Seeing life from different colored glasses has sure been helpful. It doesn't happen overnight, but imagine if you could change the way you feel and think? That is part of the self-help stuff I have been working on week after week. I always thought I was pretty smart when it came to relating to people and having a unique intuition and putting myself in other peoples shoes. I was, but not nearly as much as I thought I was. I am learning to say I don't know and that's ok. No more time for trying to be right and feeling the need to prove myself. What was I doing and thinking? I completely wasted time and energy on this for many years. It steered a part of my life and created fear for no reason. I think my new motto in this realm is "who cares". Not that i don't care about anything, but as soon as you truly stop caring about being right or needing to have the correct answer or feeling the need to prove yourself, you are living a more fruitful and free life. I am sure this could be applicable for many pressures we put on ourselves.
We have learned and soaked in all the stuff from the past and we are here now. Everyone does the best they can at every moment in time. This is not time for the blame game. We have to be responsible for ourselves. We come to forks in the road and/or have moments of cloudiness, and/or act in certain ways that are displeasing to our soul. What do we do? Ride it out and let the emotion pass and keep doing what we are doing? Well let me tell you that is what I had been doing the past 10 years and it didn't work out so well. But if I put my yellow sunshine glasses on I can also say in the same breath that yes it got me here and I am starting to see and feel positive changes. In my house, nowadays these ideas are rumbling loudly... The idea that everything happens for a reason. The idea that what you put out is what you get back. The idea of taking charge of your own life and self. The idea of taking responsibility for your actions, words, and decisions. I call this Karma. I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation but it is fun to think about it. I think of Karma as the whole process of living life, learning life, learning about yourself, and taking strides to create the best version of yourself along the way. We all know it has it's ups and downs and when those downs are showing up repetitively in our lives, we can use it as a sign that something needs to change. This calls for self awareness.
If we cannot take a look at ourselves and help and treat ourselves in a loving manner then the world will never change. We will never change. We will never be free. We will never be truly happy. We will be stuck and stuck in " groundhog days". That is what I am happily moving out of and understanding. I thought I was self aware, but I had on some big a++ blinders. I made excuses and beat myself up and continued unhealthy patterns knowing it was not getting me where I wanted to be in life. I think a zombie took over my life for a hot minute. Well, lots of hot minutes. It's kind of awesome though because when you have your realizations and aha moments you start to change you, which then leaves room to create a new you, which then leaves room to create a new day, which then leaves room to create a new life, which then leaves room to really start to help create a new world. It really is a simple process that seems so complex. It's kinda like when I was telling my mom what I was using to clean my sink countertop nowadays. I was the queen of cleaning and would get out the bleach and tilex and mr. clean and windex, and soak up the toxic chemical fumes cause I just really wanted the house to be clean. That is what I knew. Then cancer came and after I learned and investigated about toxic chemicals, I changed. I also had to learn that the "New" clean smell around the house was actually clean. It was no longer the chemical and fragrance that were in all the cleaning bottles. So my answer to my mother was.... "i used soap and water". Who woulda thunk that the old fashioned soap and water would get my countertop just as clean. A simple solution. The lesson for me is that I got sucked up in all these modern day "fix its" and it was contributing to my life in very negative ways. We want everything quick and fast and a magic pill. It seems as though long gone are the days when you actually take the long route that is solid, trustworthy, proven to work, and often the journey of it is the fun part that adds to feeling fulfilled and complete. All you have to do is let yourself.....
I am getting off point here so let's recap. We are all wonderful human beings. We made it here alive and we ARE here for a REASON. So what is yours? What will you do with you? What will you do with your life? How will you contribute? Point is we may be lost a bit sometimes but it is possible to find the way. It just takes old fashioned effort and time. Imagine that. Envision a new you and a new life. What does it look and feel like? Now make a plan and try to start moving forward. Start with creating a great you!
More heavy stuff alert....
#watchmefly was purposefully named so I had a catch phrase to motivate myself to keep moving forward through this journey. As you know I like mottos and this one was specifically made for me. As I move week to week and fall into some lulls and travel over the bumps and cracks and crevices and potholes and ditches and mountains and rivers and forests and woods and... you get the picture. I know I am not red riding hood but dang i sure feel like it right now. So as I travel this journey and embark on the emotional side, the really important side for me, I find motivation in people who tell me to "keep going" and "you got this" and "you're an inspiration". To be honest, right now that is the only reason I write. I really feel like I don't have a lot to say, but I am assuming if people are saying this, that means someone is listening and my words may help someone else. I have a lot on my mind on how I want to use my experiences BUT i have to get out of this emotional water well 1st. I figured I would elaborate a bit on what I mean by emotional part and the self-help stuff that I have talked about in previous blogs. As i figure my own self out, it has really helped me understand some missing pieces and how to explain them to people. The part I am most excited about is when I will get the chance to really be one-on-one with a new client who is struggling with their fitness and/or health. I will now have some magical answers on that 3rd part of health & fitness that many people miss. I have seen many people achieve fitness levels and weight loss and perfect health. I have also seen the mundane and depressed and defeated look of people who struggle to battle their emotional issues. It holds them back and it holds them prisoner from being and doing what they want. I am your prototype. I have been through it. I have started to heal. I have seen the results. I have turned tragedy into triumph. I have turned sour relationships into thriving ones. I have battled my own demons to get to that happy place. I am happy to say IT IS POSSIBLE. I am also here to say for me, IT IS VERY HARD TO DO. It takes 100% commitment and the decision to move in that direction. It takes Bravery and it takes people who surround you the willingness to hear you out and work with you.
I think I picked up on self-help books from my mother. I remember her reading many books by her bedside when I was growing up. I also remember my parents going to marriage encounter before they were divorced. I remember them sending me to a therapist as well. Ironically, guess what, guess what we talked about? EMOTIONS! I don't remember how many times we met, but now that I think about it, I wonder if that money was well spent? :) I am definitely pro- therapist and having a person to " talk it out" with. I think it is an important part of health. BUT in true Tami style I did this recent revolution by myself. I read, I watched, I investigated, I researched, I went to trainings, I did online courses, I wrote things out, I meditated, AND I am STILL doing all this. I am by no means done. I think it will be important to keep doing the do, just like i need to keep doing the food, fitness, non-toxic products, etc. This is a lifestyle and a lifetime commitment. I think over time I will ease up and be able to let go of the reigns a bit, but for now, they are tight.
I started when I was in my late 20's. I had my first transformation and it was a doozy. I lost my college weight, got more active, and bought every book and audiobook by Iyanla Vanzant. I was in a super crappy and confusing relationship. For 1 full year I woke up in tears and chugged through the day. I remember this chunk of time in my life was me figuring out what to do with my life and how to build back a positive self-esteem. I was unhappy with every aspect of life. I was fortunate to have a job that eventually fizzled down to 3/4 time, then p/time, then 1/4 time. It afforded me the opportunity and confidence to really start paving my way through life. I would have to give a special thanks to A-Z Entertainment and the 2 Howard's who were at the helm of my 1st metamorphosis. Thank you. I was able to start pursing teaching, fitness, and music which eventually morphed into my new full-time job. I thought I had my sh++ together. Nope. Little did I know at the time, as soon as you think everything is good, you get another lesson and life takes over again. This has remained true and a constant ever since.
My 2nd transformation was in my 30's. It involved getting my finances together. It blew chunks and I hated EVERY minute of it and at the time I am sure I cursed my mother under my breath over and over. Yes my mother was at the helm of this one. Also, my aunt was her sidekick, so aunt Jan probably got some foul language from me as well. I was in a deep financial well that had spawned from College. Holy crap. Who would have known that when credit cards came out and they started sending them to all people like water that it would create a world of gloom and doom for many. Not to mention college loans that take FOREVER to pay off. Interest rate city and the never-ending balances that would not go away. Hard lessons learned on how to juggle your money, plan accordingly, cut back on spending, start a savings, pay off debt strategically, and how to start increasing your own income. I dug into my 2nd BIG batch of self-help with Suzie Orman. She was my screensaver. Yes people made fun of me. I didn't care, I said I was on a mission and guess what, it worked!!
My 3rd BIGGIE BIGGIE BIGGIE can't you see transformation, well right now! Cancer happened. It woke my a++ up in ways I never thought. To date it is the biggest and most helpful transformation. This one, I am personally at the helm, and that has been really important. I thought I was a pretty confident and balanced person. I just personally kicked my own a++ with self-help and right now I am in the growth stage, the rest stage, just like after you have an intense fitness workout. You peeps are my protein, thx! You are super tasty and I love you! I think I needed the experience of putting in the time and work and trusting in myself to get it done and be and feel successful. I guess this all happened for a reason. I look back over the last year and see so much change in myself. Parts are visible and parts you may feel, and some parts not so obvious. But I know all i have done, seen and become and that is the important part right now. You know things have changed when you see and witness people and situations that were your "old ways" and you wanna stop them and warn them. But everyone has their own path. Mine was only for me. I trust that everyone is doing as best they can at every moment in time. My last famous motto... it is what it is. I cannot force me, my and mine on others. It has to be organic. Yes my food has to be organic as well. :)
I remember when I started this journey thinking this is gonna be challenging. I was right. When I started educating myself on all the gazillion things I could be doing to be healthier, I thought holy crap I am gonna have to Dig really Deep on this one. I am gonna have to be an advocate for myself. I am gonna have to put on my blinders and ear plugs at times to get through the days. I am gonna have to let go of every single thing I breathed, ate, consumed, used, wore, believed, spoke, heard, and saw in order to start fresh and create a new life and a new me. I know there are people who don't understand or don't believe. I understand. But what would you do if you had cancer? I went from a decision to whack off my boobs to a decision to NOT do the norm. I choose to use and believe some things that some call quackery and claim there is no evidence or statistics or solid doctor proof. Right now, in the words of Charlie Sheen..... " I AM WINNING". I really feel this way. I have gained so much life from my research and experiences and changes. I believe I could very well keep living organically and never have surgery or radiation or tamoxifen or chemotherapy and live a full and happy life. My cancer could stay put and never spread because of my lifestyle changes. My MISSION... to spread the word on the POSSIBILITY.
Thx for listening. Tami xo
Today I was tossing and turning thinking about what to write on my #watchmefly blog. It has been 2 months since my last blog and honestly I have been unsure what and when to write. I want to share. I want to help. I want to heal. Those were the only things I could come up with in the past months and it just didn't seem like enough. I needed a subject, a thing that happened, an aha moment, a focus on what to write. People are asking, "how are you doing?", I say I am doing well thanks for asking. That is the truth, however, honestly I just want to say I feel like shit and this part of the journey SUCKS big time but I regress because I don't want to be anyone's debbie downer and I know what I am doing is all for the good. There, I got it out. This is my focus today in my journey. Release.
If you are just joining my journey or have not read through all my blogs since the beginning of time almost a year ago, let me catch you up with a quick summary. I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year ago. I chose to heal myself naturally. I still have the "version" of cancer that I started with, which is a very low-grade type. I have made tremendous strides instituting "everything healthy into my life" and "ridding what is not healthy". I feel good about my decisions and progress. I am ok and currently successfully living with cancer. I am at a turning point. That turning point is.... trying to be OK with being OK based on choices and decisions that I make to live the type of life I want to live. Being OK for me means NOT waking up every morning with any depression, sadness, anger, hatred, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, feeling suppression, and trying not to judge myself and/or others.
I am wandering aimlessly right now in this journey. It feels like God came along, picked me up by the hair out of my house, plopped me in the middle of another country without any clothes, then said go ahead start living. As i looked with fear into his eyes I realized all i had with me was my memory. Really think through this scenario, let's dissect it shall we? a- you are naked, how embarrassing, b- you have no food or shelter and have to fend for yourself, c- you don't know the language and need to figure out how to communicate to get what you need, c- you are merely fighting to create a life and stay alive. Yup, that is how I have been feeling about my journey. I also have another scenario to keep it fresh and interesting. I feel like I am on Celebrity Apprentice but this version is a bit different. In this scenario Donald Trump said " Tami, you have cancer and I want you to raise 5 billion dollars as fast as you can and figure out how to heal yourself and the world". Several times at the end of each task check-in he said "you're fired!" but in this version I never left, I said f*** you i am staying and figuring this out! In this blog, as I am typing this out, I am realizing these are choices I have made and thoughts I chose to focus on and this is why I am feeling the way I am. Another Aha moment! Thx! I knew sharing my story was also healing so you are my witness now. Trust me, this NEVER ends when you seek to continuously grow and change, and truthfully I want to keep evolving and growing and changing for the better. I asked for it and now I am smack dab in the middle of what I asked for.... :0 Change. Growth. A healthier mind. A healthier body. A healthier life. The will to do it.
This natural healing stuff is not just about eating maitake mushrooms, drinking essiac tea, using essential oils, making your own detergents, yoga & meditation, etc....... for me, It is about utilizing this huge RED FLAG that appears in your life, taking it by the bull horns, trusting and believing in yourself, making decisions to better yourself and your life, giving , living, and enjoying what is right in front and around you at every moment in time. My HUUUGE mistake has been drinking, eating, shopping, and watching movies & tv to help all the emotions dissipate and feel nothing except "full" of/on these vices. Why? to be honest i don't know why. But I know I was doing it, I know it wasn't healthy, I know it contributed to where I am now. I also used fitness as a means to balance me out and my only freedom of expression was on stage. Holy crap. I cannot believe I figured that out all by myself. I am amazed really. A few months ago I was feeling like there was still a huge chunk of something I needed to go through. Ladies and Gentlemen, the past 3 months have been torturous emotionally but i am still standing and in the end i see unicorns and rainbows. :) I have cooped up emotions from years of living and they are all coming out like Niagara falls. I have felt every emotion under the sun. I have been disgusted and angry and insecure and fearful and sad and agitated and unfulfilled. I have also felt happy, peaceful, relaxed, and fulfilled. What does this mean? I know I am changing and the self-help work I am continuously working on IS working!! I can look back and see the changes and feel the changes even though they are just now starting to flourish. I still feel lost without a compass, but I feel like I am living a better and happier life.
Thx for listening. I am cutting it here due to sharing too much heavy stuff at one time. :)