPS re-routing and SIRI telling me to go this way go that way, I had to finally really listen to myself and look at the overview and take action instead of being told what to do and listening to all the peripheral. Perhaps everything was OK and I didn't have to FIX myself and all of THIS was just part of my process in living life. Sigh.... i feel kinda better.

As the days and nights passed these past few years I really fell into losses and gains of self-esteem, sense of self, and self worth. You could say that my SWAG was down, but that even got me thinking. SWAG is good? BUT it also represents for me the hip hop version of.... the struggle of... " insert whatever ur own personal struggles are". I have to struggle and feel like sh++to win? wtf? I started to really doubt this whole hip hop struggle definition thing. Life had taken a HUGE turn for me on many levels and things were seemingly crumbling. So many hits and punches and gouges and kicks and swipes and daggers and tackles that I was weary and bruised on all levels. YES as I have said many times before, brought on by myself because I am in charge of me and I make my own choices. No one to blame but me. #keepinit100 came down to who i surrounded myself with each day. ME! SH++!! Lies told to ourselves are probably the worst lies in my opinion. They hold you back from life and being you. You cannot walk away from yourself. I am not saying I lied to myself all the time but YES there were times I did not want to see or exist or be in the truth of the matter. You could say I schooled my own self at REALLY being #100. Stepping out from all the darkness into all the lightness had extreme effects on my validity and clarity and vision of myself, life, people, places, and things. I started to learn how NOT to be the victim, how NOT to blame others, how NOT to feel guilty for my likes and dislikes and feelings, and HOW to reach and turn towards POSITIVE emotions and feelings. I have now GAINED SO MUCH from this apparent step back. I am no longer struggling. Just keepin' it 100.

I had always prided myself on #keepinit100 meaning GIVING it ALL you GOT no matter the scenario. I am competitive by nature so If I was challenged, I rose. If I was asked a question , I answered as honestly as I knew how. I wear my heart on my sleeve and didn't know HOW to be untruthful with my voice and actions. WELL, I had a lot of categories to work on in #keepinit100. This means I was having a hard time connecting with myself and believing in myself and living truth. Learning how to follow what feels good from the inside and cut off the negative momentum was tricky for me. I had to just bust down the wall like the hulk or kool-aid man and go for it in certain circumstances. It took many scenarios to get it right but I continued to practice over and over. I took a gymnastics class this past year a few times and boy was I #hulk with it! Proof in the pudding that yes you can throw down at any age. I might not have bounced back as quick as a 20yr old but my amateur skill level still remained in some capacity. That is the 100 in the pudding. Not looking for the best out there but the BEST in YOU. Gymnastics was just an example for me to push forward no matter what.

Lastly, the most enlightening thing I think about my #100 discoveries these past couple years is that it is really nice to get high on life. Sounds cheesy, but it is a TON more fun and feel good and happy and blissful and fulfilling than any drug or alcohol or sex or shopping or addiction out there! PLUS you wake up with no hangover, you still got money, you feel awesome about yourself and you are all in tact ready for the day! You don't feel crazy or have doubts or wonder if you said or did something stupid and you don't feel depressed or sad or feeling the lack of... ?. #100proof insulates that feeling of happiness and joy of life. The joy of being with people and connecting with people. The joy of feeling peace and confidence to get through the next day. The courage to push forward and let in those good feeling dreams and wishes. The everlasting process of getting in alignment only to get out of alignment so you can get in alignment again and keep enjoying the process.... ahh life is so easy but complex... ya feel me? ...#keepit100

Comments

12/7/2017

stress be gone!

Comments

Read Now

Wow! Everything seems to be such a learning process with me. I can't speak for everyone, I just know my own experiences so I will not even try to analyze and say I am helping others at this point in time. Eventually. Now is my time to chill, lay low, gain and maintain health, observe, gain clarity, be quiet and meditate, educate myself and sponge up what I can! I was reading and watching all my blogs recently and I really can't believe that I was diagnosed with Cancer 2 years ago. I have stomped, glided, tip toed, sprinted, jogged, slow walked, and walked over seemingly hot coals during this whole journey. The art of letting go has been a process that proved to be extra challenging and painful. I am not sure I even have everything down pat but I have learned THAT is the perfection in everything. I have turned from Perfectionista to InTheMomentista! My most improved "areas" would probably be listening to others instead of just hearing and still making my own decisions based on the authentic me, feeling all of my emotions instead of avoiding them, cutting off negative thoughts and turning the negative momentum around to the direction that feels better, really feeling grateful and giving thanks and appreciation every day, being open and expansive enough to really receive the daily gifts that are present, and giving and feeling love more than ever! I am currently working on getting and staying in alignment in accordance with the universal laws and the law of attraction.

I dig Abraham Hicks and I love the soothing voice of Deepak Chopra. I love my humidifier on full blast in the winter season and I love wearing winter hats and fluffy scarfs. You could say I am fully prepared for this mid-west hibernational winter season. I am determined NOT to get the winter blues and to come out swingin' this Spring season. I feel my transformation hitting it's peak and I am definitely shooting rockets outta my pockets. I knew it was coming. I felt it. I saw it. I kept the flashes of pictures in my mind “at bay” and chose to keep my heart nestled in loyalty, commitment, and discipline. I feel proud of what I have accomplished. It has been a torturous but very enlightening year and I wouldn’t change it for anything because it has propelled me in the direction that feels better. I am okay with saying that I have been through countless hours of therapy and hypnotherapy and meditation. They have all been super power tools to really help me move forward into happiness. I can understand myself much better and work with myself each day on how to encounter the day and make life feel really great! I cherish all the moments I get with loved ones no matter what is going on in my life and I know that this is where I am meant to be, I can feel the sun shining down even brighter and it even feels different to walk around and see everything each day.

I mention all these things because it has taken me the CONTRAST of this to get to this point in my life. It has taken self-inflicted STRESS on many levels. I knew the word stress and put it in the category of feeling kinda chaotic. Well I have been living most of the parts of my life in stress. I didn’t realize it. I knew it was part of the health paradigm but did not realize that is was a MAJOR component of HOW we get sick. I will even take it a step further and say that I believe that STRESS has played a major role in WHY I was diagnosed with breast cancer in the first place. It got me thinking really what is stress. Unresolved emotions, conflict, squashed emotions, tragedies, traumatic situations, divorces, deaths, lying, cheating, chemical dependencies, addictions, lack of communication, negative words and perceptions, etc, etc , etc. I am sure we can all come up with some kind of list for ourselves. Point is, I never really attributed this to anything but just feeling bad and not really knowing what to do. I had NO IDEA that these things were so dysfunctional in me and were taking such a toll on me. I believed struggling was what I needed to get ahead in life and I wasn’t getting anywhere very fast so obviously this cannot be true. I think we experience dark to guide us to the light but I don’t believe we need to continuously live in these perpetual cycles of doom and gloom like a victim.

I had stressed myself into sickness and no I don’t think I just got cancer on a whim and it is just a sad story. I am sure there will be people that strongly disagree. I have really thought long and hard about this topic and believe 100% that we bring upon our own sickness according to the way we live or the way our parents/family lived, the environments we surround ourselves with, the people we surround ourselves with, how we deal with things, what we think and believe and how we use our emotions, how we operate day to day and cope with life and maneuver through it all. That is me taking responsibility for me and my life 100%. I am not saying that I deserve cancer but I am saying that I acknowledge the possibilities of getting myself out of this mess according to what I believe about health. I am not saying that traditional or western or alternative medicine is right or wrong. I believe there is a time and place for all of it to be helpful in some capacity. I have spent the last 2 years researching how to make myself better. I have studied and achieved 4 different certifications in health coaching. I have watched countless video and documentaries, I have read books, I have listened to oodles of audio, I have participated in self-help workshops, been to meditation courses, seen shamans and energy workers and therapists and doctors and chiropractors and masseuses. Have they all helped in some capacity? Yes. Point is, if I am looking to heal myself we need to get to the root cause of things and deal with it, otherwise we can do all these healing modalities and the issue will keep creeping back and creeping back and creeping back.We can’t mask it with meds or alcohol or shopping or sex or whatever your vice of choice is and expect it to go away or never come back. So Calgon take me away…. unless you have lots of chemicals…. And THEN we can meditate on what is stressing me so I can gain clarity and peace and be the most authentic and healthy version of me. Stress be gone!

Thx for reading and listening and caring.

Tami xo