Over 20 years ago I was magically aligned with a little girl who had cancer. I was her fitness and dance coach. At the time, I had a premonition that this cancer was preparation for something in my future. I don’t know how to explain it better than it was just a thought, nothing more. When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in April of 2015 I thought oh, here we go , this is it. Then when I was diagnosed in September of 2015, I thought , ok this was not planned and this is surprising and in true fashion my sister went first. If you have followed my cancer journey, you know I have thought long and hard about this situation and done lots of self healing. Yes it has worked. I believe so. My breast cancer remains stationary and that is a good enough Victory for me to feel comfortable and solid in my decision and path. I also understand it is not comfortable for everyone else. I am ok with that. We are all doing the best we can. So the journey continues, my mom who has been my most angelic supporter and best friend often time punching board and “Tami believer” has now been diagnosed with ovarian cancer September of 2018…. Yes my sister and I are like WTF!! I sit here at the computer trying to get out my emotions cuz that is what my psychotherapist step mother says I need to do. So that is what I am doing. Expressing myself in a way that is comfortable this week.
Part of me feels like I am at the beginning of my journey again. Part of me feels sad. Part of me feels like I just wanna sit on my couch with my cat and cry. Part of me feels hopeful. Part of me feels a bit fearful. Part of me feels peaceful. Part of me feels this is more contrast to push me even more towards bliss. Part of me feels very deeply connected to my mom and sister. I understand health in a different way than I did 3 years ago and that is helping me grasp this new situation with a bit more peace and confidence. I feel like solitude is much more comforting at this point. It feels more at ease. I am collecting myself and seeking my answers and clarity with meditation and really digging deep again into who I really am and my beliefs and perceptions. Is this a test? To see how far I have come? To see how far WE have come?
When I was in hypnotherapy I imagined and would set my sessions up with “calling in the team”. It became the lighthearted joke, ok Tami “call in the team”. I called upon my mothers, my sisters, my dad, my grandma, my nana, my aunt, and sometimes my girlfriends into each session. The visual was basically me and my team that would march into each situation and I knew that they had my back so I felt much stronger to tackle whatever was needed. It was an extension of universe and source and how we are all connected. How we all can impact each other and magically support each other with just a thought. SO I am calling in team for my mom. The team of people and spirits that can help support my mom on HER journey. The more the merrier because my mom looooves to be social and hang around people. She is the social butterfly in the family… well my sister likes to as well… and I like it to some extent in the right moments. This TEAM I believe is why our family is on this particular leg of what is now our family journey. The belief in humanity and belief in ourselves is in the forefront of my own mind. The beliefs that we need to carry on blissfully and that everything is really ok. The belief that everything is always working out for each of us. That is how I carry on and what I tap into to get through these times. The difference NOW is that I really feel and believe this part of the story. My own personal cancer journey has taught me the infinite belief in myself and the spirt of who I am and why I am here. I know for sure that everything is ok. I travel with the TEAM every day and keep them close to my heart. I keep my angel coin close to remind me that the universe got our backs. I know everything is working out for us no matter what. We don't need to dissect and figure it out but to allow in and receive whatever gifts are arising and being passed to us at each moment in time.
Perhaps written words will help call in the team. Perhaps just my thoughts are strong enough to call in the team. Perhaps the addition of your thoughts are also enough of an addition to move this situation in a direction that permits mom to stay and enjoy life that feels good. Perhaps it is only my moms thoughts that will call in the team. My mom is lively and joyful and DEFINITELY someone you would want on your team. WE are in a good place because of what the last 3 years have showed us in this family journey. MOM is in a good place because she loves to follow and support and experience EVERYTHING her daughters experience and is always 1 step ahead of us. Of course she is super organized and has everything planned out and organized and scheduled in a lovely fashionable order. I told my mom I was gonna start calling her Judy (her name) so she would concentrate on herself instead of her daughters and grandkids. She bluntly told me she preferred glamma and mom. So that’s what we’re working with! A strong headed german descent healthy livin’ smiley and very direct mother and professional that seems to get through everything with flying colors. So I have no doubt everything is ok. It’s getting through these damn humanistic emotions!!
So cheers to my mommy and cheers to the next glass of wine we will share at one of her house parties! Please grab your drink of choice and cheers my mom, send her even more positive vibes, think shiny and purple visions (her favorite color). Life is good and we are all on Judy’s TEAM!! Love you mom!
Send a message to my mom here.. https://www.facebook.com/judy.herbst1
3 years but who’s counting? I am! I wish I wasn’t but it is only natural. I have had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I have felt the most love from individuals and the least of love from individuals. When you change, you see and feel and react to things much differently. I am so thankful for clarity. Even if it’s only my clarity and no-one else believes it, it is my clarity and I am fine with that. It is so true that once you decide to stop caring what everyone else thinks, you can then truly embrace yourself and move forward. It doesn’t mean you don’t listen or care about others, it just means you are tuned in to yourself and value what you want and feel first and foremost. It means you check in with yourself first and see if you are still being true to yourself. The more grounded and clear you are about yourself, the more helpful you can really be to others and the world. If you deplete yourself THEN you don't have the best of you to give. You must have yourself in check with lots of self-love and understand your self- worth so you CAN shine and trust in yourself NOT to look to others for answers or love or approval. We are all human so we all have sought approval and love from others rather than ourselves in some capacity. It's only natural. I did it for many years and it got me nowhere. It got me dysfunction and living life aesthetically instead of really searching inside myself for guidance and answers. So glad that’s over!
3 years seems like a lot but it also seems short. I really can’t believe where I am at in this lifetime and what my possibilities are for the rest of life. I just shake my head in disbelief each day and focus on starting each day with delight RATHER than the pressure and stress and not feeling good that existed in the past. My furry friend Van the cat & some meditation lead me into happy & appreciation each and every day. They say pets are good for us and I agree. Van is the bestest cat ever and I can’t believe he is still here protecting me and keeping me in good spirits. I truly believe that is his purpose. If you know Van, you know he has toxoplasma in his brain, which means he has a parasite in his brain. It has effected his nervous system and he is off balance a lot and has a right arm that is atrophied and has a pee problem. He has remained in good spirits and functional for over 10 years. He is truly a star spirit and has shown me how to just keep going and lead with love. He shows me unconditional love every day and I change his pee pads for him each day because I also love him too.
3 years was not what I was originally thinking. I remember giving myself a year to knock this journey out and get it together. I had no idea this would extend into a lifetime commitment. I did know I had to sift through a bunch of life stuff ,but, I had no idea exactly how to do it or what it would feel like or look like or really what I needed to sift through to be honest. I had no idea that my life needed to break and I needed to have breakthroughs. I had no idea I needed to end certain relationships and start new relationships. I had no idea I would still have crappy days and not feel like anything had changed at all. I had no idea that I would still question myself and my decisions. I had no idea that I would talk to so many people that said they follow my blog. I had no idea I would find new joyful friends and endeavors that think the same way and like some of the same things. I had no idea I could feel such ease and joy and happiness. I had no idea sunshines and rainfalls looked and felt the way they do. I had no idea that coffee or tea in the morning was such a blissful feeling. I had no idea that everything is really not a big deal at all and everything is ok. I had no idea that I could just ignore everything and just be me and go about my day. I had no idea that I could find a way to eat broccoli every day and it doesn’t suck.
3 years is what it took to heal myself. I consider myself a true case of natural healing from cancer. My marker would be thermography. To date nothing has spread and that for me is a victory. I am going to guess that this will never be a way to see IF cancer still exists unless I do another biopsy or have surgery… for what? To prove to everyone that I don’t have cancer? Part of my journey has been to be me, make my own decisions, take in info and be an advocate for myself, do what feels best, believe in my self and my worthiness, trust my self, be ok with what I decide for myself because nobody else is living my life except me, and be ok with me and not let other peoples emotions and opinions and perceptions and beliefs influence what I feel is best for me. It took me a REALLY long time to even understand these ideas and concepts. I have embraced cancer as my friend and it has helped me heal myself. To some I may look like a fool and I am ok with that, better to feel a bit foolish than have death knocking on your door or live a life that does not feel good. To some I may look inspirational, I can’t quite digest that notion, but I am ok with that too if it helps others. To some I have played roulette with my life and I am TOTALLY ok with that one cuz I love challenges and have always been a risk taker. To be totally honest, If I live a long and happy life, then I feel I have done my job at being of service. Even if I die of cancer one day I will still feel that I had the best healing modalities in place. I will feel that I did my best and that I truly was able to not only enhance my life, but to drastically change around what was to what is and attained the abilities to understand myself to an extent that connected me deeply with myself and others in this lifetime. I believe I will pass out of this body and still exist in the energies that float amongst this world and life and I am so happy that I will be able to also connect with people lifetime after lifetime.
3 years has given me the gift of unconditional love and a life that has no rules or regulations and it FEELS SO AWESOME! Just imagine what 3 more years can do for me! So excited for 3 more years! So excited for 3 more years! So excited for 3 more years! THANK YOU 3 YEARS!!!! #watchmefly has been my motto and it has been a pleasure trying to fulfill that motto.
the journey continues....
thx for following and reading and caring-
I’ve been feeling lighter, kinda floaty feeling, sometimes even light-headed. I wondered if something was wrong. I have some appointments coming up and perhaps I am focused on what the outcome could be. I still feel myself straying a bit from new Tami thoughts and perceptions and beliefs and encountering thoughts of the old but then asking myself why am I going back to those ideas. I guess it’s a part of really growing into your own and standing up tall to what you are and what you beez! I see many pictures that represent growth and change and expansion. I still have to pump myself up each week in some capacity to keep going and keep expanding and keep myself enjoying the journey to the manifestations of what I really want and desire. I think I am feeling the “slow down” and “in the momentness” that was missing all these years. That is my only explanation on how I am FEELING these days.
Emotions and Feelings are new discoveries and new ways of being and experiencing life for me. If you are just catching up with my #cancerjourney then please note that the mind-body-soul connection was a real struggle for me all these years and contributed to my poor health. This has been the bulk of my transformation and self healing. I am winds beyond where I was and winds just out there floating around now. It’s amazing how time, choices, retraining the brain, and directing your energies can make such a huge impact on ones life. On my worst days I find myself meditating and sleeping more. On my best days I have the best interactions with people and displays of who I really am from the inside out. I can walk outside and sometimes almost feel levitational and just more or less a spec on this earth floating around. I can be on stage and feel like a beam of light that is just bouncing around enjoying the atmosphere. I can be at home and feel comforted and sometimes alone and yet feel all encompassed by the universe. I grab my angel coin and remember that the universe got my back. I remember that we are all connected and part of the same energy source and realize I am in the comforts of a home I bought and essentially built for myself based on what I need and want to keep me expanding in this lifetime. I remember that this is my reality and I can create whatever I want.
I have always enjoyed being outside BUT this is more like I just enjoy seeing mother nature and it’s beauty. I feel appreciative, grateful, in awe, like a tiny spec, at ease, love, and special all in the same moment. I travel through each day wondering what I will encounter. I think about what I want and what feels good and hope that I am vibrating that same notion and hope that is what I am attracting and vibrating all in the same note. When I encounter certain moments before I meet with a person at the gym or have to be on stage I find myself visualizing and asking and dreaming and creating a fast forward moment that feels good and will be positive and light bearing and easy and free. I hear myself saying the best words and the best pitch and energy that encapsulates what I think is best in that moment in time. THEN I think in that moment right before it’s “to happen” that the universe got my back and everything is okay and whatever happens is ok and is meant to be for now. I actually can see the situation ahead of time and to date if I am having an extra connected day it actually turns out to be what I projected ahead of time. It’s amazing. I think this is part of law of attraction and HOW we can create our own life. I might be getting to whacky for some, but this is what is going on these days OR I am just going crazy. Not sure. I guess both options are possibilities. Either way, if I am crazy, I like being crazy more than what life was before cancer. Thanks Life. Thanks Universe. Thanks Source. Thanks Friends. Thanks Family. Thanks Mother Nature. Thanks to who I have the possibility and capability of being.
Thx for listening and Thx for caring.