Perhaps this all seems like a bunch of mumbo jumbo and a bunch of spiritual crap. I can understand that view. I had a friend ask me for suggestions on making life less hectic and they also said I never explain what I personally do to feel the freedom and keep life peaceful. I chuckled because I also had a situation recently where I went above and beyond to “explain myself” thinking it would help But it did not go well. :) I spoke my truth and the other person was offended and took it personal. ( more learning lessons , not taking anything personal And not feeling like you need to explain yourself). Still learning people. :) Anywho, my friend who has a super hectic schedule every single day and lots of kids just can’t seem to catch a break. They often tell me about the To do list which is jam packed with many things to get done “or else”… things might fall apart? I paused before I answered because it is REALLY easy to get into a “lemme tell ya what to do” type of answer BUT I find time after time that leading by example wins hands down. Just another way to speak your Truth. It does not always have to involve words. In this case speaking my truth looks like I am saying nothing. But words are words and we all must go through our own process. Because I understand this and fall back on my “Tami quotes” to help me respond sometimes, I replied with “it’s a belief system and letting go of many things”. I am sure that is a frustrating answer because we all naturally seek that “magic pill”. However if I spit out a new to do list of meditation, wake up early and exercise, prep your healthy food for the week, be present in every situation, speak with love all the time, hang out with your kids and have fun, turn off your electronics, etc, etc etc then THIS now becomes a new “ to do “ list that seems unattainable. And the same cycle that does not feel good continues to perpetuate. Feel me?
Another example of truth, hot topic for sure, so don’t judge, Covid vaccine. To get or not to get, that is the question. Some pose the question why would you not? I am sure that answer seems like it would be obvious since we have all lived in the world the past year. We all made our own realities and tried our best to “abide by the rules” and still live our own truth. We all now have some type of education on Immune systems and the importance of wellness and most of us have desire to be healthy. So whatever your ideas and decisions are around covid, that is you speaking your truth and what feels best for you now. I have my own ideals and what feels best on how to take care of my Self. I can respect and work with truth. Remember that “speaking with love” quote from up above?… Gotta stick to it. When people have contrasting thoughts and beliefs it is ok. Everything is always working out for our higher good. Always. Even when our current reality doesn’t seem like it. There are many ways to live in health and happiness. I don’t have a magic answer so I stick to my "Tami quotes” once again. As we keep steering our boat we can speak and live our truth. Let each individual do themselves as they see fit, yes?
So why do I share the idea of “speaking our truth”? Which has now turned into LIVING our TRUTH. Because for some it can be a starting point as a pathway to get to our happy place permanently. It’s not about being self-righteous with our Truth. It’s a simple case of everyone is different with different tastes and desires and what might work for me might not work as well for you. To make a shift. To make a slight change. To empower yourself. To live freely. To change perspective. To believe in your self. To accept others as they are right now. To be compassionate. To be kind. To keep moving forward. These can be simple choices that start a whole new world of being. So as an advocate for living a Healthy Lifestyle, I continue to share pieces of my personal pie in my own journey as a means to simply show others what already exist within themselves. We are not broken. We don’t need to be fixed. There is nothing wrong with us. We are All right. We are all in this big chunk of the universe together right now so why not figure out how to live in it joyously. Is that not why we are here in the first place? Reaching and Awakening to our personal Truth can be a VERY good starting point.
Cheers my friends
Much Love in the air
XO - Tami
I became educated about the power to make my self sick and also to heal myself. I chose to heal my self. I became an advocate for myself. I traveled mile after mile, cried tear after tear, screamed loudly inside, let go of many different kinds of relationships, and started to listen to myself. I started to be thankful. I started to believe the affirmations I desperately wrote and read on a daily basis. I became an avid reader, researcher, listened to audio books, watched documentaries, and meditated daily for hours. I made amends with that broken little girl and started to feel compassion. I started to discover the love within me that already existed and that was all around me. I just did not see it before and still could not feel it.
I re-entered life feeling lost and alone and confused. I developed ways to be the new me and feel safe. I learned to trust myself. I was feeling better and looking healthy. I thought to myself, that journey was heavy. I still felt incomplete and that something was in the way. I knew I had more to experience but was unsure and soon learned I was still very unprepared. My mom was diagnosed with cancer. I became one of her caretakers. I was numb again. We tried to focus on hope, but it was hopeless. It was more grief, more pain, and more crying. It was holding hands with death as her spirit floated out of the room. I was devastated. I felt nothing. I felt like leaving this earth with my mom.
8 weeks later my 2nd mom passed away from heart disease. I was still numb and could not even comprehend what was going on in my life. I had now seen the dead bodies of my 2 dead moms within a 2 month time period. I felt dead. I was lost again. But this time I had a compass. Emotionally I was a mess but mentally I knew what to do. I had trained my brain and had the tools to get better. I was able to get through the gut-wrenching holidays and be thankful for the family that was still here. I threw myself in work to get through the days, then the Covid pandemic hit the world. My 3 jobs no longer existed. More loss, more grief, more crying, more letting go. I had no job title, no moms, still living with cancer, trying to be healthy, and quarantined in my condo. I was on unemployment driving my mom’s Cadillac. I was sad for the world.
Thank god for my cat, some singing bowls, meditation, the lessons in letting go, and the will to keep moving forward. I embarked on new travels and adventures wearing a face mask to abide by the newly implemented and mandated city and government rules. I slowly began to feel more at ease and able to start shedding the pile of grief and loss. I traveled alone but that was part of the process. I reached for any and all sunrises and sunsets. I reached to feel and see signs of my 2 moms eternal existence. I grieved for both of my moms and all of humanity. I was thankful to be alive. I was thankful for being able to travel. I cried over all the images of love I had seen over the past 5 years and all the years of my life. I embarked on a spiritual retreat in Mexico involving more medicinal regimens, lots of vomiting, lots of purging, lots of human connection, lots of music and dancing and joy. I was catapulted into seeing and feeling glimpses of love. Am I healed? I don’t know but It would be safe to say all the darkness has left my body and ready to be filled up with goodness.
I am not a God or shaman or healer or even define my self as better or more educated or more enlightened than anyone. I am simply a person that had “life happen”. In my journey to self-heal came an urgency to understand who I am and why I am here on earth and seek out my soul purpose. I wanted to feel life and feel alive. I found time after time the essence of who I am is love. I understood that mind and emotions took over my life and disconnected me from love. Problems combined with the lack of understanding and no tools in sight were my normal. I had no self- love and lived in shame, guilt, fear, jealousy, comparison, judgement, criticism, and insecurity. I had poor relationships with everyone and everything in my life. I was self- loathing and full of anger mostly towards my self. I had no relationship with my self. I numbed my self from being and living. I awakened to a life full of disease, death, loss, and grief. I discovered my unhealthy beliefs and attachments which caused me to be so disconnected, needy, and unable to stand on my own. I had no recollection of feeling love. I dug deep into a very transformational letting go process. I opened up and reached out for mercy and love. I said out loud I would do anything and everything to heal my self.
I share my story as a means to continue my healing process and to give people a possible short cut and some cliff notes into self-discovery and self-healing. If your journey can be less traumatic and filled more with love that is what I wish for everyone. I know everyone has their own process and this short story has allowed me to give a snapshot of possibility about change. Along the way I am most thankful to finally see and feel all the pieces of love that are present in my lifetime. It helps me feel peaceful and stand strong in a belief that something bigger is out there than all of us combined. It helps me understand we are here to create and have fun with life. It helps me understand that doing it with others makes it more joyful. The shackles are off and there are no rules or regulations or conditions. It feels like freedom. It feels good. I know this is love.
In the darkness we are pushed to be love to cope and then move forward. To change, to expand, to grow, to mold ourselves into what we are and just be and receive. I know from personal experience that being connected with ourselves and caring for ourselves with love and compassion helps us truly understand our gifts, our worthiness, and our acceptance. If I am not loving to myself , then how am I going to be loving toward you? LOVE now flows over and out of this cup. I see the beauty in YOU and ME and WE. Together we can enjoy this lifetime. Together we can laugh and cry. Together we can communicate, listen, and comprehend what WE need in order to live FREE on this earth until we realize we are connected to this universal being-ness. It truly is one love. Thanks to disease and death that slowly awakened me. It all makes sense now and I feel so happy and free and loved.
So the sunrise and sunset continues as I piece together all the love in my life. I look forward to new adventures and new projects. Happy to share my Watch Me Fly learning lessons, moments, emotions, processes, and state of being. The journey continues....
Much Love, Tami
Yes Steve Miller is on my road trip music playlist. I love it! Along with Eagles, Beyonce, Nina Simone, Guns-n-Roses, Louis Armstrong, Tom Petty, Jill Scott, the Roots, Common, Lauren Hill, Def Leppard, Teddy Pendergrass, Ed Sheeran, Cyndi Lauper, Wu Tang, Wyclef, Roots, Otis Redding, Bee Gees, Van Morrison, Marvin Gaye, Erykah Badu, and the list continues to grow. These songs continue to journey along with me road after road, highway after highway, city after city, state after state. We are now the bestest of friends. Music has always been a staple in my life and has been the outlet to be and feel the most free and connected with myself and the universal flow of things. Music moves my body in certain ways and also leads my mind into pure feelings of living in the moment. I love it. Why am I talking about music? I dunno I guess cuz I listen to it every single day and it has been a life saver and best friend to me in this lifetime. It is soothing at times and stimulating at times and joyful all of the time. Music has bridged the gap many times when I am not sure, happy, sad, or not feeling quite my self and has helped connect me with my soul in a way that nothing else can. It spans past getting through feelings and goes to a place that has helped me build and believe in myself. I am so thankful.
Me and Music have rendezvoused every day in this lifetime. I have had the most joyous times with music on-stage and traveling and socializing with friends. You could say music has been a solid building block in my life. Point is, I think everyone has something that helps connect them and tune them into who we are being, how we are living, and our purpose. We have emotions and they come and go but they also let us know where we are at like a GPS. These feelings can be steered so hopefully we pick the things that steer us in directions that feel good. Hopefully we pick the music that eases the mind and leads our thoughts into a place of happiness. Hopefully we pick the music that can ease and comfort us in times of darkness. Hopefully we can pick the music that lifts us up and inspires us to keep going. Hopefully we pick the music that helps us celebrate and create blissful realities.
The feelings that emerge are then transferred into our thought and our reality. Life can be so joyous and easy if we just let it be. I admit I like to steer the ship, but have been humbled by all that surrounds me and learned that I can be the best if I only steer my own ship. Also, the idea that I have the power to steer my own ship has been pretty enlightening. I realize there is a lot I do not know and that it’s never gonna get done. I was always a “try harder” “do more” type of person. That wasn't working out so well for me. I am learning to ease into life and enjoy, let go, let be, and open myself up to receive what is next for me time after time. It’s grace in the works. This slow as a turtle process has lead me to the most powerful gift of all, the belief in myself and humanity. I truly see the goodness. Sometimes it has a very creative mask and it is a little tougher to see, but it’s always there. At least that’s what I believe. Some may perceive this as being a softie but I ride the quiet waves and just observe life and people and places and things. IT all makes complete sense to me.
I hope to continue sharing my experiences and bask in music together with everyone. We are all deserved and can help lift each other up to places higher than we can even imagine. I look forward to the journey and watching us all fly.
Today I walked the lakefront and beaches of the Chi. It’s cold, mild, yet mother nature seems to always kick into high gear when you go on a stroll. I had no intention of exercising , just wanted to get out, listen to music in my headphones, look at nature and be. It was good. I found myself going from no thought and just absorbing the lakefront to totaling in my mind and thinking about feel good thoughts. Analyzing as us Virgos typically do. I replayed scenarios of love, listened to Teddy Pendergrass and Beyonce and felt my future. I absorbed all the waves and trees and sand and paths and other people strolling as I did. I re-imagined what it felt like to bike the same path in the summertime. It felt good.
The water always amazes me. No matter where I am. It feels soothing yet speaks to me and my emotions and relates to how I am feeling on the inside. I walked out on the concrete pier and watched the big dark waves ripple back one after another. They felt kinda wild and anxious. I could relate. When I watched intently, they looked and acted kinda like I felt on the inside. I have an ongoing joke with Lake Michigan and it is that when the waves get big, they are MAD. Something is going on that is not being resolved and they lash out at LSD. I understand and just let them be.
My stroll turned into 2 hours. It felt good to just walk in Chicago and get out of the house. It’s funny how being inside vs. being outside can change your feeling in an instant. I love it! I found myself feeling extra thankful and everything seemed to blend together and nothing really had a name. My phone was irrelevant except the playing of music and typing down the random words and lyrics coming to my head as I walked. It was really great. The cool thing is I had on a mask, scarf, hat and winter coat and felt no cold or breeze. I was kinda digging the mask and it’s warmth. I thought about my family, my new love, my band mates, my gym friends, my acquaintances and realized how full my life has been. I had endless chats about what was and what is and what could be and felt thankful that I had everything I had asked for right here right now and felt satiated and full of life. I felt clarity as I thought of my new love and how I am still learning about life and relationships and how to really see and appreciate and be in the moment and just let be. It felt good.
I am not sure what this blog means other than be in the moment and water really floats my boat? :) I am human and had an “off” weekend but as soon as I realize that I can connect with myself and plug myself back in everything seems to resolve and absolve. It’s like magic. I just can’t believe it. I realize that when I feel not so good it’s usually me. I realize that I have the control to really set my brain free. I feel guilty that I acted ridiculously, but then realize I am human and hope that people can see that in me. I get scared people will run from me but then quickly turn to the universe and realize that what’s meant to be will be. I have to continue to let go time after time cuz my human reactions seem to take over and emotions flow. It’s kinda like riding waves and you don’t know what will happen cuz you can’t control mother nature. It’s like wading in the waters and looking out and realizing that the water is endless. When you connect with that endless, you realize that you are a spec and spark here on earth. If you just go with the flow, everything will seem and be alright. So when you look out at the daylight, sunset, or sunrise, and see where it meets the earth, it’s eternity you are looking at, I think. It’s never done and never ending and it’s beautiful and mysterious and feels easy and pure. I think this is where water meets us and we feel eternity. The place where we all remain and are but often have trouble feeling it so we go into our humanistic ways and continue each day. I hope I can meet you all at the edge of the water, cuz it feels really great, and we can really enjoy each other every day.
Can I get a witness? :)
Sooo many questions. Yes! The answer is yes to all of them! At least that is my belief and perspective. If we create our own realities then yes the answer can be yes. If we remain followers and stay in bounds and follow rules and regulations all the time then the answer would be no. At least that is my personal experience. I suppose some will disagree. I am ok with that. I suppose some will ask how do we get there? I understand. I suppose some are already living without boundaries. I think we can approach this with how we utilize and manage our minds, our bodies, our senses, our emotions, and how we can have a consistent connection with ourselves. Once this is stable, we create a freedom that smells of flowers, tastes sweet, sounds soothing, feels easy and soft, and looks divine. Every single moment can be THIS for all of us.
According to Rules of the Road, as you approach a curve, move to the side of your lane opposite of the direction of the curve. As you continue through the curve, position your vehicle towards the other side of your lane. I like this analogy. A translation might be… you see life’s ‘curve ahead, you grab the wheel and cruise through it, you remain calm and continue on, you steer yourself to a safe and feel good place, you passed the curve and continue on! I think it takes practice just like we would practice before taking our driver test. But this is more grand cuz it’s a “ life license “ and we get to create our own reality instead of following rules. If there was a rule, I suppose I would say it is universal law of attraction. Simply put, the Law of Attraction is the belief that positive or negative thoughts bring positive or negative experiences into a person's life. This is where our minds can serve us well. Just like our muscles, we can exercise and train our minds. So perhaps a starting point when we ask how do we get started and to this place of freedom we can ask ourselves… what do we feed our minds and how do we train our minds? I will go out on a limb and say there is a lot of fear mongering that exists… if we approach this curve we can stay in control of our minds by being our own leaders instead of following. There are ways to be and stay safe and protected and respect all that is around us. If we start with ourselves, the root cause and effect, I think the world would feel and look very bright and shiny. It’s a start. There is no finish line. It’s a consistent flow. It’s never done. So we might as well accept divine order and just let it be and enjoy.
Living life in the lap of luxury and love? Why not? We all deserve the best. We are all doing the best we can. We all have the power of choice and power to create reality for ourselves. Who are we being and what are we doing? Do you show your true colors and look for rainbows? What kind of life would you lead if it was not this one? So many questions in my head and this self-realization process feels like such a roller coaster BUT I wouldn’t want it any other way. We are perfect human beings and our journey is life, not the actual manifestation of our desires. The best part… the sun always rises and sets and so we have a chance to live this life over and over and dive into our creations! So why wouldn’t we always stretch ourselves to reach for what feels the best. How do we get there? Where is there? I tell you what, I have been to many destinations, however, I have MANY more to visit. I like open-minds and open- communication, and the feeling to be free within ourselves. I like to surround myself with the ones who let me be me and in return they also like to be themselves. The connection and joy to move our energy together is pure bliss. It’s like a dance. It’s like music. It’s like art. It can be very abstract or very raw.
What the hell am I talking about and why so analytical? Well, I ‘m a virgo, that’s what I do. I spent this summer road tripping by myself, it’s very meditational and healing for me. It somehow gives me clarity and opens my mind to new beginnings and new perspective. It’s awesome! New experiences seem to help me shift gears, shift my life, and the drive has been so scenic that I never want to stop. It’s like something else takes over and there is NO going backwards, no reverse, just forward momentum. The law of attraction is full in force and desires are being fulfilled day after day.
Does every moment FEEL this wonderful. No. Can’t lie. That’s part of life and I look at it as helping to propel me quicker to where I want to be. I still learn and grow and push myself to expand day after day. It’s never ending. It’s not exhausting, it’s thrilling. It’s warm fuzzies. It’s adrenaline. It’s pure love minute after minute. A friend asked me recently if I was running. Hell yeah! Yes running away from bad feelings but also running towards joy and a good life. If we can create ways to live life in a fun way, why would we not? Why would we not try to create the best scenarios day after day and be around the people, places, and things that lift us up towards joy and freedom? IDK bout you, but this is my new version of living and it rocks!
How did I get here? Honesty is the best policy, right? Gloom and doom would be my answer. Gut wrenching times, heavy heart-attack palpitations, cancer, death and misery, tons of tears, rage and anger, lots of letting go and breakups, and the feeling of not even wanting to exist anymore. Heavy, I know. No worries. I’m here, I got through it, I time traveled through it. How did I do it? I told the universe I wanted to heal myself of all things and said I would do whatever it took to get me to the other side. What happened? Well, month after month the universe laid it on super thick! Blow after blow was like a fight with Muhammed Ali, but I won. Did it have to be this way and did I create my own darkness? I’m sure a bit. But life happens, dark shit happens , people can act crazy, and it is NOT fun. I have seen and felt complete darkness. I have seen and felt complete brightness. I choose the light. I choose nowadays to dance and sing at every moment possible.
How do you deal with darkness and do you need that to see the light? I think so. At least that’s how it happened for me. My darkest time to date is the death of my 2 moms 2019. My mom died 7-24-2019 6pm and it it is the way she died that will forever be etched in my thoughts. My 2nd mom died 10-1-2019. Seeing both my moms dead bodies are forever in my vision. Touching both of their dead bodies remain in my sense of touch. To keep this blog open and honest I will share some details that are hard to say out loud. The 10 months of caring for my mom and trying to ease her painful cancerous death remains in my bones. Holding the hand of her 80lb body, laying by her side and listening to her heartbeat slow down to nothing haunts my ears. Visions of blood coming out of her mouth haunts my eyes. Seeing her toe tag and being rolled away in a stretcher covered by a sheet breaks my heart over and over. Kissing the corpse of my 2nd moms forehead and thanking her for being the best mom makes me feel like throwing up. I will never forget and cannot unsee these moments. I can only create a newness that blinds all of my senses. My mom was my kindred spirit and she no longer physically exists so I have to create new ways to connect. My 2nd mom was my confidant and helped me cope with myself and life. Nowadays they are the sunshine, the moon, the mountains, the water, the flowers, the birds, the butterflies, the rainbows, the sunrise, and the sunset. They still push me day after day to be successful, but this time at living life. They help me dance and listen to the music every day. They sit on the passenger side and enjoy each ride with me. They are the loudest voices in my head telling me what to do when I don’t feel good. They are in every meditation session when I have questions and want answers. They are the impulse to try new things and meet new people and just go for it and be fearless. They are part of the universe and the energy that steers my every move. I am so glad they are out there on my side routing me on. They see and feel what I am doing and the proof is in each manifestation, cuz living life in the lap of luxury and love is what they would have wanted, so now we share it together. Even more so than when they were physically here. I think they planned it all. I think they knew. I think they still nurture me and even better than when they could physically hold my hand.
Because of the darkness, I can now dance to the rhythm of life until my body collapses. There is no going back. It’s a done deal. I shook hands with the universe and accepted my self, my self-created fate, the willingness to open up and love no matter what, and the ability to trust who I am and stick to what feels good. I still drive in many lanes, but stay mostly in the zone of happiness, leave the cooking to the universe, and follow my heart and passions. Life can be grand. We can all be wizards. The sun shines on us all. So the question is, will you take time to enjoy the sunrise? What will you do after sunset? Will you dance through the days? I made a choice to get busy living life and having fun with it all while I still have time. Will you?
This month marks 5 years living with cancer BUT thriving. How can that be? If I get straight to the nitty gritty there is a huge crappy list of sad things and a huge wonderful list of beautiful things that have all manifested in a very quick successional manner. I have written blog after blog as a means to get out my emotions, heal, help, and pave the path for my continuous journey. I have been abstract, raw, truthful, and vulnerable. I am only seeking the essence of who I am and who I can be. There has been lots of crying and smiling and contemplating. Sometimes I feel a mess and messy. Sometimes I feel anxious and scared. Sometime I feel like the sun couldn’t shine any brighter and the water couldn’t feel more peaceful. Sometimes I feel like I am making a big deal about things. Sometimes I feel judgement creeping in. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and do a restart of the day. Sometimes I want moments to never end. I guess that means I’m human.
This cancer thing has cast light on the ugliness that was me and given me gifts that keep me in awe every day. I gulp and shed tears as I write that sentence. My past was filled with buckets of shame and a hyper self-consciousness that wrecked the possibility of a healthy existence. I had unfulfilling relationships with everything in my life. However my present is filled with a peacefulness and acceptance of what the real me is and I am so thankful. Thank you cancer for turning my life into what it is. I have been torn down, but re-built and am continuously building new healthy relationships with myself, people, and life. It feels so much better.
I’ve had conversations with many people about cancer. I always try to play “middle-man” and see all sides and be objective. That is my nature. However, if I stick to my guns on how I truly feel about cancer it would be this…. Just like anything in life you can dwell or move forward. You can sit on the couch or you can live life. You can be assertive and educate yourself and decide what is best for you or listen and go along with the masses. I made a choice. I made a plan. I made it happen. I stepped up to the plate and swung. I missed many times but in the end I hit it out of the ballpark. My commitment of natural healing lead to a happy and healthy and peaceful life. I feel like I won. Cancer is portrayed as a fearful and deadly thing and yes, it can be. I believe that if you can release personal fear, live healthy, accept, and focus on what makes you feel happy then life can be golden. I believe it can shift your body into a state that is healthy. So yes cancer can be beat naturally and yes I can be considered a survivor but perhaps not in the conventional sense. I don’t feel like a warrior and I don’t want to be a warrior because that indicates struggle. We don’t have to struggle. We have choices. I like peaceful Tami and she is here to stay. I don’t like cancer but I accept that it has a bigger task in teaching our human race how to live. My mom died of cancer last year. I am heartbroken because she was my best friend, not because she had cancer. I am not angry at cancer. Blame gets you nowhere. When you are living a toxic life it can manifest and show up in your body as disease. Breast cancer was my manifestation. Ovarian cancer was my mom’s manifestation. I don’t believe you just get cancer for reasons that are inexplicable.
I think many people don’t address death or disease until they are struck with either of these scenarios personally. I was struck with both many times the past 5 years. Walking in these shoes has been very interesting. Forces of life that catapult you into different states of existence is what I would say it did for me. So long to old adages and ways of the past. Life is no longer about what I am doing but who i am being. The healthy lifestyle journey is for life. The promise to love and be loved is for life. The promise to stay connected to the universe and all of existence is for life. This is now #mylife and who I am. That’s as real as it gets for now. #watchmefly
WE are a living, feeling, smiling, laughing, screaming, crying collective of energy that is all connected. WE love to taste the goodness, smell the goodness, hear the goodness, see the goodness, and touch the goodness. When you cry, I cry cuz I feel your sadness. When you scream, I scream too because I feel your frustration. When you look out with anger, I feel anger boiling inside too. When you are quiet, I wonder what is going on and what I can do.
YOU are ME and I am YOU. I love your ways and the differences that make us a complete whole dimensional display. I don’t look like you and you don’t look like me but I love our contrast and unique brain waves. I was always curious how you stayed so sane and calm and talked to them in that way. I always loved how you played and danced and would sing that way. I forever admired how you paid no attention and just did YOU each day.
ME, I was new to the human ways and caught in darkness that dampened my way. At times I wished I was born rich with money but now I see abundance is in my brain. I have the power to think myself into riches and a light feeling like sun rays. I have the power to breathe and control my sane. I have the power to enjoy life with mindful moments on display. You stimulate my taste buds, I see the light and smell the flowers every day. I am part of the divine and power that encapsulate our ways.
Love is Allah, Brahma, Buddha, Christ, Consciousness, Divine, Evolution, God, Higher Power, Jehovah, Jesus, Krishna, Shiva, Source, Spirit, the Tao, Universal Oneness, and many more that ALL point in the same Direction. WE all seek LOVE. WE all seek to BE. So BE the love you seek and give the LOVE you seek. Most important, GIVE the LOVE you SEEK to yourself FIRST. Be kind to yourself and love yourself like no other. It is OK. Remember that YOU will only be your BEST and give your BEST when you ARE your BEST.
I am not a God or shaman or healer or even define my self as better or more educated than anyone. I am simply a person that had “life happen” and know from personal experience that 100% of the time it comes back to us being in touch with ourselves and caring for ourselves with love and compassion. If I am not loving to myself , then how am I going to be loving toward you? In the darkness we are pushed to show more love to cope and come out ahead. To change, to expand, to grow, to mold ourselves into what we are and just be and receive.
So whether you feel, taste, touch, see, smell, or hear what I am saying.. please know that LOVE flows over and over again over this cup and I see the beauty in YOU and ME and WE. Together we will enjoy this lifetime. Together we will laugh and cry. Together we will communicate, listen, and comprehend what WE need in order to live FREE on this earth until we are BOUND to a future universal being.
We are not THEN, we are NOW. What do you want your life to be? What do you want to be? How do you want to be? If YOU are ME and ME are WE then how does it feel right to be anything but free? Will we gag ourselves to death or spread the sunshine that internally bleeds? WE is stronger than I so let’s get together, look each other in the eye, say our past goodbyes, and get moving toward a future that has opulence and thrives.
I see you, I hear you, I taste you, I touch you, I smell you, and you are Not part of a Census. You are my friend, my love, my co-worker, my partner, my sister, my brother, and my child. You are my equal and we both are leaders, followers, teachers, preachers, and students. So follow my lead as we rise to another level of universal Being and Oneness.
Much love my people. Looking forward to greatness, goodness, and a life full of pleasure not pain.
I feel lucky to still be here. I feel lucky to have and be able to see my own personal attributes clearly so I can use my power gracefully. I have always been a “big picture” thinker and viewer. I consider it my best “quality” as a human that is “doing”and taking action. I feel lucky to be an equal and to see that equality within all of us. Many times it was hard to support myself and feel equal and believe in myself due to the past. Hopefully all my self-work has obliterated any negative self-belief out of the water. I think it takes bucking the systems, standing up for yourself and being your own advocate. And even nicer when done in a pleasant manner so more of the masses can digest what it is in front of them. After all we are all teachers in some capacity. At least that is what I believe. From my experience, this freedom from within takes moving through fear, letting go, accepting ourselves and all of humanity. I look forward to leading by example and giving gifts. It sounds fun to me. It sounds like a good way to live.
If you are reading this, thank you. I am hopeful to continue my writing and exploring that 2nd half of life with myself and all of humanity. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I will leave you with all the phrases that leaked out of my head today. They are representative of some of what I have learned to date about life…
Educate and research to better ourselves and others and help change beliefs to a positive perspective
Absorb new thoughts and ideas and re-train the brain with repetition
Come to our own conclusions and advocate
Open your heart and mind
Take care of your body
Allow yourself to feel your emotions and try not to numb yourself out cuz it’s too intense
Get and stay connected with the essence of who you are
Manage and be friends with your ego and enjoy the human elements
Lead by example
Support others endeavors when it feels good for you
You can change your mind and direction at any time or place
Maintain your own and stay connected with the universal energy
Enjoy the moments, the journeys, and the processes
Maintain love and compassion and gift giving
Put yourself in other peoples shoes
Be a great listener
Communicate what you want nicely
Tune into how and what people are feeling to develop your compassion
Smile and laugh
Let go and enjoy the ride
Continue self-expansion, self- compassion, self-love, and self-acceptance and practice the same with all individuals
If there was a possibility to exist or awaken to our natural state of being Today, are you open and can you embrace that possibility? If the answer is Yes, let’s do a short and simple exercise. Are you willing to sit quietly for a few minutes? You can stand, sit, lay down, close your eyes, open your eyes, whatever is comfortable. Now individually, let’s not engage with our past or future. Pretend like they are movies, and just turn them off for the time being. Leave any thought of intention or regret. Turn off any thought or feeling or experience. Just be. Let go of who you think you are or what you have done or what you have or what you have accomplished or what you still want to achieve. When we are done you can turn it back on if you like. Just be. Recognize right here, right now. The what is. Leave everything else alone. Remain empty of thought and concepts. It is possible. No thoughts of past, just don’t engage. Even about the future and present , don’t engage. It’s not important if you wish to discover your true self. That’s already a huge weight removed from you. Yes? Feel and see an empty and open space. Pay attention to your natural inner environment free of thought. Really put yourself in this state of being. You are not waiting for anything, you are just here. A limitless state of being right now. You are still aware but staying empty and not engaging. Simple to follow if you choose. When you are clear of thoughts, memories, self descriptions, ideologies, finish all your mental activity and emotions, you have the power to do this. When this is clear for you, you are here, let’s ask some questions. Answer with a yes or no and respond. Pay attention to just what is right now.
What is here beyond thought, intention, memory, and dreams?
Is it personal?
Is it a belief?
Is it an object?
Have you created it?
Is it a mood or emotion?
Are there any boundaries?
Can it become sick?
Can it fade or disappear?
Is it a philosophy or religious?
Is it for or against anyone?
Can it be lost?
Can it be possessed by one group of people or a person?
Does it judge or criticize?
Was it born? Can it disappear or die?
Whatever this is, whatever is really here at this moment, this “is”ness, this limitlessness, this freedom, this discovery, where has it been all our life? This awareness is our own self. It is not an object or a mood or a feeling or philosophy or belief or religion or a skin color or an opinion. It is not a sexual preference or a body part or a gender or an identity.
There is not distance from what this is, this is the truth of you. The all encompassing being of you. It's us.
So if this is true, if it is this easy to just be, why would we not?
If this “being ness “ naturally connects all of us, then wouldn’t it be to our advantage to be? Wouldn’t it be to our advantage to teach others to be? Wouldn’t it feel better for all of us just to be? If we are limitless, why do we put limits on our humanity? If we are this power together, why do we act out in power to control humanity? Why do we categorize and label? We are not problems to be fixed, we are beings in need of getting in touch with our own self.
Why do we say black lives matter and where should we go from here and what is each individuals part?
We are seeing the inflammation of ego. Just like a compromised immune system and body that is sick, means inflammation in the body exists. Just like a wound that becomes infected and puffs up and turns colors and hurts and swells and bleeds. Only ego can lose sight and create tragedy against humanity and put it all on video and show the world in a way that undeniably displays acts of violence that have been manifested time and time again. These are shows that cannot be unseen and effects everyone.
So if living in ego can create this tragedy, then wouldn’t it best serve us to not be in ego, but to learn how to BE and be connected to our truth? If BEingness is a collective WE, why do we beat up ourselves? Why do we kill ourselves? It makes no sense. But ego is not sensical. Living only in thought and perspective is not always sensical. Living in pure emotion is not always sensical. Living only in our bodies is not sensical. Yes these are all parts of living life as human being. We made it here for some reason, so let’s all come together, just be, be in the “is”ness and create a humanity that feels good.
How do we do that?
Get connected with the truth of ourselves.
Display compassion and love.
Support and help others.
What else can I personally do?
You pick. That’s the beauty of it all. If you have money, sure donate to a cause. If you have kids, be a good teacher of inclusivity instead of exclusivity. If your work involves decision making, let it be about equality and made out of love. Be an inspirational leader. Display acts of kindness. When someone is hurt or hurting, show them compassion and love. Whatever your “work” or trade is, use it to help create positive change with what serves us well. Help create something new. Be part of a team. Connect with humanity beyond ego and get out of our own fears. Let go of the past and forgive. Be thankful. Extend a hand if someone asks for help. Look humanity in the eyes and be authentic.
By doing so WE get ahead of it all so we stop being reactionary.
So wherever you are perhaps ask yourself….
Am I contributing to solution or problem?
Am I displaying human compassion & support?
Am I adding to the pile of systemic issues regarding inequality of humans and how people are treated?
Am I caught up in myths from past that cause inequality and separation?
Am I following along out of habit and passed on beliefs?
Can and will I re-evaluate my current perspective and core beliefs?
How and where will I spend spend my energy and time to contribute to an existence that serves all of us well?
Do I want to be a follower or leader?
Do I want to be a victim or an advocate?
Now let's take the lead and define our own parts. This is our role in humanity. We don't have to tell anyone or explain to anyone. Just do it. Just be. I think we all know why. We all enjoy freedom and love and happiness and health and are here to create. Join the "movement" and watch ALL of us FLY.
What do you do? Go on a rampage? Sit down and cry? Get angry and revolt? Go on like nothing happened? Lash out at people close to you or far away? Sit in judgement and criticism? Be a victim of circumstance? Talk poorly of others and your negative perception? Bow down to a popular thought or reaction? Go along with the masses? Doubt yourself and others? Sit and worry about things you cannot change?
Speak with love and kindness? Respect everyones’ perspective and decisions? Keep a smile and laughter throughout the day? Tend to yourself and keep it positive? Educate yourself and make your own decisions? Go with the flow and accept what is happening and know that everything is ok? Keep your adventure going through the new norm? Meditate and clear your human mind for a new start and new day?
Gee. I know which one sounds best. Hopefully you pick what FEELS good too!
We have wandered around aimlessly. We created mundane lives. We ignored our emotions and feelings. We obsessed over reality tv, news reports, and kept our noses glued to our electronics. Some of us were not truthful to ourselves. Some of us thought we knew what happiness and existence was before tragedy struck. We are a world at war aiming for peace. Peace within ourselves. Peace within societies. Peace within the world. We have fought wars. We have been creative and inventive. We have killed AND helped one another. We have been grateful and greedy all in the same breath. Some lost sight of what was only to focus on what the current situation is and are trying to find a way to look forward. We did what we thought was ok from the perception of what we knew…. Now we are knowing and learning more….
What is your NEW perception.. PLEASE share.
Feel free to comment and share
Thx for reading and listening.
I have been humbled and shown grace every single day the last 5 years. I might not have always seen it that way but now it is very clear. The universe has an odd job cuz it’s always on duty. Always working for everyones well being every single moment in time. The universe must be super fucking busy. I am surprised the universe doesn’t just give up and say fuck it cuz of all the humans in the world. And they never stop co-creating so this is a job for life. Wow. I am amazed again.
I embarked on my healing self journey 5 years ago. It has taken 5 years, disease, and death to help me realize all I have to do is be the best me and let the universe do the rest. I have been shown time and time again how much I have expanded and how beautiful life and people can be. Most of it is about perspective and I love these new lenses I can see out of! It’s wonderful!
These 5 years have been filled with beautiful forms of self love, honesty, tastes of bliss, love of another, and massive self-expansion. In true universe style it has included dark, light, sunshine, tears, laughter, sadness, disappointment, and capping it all off with the act of leading with love at all times. I have experienced what it feels like to exist in moments where you can genuinely be 100% yourself authentically. I experienced ease and flow and joy and lots of smiles and warm fuzzies and love thoughts and feelings. I experienced feeling doubtful about myself and very confident in who I am in the same moment. I experienced looking someone in the eyes and just knowing the idea of truth and love and joy instantly. I am in awe.
I have successfully eliminated the unhealthy habits of attachments in life and lack of belief in myself. I am soooo happy. I still have lots of questions. I still have moments I want it all now and lack patience to just enjoy the process. I still get ancy and wonder what the bigger picture really is and how it will all turn out. I still yearn to be deeply in love. Perhaps now it will be possible since I have found true self love. I still yearn to travel the earth and adventure through it all in some capacity. I know for sure I like to move and be active. I also love to just chill and enjoy the moments and sunshine. I yearn to perform and stay connected with people. I know for sure that everything is ok and all is working out. I can see the same journey within other people I have met. I am so excited to attract people with the same mindset so I can share my discoveries and findings and have someone not think I am crazy. I am mostly thankful for being surrounded with all the beautiful thoughts, memories, words, selfless actions, acts of strength and bravery, smiles and laughs, hugs, and kisses that have given me comfort and love and support in times that seem so dark.
People have helped my world spin within orbit and out of control at times. People have brought me such love that I can’t contain myself. I have allowed love in my life and it feels so good that I can’t stop and I can’t wait for the next moment. I can’t wait to share. I can’t wait to give. I can’t wait to express myself. I can’t wait to know more about others. I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I lose my breath every time a person expresses complete honesty and vulnerability. It’s a mirror of where I am and it is beautiful. I am so proud of all that I have let into my life. I am so proud of all the expansion. However I am most excited about what the future holds. I am curious how others formulate their lives and how they adapt to this mindful century of life.
My eyes are wide open and observing all the new love. My mind is open and embracing all the love. My emotions are all over the place. My body is happy to be flowing once again. My soul is so tuned in and turned on that I sometimes can’t stand it and don’t know what to do but sit and meditate. I see the love. I feel the love. I am the love. I am so thankful. Thank you universe. Thank you mama. I love you. My heart is exploding and so full at the same time.
Much Love- Tami xo
We are all both beauty and beast in many ways. I like to say the beauty is when we are connected with soul, leading with love, and begin to see things in a bright sunshine way. I like to say the beast is when we struggle and trudge through life, deal with people/relationships, and how we think and treat ourselves. Beast is who we become when we are living in our ego-driven human body and function out of dysfunction.
SO Marinate in all the feel good Moments of life so you have lots of good Memories and Milk it for all it’s got!. Why not? So you can live a life filled with bliss. So you can be and create more happiness for you and all around you. So you can live healthy and functional and a good quality of life. So you can be the best you and do the best while you are here on earth. Be beautiful. Be a beauty.
I really think all of humanity aims for the same thing. In constant search of love, happiness, and prosperity. In this case I will add the word “security”. Security as in needing/wanting some type of “people-place-thing” because it makes you feel secure in a way with your place on earth. As if we need extra things to complete us or make us whole or count on it in case something goes wrong. These security blankets suddenly don’t seem so secure anymore. I am slowly but surely waking out of this state of security. It’s like a security blanket but internal and we are not always conscious of these “attachments”. It’s just part of our beast. But you gotta love the Beast cuz it got ya where ya are today!
My continued and now never-ending health journey has me Marinating in all the goodness that is presenting itself in my life. That is the beauty in me! It is also showing me Darkness and how you can choose to continue on and feel your emotions then hop right back in the “game of life”. More of the beauty. In the dark shows us many options and self-expansions if we choose to see the light in the dark and look at it’s beauty.
SO “seeking bliss” and “embracing the beauty of darkness” have really pushed me out of fear and to be the most secure human being that I can be without attachments. So beautiful. To make decisions and go for it and be confident. Beautiful. To reach for what feels good all the time. Even more beautiful. To attract people that are in the same mindsets. Feels beautiful. To use it as a guide on what is next for you. So exciting AND beautiful.
So cheers to the beauty and the beast cuz they have an eternal impact on how we expand as humans and how we are spirit living a human experience. As soon as we let go of rules, regulations, conditions, and old stories of life only THEN can we truly start to open our eyes and gain new perspective on what life can really BE all about. A fun place to be creative, to love, to adventure, to smile, to laugh, to dance, to play, and to gaze at endlessly.
I love you my life and am so thankful to have this opportunity to explore humanity and the earth while my body still allows. You are my peace and my pride and my joy. Thanks. My heart sings.
If we choose, we can see glory and abundance and bliss. It’s breathtaking.
It’s the gift we receive for bearing the presence of a heavy heart.
It's within us. We can seek internally for guidance and clarity and peace which will lead us to a love that stems from the heart and glides out of each of us with such grace that it lifts up everything in existence. We see rainbows and beauty and pots of gold that now seem so irrelevant to why we are here and how we want to BE in this lifetime. We continue with ease and keep loving and keep living.
We lift our heavy hearts now cuz we are strong from within and THAT is how we WIN when our human time is up.
At least that's what i choose to believe.
We can listen. We can learn. We can love. We can hate. We can dream. We can expand. We can judge. We can be passionate. We can uplift. We can manipulate. We can live in fear. We can create happiness. We can be humble. We can be egotistical. We can be shy. We can be extroverts. We can be loud. We can be soft. We can be human. We can be spirit. We can be emotional. We can be racist. We can be loyal. We can be disciplined. We can be righteous. We can feel weak. We can feel strong. We can be creative. We can go with the flow. We can be controlling. We can communicate. We can be good leaders. We can be teachers. We can be preachers. We can be victims. We can forgive. We can be bound. We can be free.
These are choices we can make each day for ourselves.
The day my mother passed she taught me all of these. I will preface this blog by saying that 10months of living with someone who is dying and holding their hand until the bitter end gives you a glimpse into another world and how we really can choose how to live and how to exist in this world. The process goes from loud and noisy and turbulent to pure silence and peace. The process shows us the gift of life and the gift of spirit and the gift of freedom. You can also choose to focus on the disparity of the situation or the beauty in the situation. Again, we have the choice and that is pure bliss.
I suppose the question is do you want to be happy and live happy?
If the answer is yes well then the great news is you have total control over whether or not that becomes your reality. You can live as a grumpy grumpnoid or seek to create a day of sunshine no matter what is going on with you or others or in the world. We often look externally for happiness instead of taking responsibility and looking within ourselves. Did you know the happier you become with your SELF the less people and situations will bother you? Did you know that as soon as you stop caring what others MIGHT THINK of you then you are truly free? Did you know that when you stop, listen, and observe, and take in the world the more connected and in awe you might feel of what is around you? Too many times we say appreciate and be grateful but are those just words and thoughts until you really take time out to be quiet and just be?
I wonder if all the spirits who are not human any more are just chuckling at our existence?
I am hopeful to ask my mom as soon as I can get hold of the long island medium one day and talk to her…. Just kidding… or maybe not? :) My mom was smart. My mom was pretty. My mom was unconditional yet conditional. She lived by rules and regulations but I think she strived to live more with a free spirit. I think like everyone else she yearned to be the most self-confident in everything and the idea of being not confident felt like being out of control. I think she felt responsible and very well liked and courageous. She made a difference. She made a legacy. She made us all be better. She fought and we fought. We all became better advocates through health and sickness. I laid by her side and told her I loved her until I heard her heart slow down and eventually the last heartbeat. She lay still while I grappled on tightly. I think she floated out of the room in silence.
I walked out of her room and looked out the window. It was numbingly silent and peaceful at the same time. The world seemed still except for the movement of a carousel. I remember this vivid thought … “and life still goes on… what will you do with yours”. It was eery yet profound at the same time. It was sad but glad at the same time. It was love but sadness at the same time. It was death but life at the same time. They say we are in a time of awakening so I guess this was part of mine. 8 weeks later my 2nd mom passed away and I begged to keep her in the condolence/viewing room so I could say my goodbyes. Her last heartbeat was mistakenly misconstrued because of a pacemaker. She was thought to be alive but really dead? She looked fine. She looked ok. We just saw her 2 days ago. Now she was on a stretcher being rolled away. I actually think she was having a hard time letting her “heart parts” go. She chose to be brave and just suck it up until the end. That is what she did. She gave and listened and gave and listened and gave an listened and gave and listened until she could no longer. She was my 2nd mom. I guess there was still more life learning and awakening that needed to happen, that still needs to happen. It’s not about the actual passing, that is about realization. Death of a mom or moms is another story. It’s about the before and after. The heartbeat, the last heartbeat, and the movement of the carousel which is life as a human. It's about the humanistic side and what to do , what to be, wth. My 2 best friends and confidants were now gone.
Tell me what that carousel looks like and feels like and whether or not it will break down or keep going. Point being again we have choice. We can stay in an emotional state by recreating it over and over or we can move beyond moments in time. We can be nice and just let things be and know everything is okay or we can be jerks and controlling and unhappy people. We can gripe and moan about the people , places, and things around us or we can keep it positive and keep moving forward. This is a call to action to live your best life and be healthy and happy and stay healthy and happy. Yes death will come to us all and it is solely our choice as to how we live and how we choose to be. We have control and if there is any controlling going on I think the best version is taking control of your SELF by creating a great life and choosing happiness and love. The opposite just won’t do and won’t help create a good life for anyone. We are all in this together so why not act like it and be kind to one another. So let’s all ride the carousel with great joy until our last heartbeat.
learned how to BE love and SPREAD love... started to fully LIVE and BE the BOSS of my life....
made amends with my SELF... explored food for medicine concept.... made new friends....
started new beginnings... reached for only the best feelings...
strengthened bond of family...
appreciated friend time, work, break time, and mother nature perks....
learned and appreciated the connection of my girls and protection, belief, and support...
saw a human in all aspects from mom to daughter to sister to lover to friend to companion to spirit which helped me stand tall, instilled color and bliss in my life, allowed me to see grace and gangsta in the same breath, and gave me the gift of self love and belief and trust and learning how to move through it all with grace...
took time to have fun and appreciate the moment and actually FEEL it....
slowly realizing LOVE is all around me and i just have to let it in....
and when you get knocked down... be appreciative of the process, it's how you get back on your feet, and there is more light in the end of the tunnel than you can even imagine....
Simply The Best!
That is what she was. That is what she is . That is what she wanted to be. That is what everyone around her thought. Mama was the best and she lived a fabulous life. Judy was a great friend, great companion, superb mom, good human being, and the best team player. Judy was a professional and made strides for women on a daily basis. A mom that loved her family and continuously poured her heart into caring, supporting, and bettering her relationships. A sister that enjoyed companionship and smart ass comments with her beloved Janet. A friend that guided the young, kept up with the young at heart, and cradled the ones ready to lead their best life and enter the final 1/4 of life.
Mama passed away from ovarian cancer. Mama fought until the end. Mama looked glamorous. We held mamas hands as she transitioned. A beautiful soul. My sister and I witnessed the journey that mama took the last 10 months. We are changed. We are in awe of her presence and seek out her essence every day from sunrise to sunset to dark nights to sunny days. We got to see Judy, Mama, Companion, Friend, Sister, and Soul. It was beautiful.
We love you mama. XO
5-1-46 to 7-24-19
Yes mom has transitioned. Yes we are deeply saddened beyond words. Yes she passed too soon. Yes we thought she would be the last to go and she was the first. Just like a true soldier she held true to her team and gave it all she had to be present until she could no longer. She was the essence of team player and the brightest star on the team EVERY TIME. As her children, no we didn't understand her every move... until now. I am humbled. She is STILL making moves. I know she is. Our lives are changed and things are going through contrast then they look even BRIGHTER the next day. It may sound crazy to say but I do feel her wings cradling me every day right now. She is not and has not forgotten. She is not just another human that passed away SHE is the brightest star in the sky tonight that is giving hope and confidence and support to those in need. THAT is the essence of why my mom was on this earth besides giving life to my sister and I. My mom would want us all to push forward and shine. My mom was my biggest fan and I know 100% that she believed in me and my processes and journey through life. She wanted so much to be part of every single minute no matter what. She wanted to see the growth and SHINE in everybody. So that is what we MUST do. Be our BEST so we can then be the most helpful on this earth while we are here! THAT is what she would want so THAT is what we must be. So if you wish to honor the greatness of Judy, just be the best you and let your light shine.
or leave a comment below if you cannot post on her memorialized FB page
Tami Herbst xo