My hopes is you can envision yourself asking these same questions to yourself. It took me a while to really get these questions and to really see them and feel them and believe them and trust them and not stray. My quest in self-healing started years ago and I was entrusting only in words to “get it”. I lived life by reading positive quotes and self-help books and yes they were helpful in re-training my brain and planted positive seeds for myself BUT really putting yourself out there in “life” and participating and interacting and experiencing and feeling your way around, the PRESENT MOMENTNESS in every capacity, the rise the fall and in between moments, the goodness, the contrast, the journey of the manifestation, the laughter and joy, making yourself vulnerable, and everything else in between is REALLY what I am discovering helps lead us to bliss. When you can embrace the dark and realize it is NOT a bad thing BUT is something that contributes to helping build the best versions of ourselves and complete happiness and helps us fulfill all our desires. By dark I mean contrast in life, negative thoughts or habits, sad times in life, depression, poor health, anything basically that does NOT feel good. It can be short snippets of dark or longer periods of dark. It’s there to help us get ALL THE WAY UP. :)
My basic barometer in getting ALL THE WAY UP is shooting for the GOOD feeling at every moment in time. Yes some may think selfish, but that is perception, your own personal reality and NOT what soul/spirit is thinking about it. We are all soul/spirit and connected and all part of each other and when one is ALL THE WAY UP everyone else around them can also have that potential to BE ALL THE WAY UP too! When you feel good you are connected to soul/spirit and you are living the truest version of life. When you feel NOT good you are likely encountering ego action and reaction and getting sucked into thought that does not benefit you that has been looming around like the grim reaper forever and ever and it just won’t go away. Time to meditate and reel it in and get connected again people. :) It IS doable and it IS possible and life has so many possibilities that WHY would we not try to get and stay connected. May I remind you I am speaking from experience, not from something I read, and I totally realize that life kicks in now and then and all craziness enters our heads and this all goes out the door. IT’s that point in time that you should feel so FUCKING AWESOME when you realize it and realize what is happening and feel so blessed that you now know how to manage yourself back into the bliss that we all came here for… really. You then have experienced the ALL THE WAY UPness I am writing about. thx for caring and sharing and loving Tami xo  My best friend was a guitar player and is a great musician. I am an entertainer and have not fully embraced musicianship. I love and loved my friend. He has and had many great qualities and we often could smile and understand a feeling or thought perhaps we had about a person or situation. We were together for many years and I love and loved him so. He was my love. This was a chapter in my life. A long chapter. We are human and often had times not fully understanding each other. We are souls to the core of course and I believe we loved each other so and did the best we could and this chapter was just meant to end. Relationships can be confusing and when we are in transitional states I think it is even more confusing. My confusion was not being clear about myself. Letting go seemed impossible. My letting go process also involved people from my past that brought much pain and it is not meant for me to think about this anymore in this lifetime. Holding onto guilt, shame, and fear can feel very stoic and a bit grave. I chose to hold on to this for years. Thankfully, the more we expand ourselves we can do good and be good and feel good. I believe. A shitload of meditation, self-work, conscious living, living in the moment, and leading with love all the time started a snow ball effect of positivity. The grim reapers slowly dissipated and are essentially erased from my mind. Reiki and Shamans and Therapists and some recordings of Abraham Hicks about the law of attraction also did wonders! Thx! Saying and mottos keep me even-keeled , and this is one.... If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. In a frenzy state of mind this seems like a dream thought , I was this for many years. In a state of clarity, it seems totally logical. In a state of clarity you can just chill and let go and let things be. You will surprise your self on how you feel and start to navigate through life. Those clingy and needy affection reactions seem to dissipate and you seek love and affection from yourself WITHIN which is even more rewarding and long lasting. You can not attract love from another until you truly accept and love yourself. I know this seems simple and we have said it forever. If you REALLY explore your self and what YOU really are then I think life will feel really good. I am a fine example. I may not have my life and love from the past but the past is not reality and NOW is what matters. I love my life, all my friends and family and acquaintances and look forward to our intertwining ways from this moment on… thank you for being in my life. Painful relationships from a young age seemed hard to conquer. I think you become accustomed to how you feel and it ends up being the norm. You don't know any better and don't know how to make it better when you realize something doesn't feel good or right for you. You mature in a way that is dysfunctional and that is the norm. I suppose that is why we have therapists. In my case , Cancer, to help turn things around. Along with all the protocols and things I have done over the past 3 years, THIS is a big part of my healing and that is why I am sharing. These self-inflicted stresses of not knowing how to do any better were confusing but I guess that is what pushes us towards what we want to be and how he want to feel. Contrast is a part of life and I am thankful for contrast. Nowadays, life seems more complete, more feel good, easier, peaceful, and overall joyful. I think our humanness trips us up on how to exist and we hold on to egotistical ways. I have been sad, hurt and confused. I was another person. I was a soul that also continued and continues to love no matter what. Love is now top priority. I didn't know loving myself was priority and did not understand how to truly love myself first. I believe leading with love is also what leads us to serenity and a life that is good for each individual. Letting go a love of any capacity feels hard and terse and torturous. I have learned to let go in a more peaceful manner and move towards what feels good. It was hard to say goodbye. Goodbye my love. Goodbye my loves. Goodbye my past. Goodbye. For all that have been following my cancer journey... To date this letting go process and loving myself have been difficult and scary for me to share. It has been many layers I peeled back so I could understand myself better and start being compassionate towards myself and forgive. I feel like I turned into Tami the Explorer. I did not know that I have complete power over myself and that letting go could create such a sense of freedom. We are all human, we are all souls, we all have minds and egos and emotions and I believe in my heart that sharing all parts of my journey will be helpful in some capacity. There are no hidden agendas or messages, just truth about my own person. Thanks for following and caring about my journey. You are all in my thoughts. I am thankful to have family and friends and professionals to help mend my humanness. I truly am finally in love with life and have a clear vision of myself and what I mean to this world. I believe everything is always working out for all of us. I know we are ok. I have much love in my heart. Tami xo
I now realize that my contemplations in life, my “not taking sides” , my non-reactions, my lack of verbal or physical expression, my silences, my expressions of "seeing all sides”, are reflections of how I have lived my life independent of the perceptions and beliefs of most people and these are ways in which I was able to hold on to some sense of who I am throughout the years. These ways of mine were also used as a protective barrier from all that is out there that seems to coerse us in certain directions or ways and deviate us from where we really want to be.
Instead of beating myself up or stressing myself out on “what was”, “what I said”, “what I did”, “what I was”, “what they did”, “what they said”, “how I was treated”, etc, I focus on what I am and what I have been all along. What “I am” is now being released in a more prevalent manner and is easier for some to see and feel and receive, i think. :) Our minds and our ego's are like friends that we need to manage. I have heard that the human race is prone to think negative. If this is true, we got some big time management to do so our brains can think more positive. Collectively, if we all think about the messages we are sending when we act, react, put things in motion, or put things out there in the universe, then maybe together we can all start to help everyone feel and act their best. Just an idea. Food for thought. We stress ourselves out because of our thoughts and then react to our own realities. Everyone has a different reality. This is sure to be extra confusing to people and this mixed with lack of communication is a recipe for disaster. BUT! The good news is we can use this contrast! Contrast happens so we can be pushed towards where we really want to be. So we can choose to keep the negative ball rolling or stop and reverse it to the positive side and start rolling the other way. Then poof! Stress be gone! I have also learned we all bring stress to ourselves. It's really true. I didn't think it was at first. I thought things, people, and situations were stressing me out. Then I realized once I started transforming my own personal self a lot of this "stress" evaporated. We process and internalize in our own ways and often that leads to getting sucked into what we think other people think about us. We start to define ourselves based on all the chit chatter we pick up from the years from everything. If we are not yet strong in our "self" we develop unhealthy ways to cope. I think I have always had a strong urge to “be heard” and an instinct to “prove myself” and now I think i used them in really unhealthy ways “to be”. They were reactions to all the beliefs and perceptions I had about myself that had stacked up over the years. I know that not feeling love and not loving myself was the root cause of this human “disease”. I have my own theories and thoughts about “how I got this way” and it really encapsulates the time before we were born, mom and dad's own thoughts-perceptions-beliefs, what was passed on since conception, the years of other peoples thoughts-perceptions-beliefs and our environments marinated in our brains. All “the life happenings” we experience, and all the physical and environmental things we encounter along the way in this thing called life that is different for every human being. They all get marinated in our bodies and brains and then we have to gradually choose some bits and pieces based on what is really best for us and what feels good for us and move forward. Sometimes it just takes 1 person to break the cycles and start spreading the love. I think the moment we gain full strength and peace and confidence and worth within ourselves, the world around us changes and adapts. We are all different but all the same in one breath. We are all connected but all have our own journeys. We all shine, can shine, and I believe shine best together. When we are sad, hurt, depressed, confused, angry, jealous, feeling unbalanced or unsure, and start to act in ways that don’t feel good I take time to think of all these thoughts and just want it all to make more sense in my head.I want to be in tune enough to say something that can make everyone feel good and come to their deep connection with soul and just be love. I realize I can’t change things and can't control things and all I can do is be the love that I can be at each moment in time. That allows me to shine and also gives others the capacity to shine as well. This is what I know and believe to date. This is what I have learned. I don't know if it is the best way but it seems to be working. At times I get distracted and feel pulled in directions but am able to maintain these ideas in my self. I love my friends, my family, the human race, the animals, and all the souls, and just want this life to feel good for everyone. My hope is we all move towards these notions in this lifetime. This is what cancer has taught me to date. Peace and love. Tami xo Meaning where you at in life? What’s going on with you? How are you seeing things? What’s your perspective? What do you believe about yourself and others and life and the world? How do you fill your days and nights? Do you wake up and start the day negatively or positively? Do you create or react to your days? I think the human I love so much that answers these questions so explicitly in my brain, will be the next man in my life. It’s no longer love connection questions but really soul depth questions and finding out how deep another really is and how connected to soul they are and what they believe about people, themselves, and the world. Wooooow! THAT was OLD sounding but I will take it as OLD SOUL sound healing. It’s nice to see my sassy side reappear, But in a way that is much gentler to my soul. Sassy Tami has always been here and believe it or not she has been transforming and expanding too. SHE is still HERE and you know SHE is my LOVE who will remain FUN and the PARTY girl that I have grown to know and love. Loving your SELF means loving everything about you. The past, present , and future, the decisions, the reactions, the ways of being, the attitudes, the sassy sayings and thoughtful ways ALL encompass WHO you are and WHAT you embody as a human to get to where you want to be.
Nowadays, the Monday morning and every morning ritual is no longer what should I be, I need to be more successful, I need to make more money, I need to do more for others, I need to , I need to , I need to, everything a yucky feeling inside. INSTEAD, it’s how can I start my day off great and create the best feeling day ever! Often, I wake up 1 hr earlier than I need to start my actual schedule of a day , I meditate, listen to some affirmations or positive thinking videos, hang out with the cat, drink my 3 glasses of water, shower, put on my body oils, brush my hair , then check my email before leaving the door. Its’ a pretty good AM shift every day. Day by day and week by week my brain shifts more quickly into positive mode and what I am appreciative of rather than what was wrong and feeling not so good. My cancer journey lit a fire under my ass to figure out how the hell to feel better each day and you know what? I did it! That letting go process proved to be tough but well worth it. It also came down to relationships AND letting which go has been the hardest task for me this lifetime to date. It has always been hard for me to look at a situation and say out loud and admit to myself that it just was not the best feeling for me. Especially when other people are involved and I love them. My communication skills have slowly improved and hopefully the future holds soul to soul compassionate conversations that are loving and involved around doing what is best for the self and all parties involved. My non-confrontational attitude seemed to hinder me and really did not protect me from what was best. Now I know. Thx 45 years of relationship stuff. Glad to know the 2nd half will be more easy peasy. Taking things personal and being non-reactive proved to be very detrimental and not what was best. Negative thoughts about myself gathered from people, places, situations, things, environments seemed to also be vibrating and causing much angst for myself. Glad it’s over. Figured it out. On to the next thing. Tami really is kinda pretty and smart and fun and adventurous and playful and ambitious and creative. I think I kinda like her and I am hopeful most see the new shine in my stride. That old vibration is kicked to the side and has delayed years of happy, BUT maybe I needed it to grow fully into who I am now becoming. So excited for the future and what it holds and what I choose to do with it! My vibrations are getting higher and I am including every day “time” to really connect with myself and vibrate to the highest level so I have the best version of me to give away then refuel for the next day. |
